Memories

I was looking through the files on my camera for something else entirely when I happened upon this picture.  My heart stopped, along with my breathing, when I saw it.  Let me explain why:

This picture was taken last winter, about six months after Bonnie's last chemo session.  She was recovering and felt great last winter.  We were so happy and enjoying life again.

This particular day was the first time in 15 years of owning our cabin that we'd been here when it snowed.  It doesn't do that much in Alabama.  We were out walking with Hobo and I stopped to take a couple of pictures.  The lake is to my back and, ironically, the cemetery where Bonnie is buried is behind her.  Even more ironic is that her grave is just behind that large oak tree over her right shoulder!  I chose that very spot for her because of that tree and the view of the lake from there. 

This was a very happy day.  It brings back wonderful memories of Bonnie walking with Hobo in the snow.  She loved to do that in the field up the hill, wearing my huge black jacket that made her look like a little girl wearing her Dad's coat.  She was a tiny woman and that jacket just overwhelmed her, but it is very warm and she loved it.  I'd be working on the kitchen renovation and suddenly realize my helper was no longer helping....she would be out with Hobo walking in the field.

I am so very thankful this morning for having found that picture.  It is helping to bring back some of those many, many wonderful memories.  Our good friend Larry was the first one I ever heard say that "we were making memories" as we had fun together.  We made a lot of memories, Bonnie and I.

On a recent road trip, my next door neighbor, was asking me about my need to be close to home.  As I tried to explain why it was so difficult to be away, this was what finally emerged:

When I am in this cabin, Bonnie is everywhere.  She has literally touched everything in it.  She has helped me chainsaw every wall, window and door opening.  She has purchased and helped me place every piece of furniture.  She has dusted every nook and cranny.  We laughed in every room.

There are so many good, wonderful, tender, loving memories here that they dilute the painful memories of the last six months.  As that happens, I feel better.

When I am away, there are not so many good memories staring me in the face and the intensity of the recent past can overwhelm them.  When that happens, I have to get back here so that the good memories can once again 'win'.

I am prayerful that the recent, painful memories will, with time, begin to fade as the older, wonderful memories have.  The equaling-out of the intensity of the memories may allow the good ones to 'win' regardless of where I am. There are, after all, over 40 years of wonderful memories. 

I am more confident this morning, after finding this picture and remembering last winter, that with time the good memories will win out.