Over the past year I have written many times about the difficulties associated with 'firsts'. This week finds me facing what might be considered the 'last first'. My guess is, as my friends tell me, this will not be the last first I will experience. But perhaps it is the last 'official' first. This coming Sunday marks the first anniversary of Bonnie's step into Heaven.
This past year has seen many changes in my life. From the depths of despair, loneliness and grief to where I find myself now is nothing short of miraculous. Had someone asked me last year where I would be on October 30, 2011, I would never have described where I am.
Even with the loss we all encountered with her passing, I am becoming able to look to the future and enjoy the present.
Interestingly, just the other night I experienced another first. It was the first time since her step into Heaven that Bonnie has appeared to me in a dream. I wonder why I have not dreamed of her before and why now. Perhaps my mind and my heart are healing enough to allow that to happen.
To accept what has happened allows me to live again....to dance. To heal means that life is still there to be lived. I am coming to think of the future as a second chance. A chance to live, love, laugh and experience. A chance to explore what God has in mind for me.
In my life there have been many losses. I have learned to let go of them and to move on. To do otherwise prevents the living, prevents the dance, prevents future joy.
Each of you reading this journal for the past year has experienced loss and will do so again. I pray that each of you will turn to our Lord in those times, not away from Him. I pray that you will find solace in Him and that you will find healing as have I.
There will be pain. There will be scars. But, in Him there is hope. In Him there is a future. In Him there is eternity. With our Lord, we all have second chances, even thirds and fourths. Stay the course with Him. Learn to live those second chances to the fullest.
I am learning to dance again. I am learning to love again. I am learning to live again. Perhaps this is not the last first, but the first second chance.
As I close this entry, I feel it is time to close this journal. The Journey will obviously continue, but in a different form. There is another blog now. It is called "An Adventure Begins". It was begun as my second chance began. I started writing it about the time I began to try out the steps to this new dance I've been given. I hope you will join me there. If you would like to follow along, you may do so at: http://mainship-andante.blogspot.com/
I don't plan on sending e-mail announcements when I post, but if you care to, you may join that new blog and receive them automatically. I thank you for your support this past year. This journal has been therapeutic for me. I hope it has helped someone, somewhere. If so, it has served its purpose.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Happy Birthday Bonnie
Yesterday would have marked Bonnie's 61st birthday on this earth. Instead it marked the first birthday she spent in Heaven.
Somehow that realization made yesterday a little less difficult. Instead of celebrating her birthday with gifts, or a party I celebrated it in my heart, knowing she was happy and healthy and loving her place in Heaven.
What a wonderful gift she received this year. Her first birthday spent with Jesus. She spent her day in a place where the value of earthly presents diminishes to worthlessness. Just being in the presence of Christ is so valuable that the streets are paved with gold.
Doesn't that tell us something about Heaven? One of our most valued possessions on this earth is so worthless in heaven that it is used to pave streets. What a message. The value of being in His presence is so great that we would use gold to walk on rather than wear.
To imagine Bonnie in that place, enjoying the victory she achieved, took away the sting of the first birthday here without her. That is what faith does for us.
As October 30 approaches, it brings with it the "last first". That will mark the first anniversary of Bonnie's step into heaven. Those of us who loved her will obviously miss her and remember that day as one of loss for us, but we will also celebrate it in our hearts as a day she achieved the ultimate and eternal victory. While our time with her on this earth was shortened, her life with Jesus was given extra time....eternity began early for her.
Somehow that realization made yesterday a little less difficult. Instead of celebrating her birthday with gifts, or a party I celebrated it in my heart, knowing she was happy and healthy and loving her place in Heaven.
What a wonderful gift she received this year. Her first birthday spent with Jesus. She spent her day in a place where the value of earthly presents diminishes to worthlessness. Just being in the presence of Christ is so valuable that the streets are paved with gold.
Doesn't that tell us something about Heaven? One of our most valued possessions on this earth is so worthless in heaven that it is used to pave streets. What a message. The value of being in His presence is so great that we would use gold to walk on rather than wear.
To imagine Bonnie in that place, enjoying the victory she achieved, took away the sting of the first birthday here without her. That is what faith does for us.
As October 30 approaches, it brings with it the "last first". That will mark the first anniversary of Bonnie's step into heaven. Those of us who loved her will obviously miss her and remember that day as one of loss for us, but we will also celebrate it in our hearts as a day she achieved the ultimate and eternal victory. While our time with her on this earth was shortened, her life with Jesus was given extra time....eternity began early for her.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sequel to a Lumber (JACK)
Making a long story short...Jack has a new home!!!!
A good friend of Bonnie's saw the last post and told a friend about Jack. They had been praying for a Great Pyrenees and were so excited to meet Jack. What a blessing for him and for them.
They are a family in Franklin TN who know "Big Dogs", having had two in the past. They wanted Jack to be little brother to Blue, their rescued Lab/Husky mix.
I delivered Jack today. Blue and Jack seemed to get along from the start...no hackles were raised...just friendly sniffing and jumping around.
The family has two sons who will give Jack and Blue a run for their money. How wonderful for all concerned.
Are you ready for a 'coincidence'? To the best of my memory, Bonnie and I looked at Jack's new home about 10 years ago!!! It is a wonderful place, in a gated community, on the end of a street....secluded...private. They even have an invisible fence to keep Jack and his big brother safe.
Thank you to everyone who gave Jack their best wishes and prayers. He is a deserving and beautiful creature.
A good friend of Bonnie's saw the last post and told a friend about Jack. They had been praying for a Great Pyrenees and were so excited to meet Jack. What a blessing for him and for them.
They are a family in Franklin TN who know "Big Dogs", having had two in the past. They wanted Jack to be little brother to Blue, their rescued Lab/Husky mix.
I delivered Jack today. Blue and Jack seemed to get along from the start...no hackles were raised...just friendly sniffing and jumping around.
The family has two sons who will give Jack and Blue a run for their money. How wonderful for all concerned.
Are you ready for a 'coincidence'? To the best of my memory, Bonnie and I looked at Jack's new home about 10 years ago!!! It is a wonderful place, in a gated community, on the end of a street....secluded...private. They even have an invisible fence to keep Jack and his big brother safe.
Thank you to everyone who gave Jack their best wishes and prayers. He is a deserving and beautiful creature.
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Story of a LumberJack.
This is a very different but very important post, none-the-less. It is the story of Jack - short for Lumberjack.
On my morning run with Hobo last week, I passed an old pickup truck going into a logging site. In it were two workers and a beautiful Pyrenees dog. The weekend came and went and on my run on Monday, I noticed the loggers were gone. They'd finished their cutting at that site.
The only thing left was one large piece of equipment, a lot of mud, and a very hungry (starving actually) Great Pyrenees dog, cowering under the equipment. He barked at me as I ran by but didn't charge or act mean in any way.
Later that day, I went back to the logging site. He was still there and I left a large bowl of dog food for him. I'd put a Capstar capsule and a vitamin in it. (The Capstar eliminates fleas within four hours.) I decided to give it another day to see if the loggers would return.
Tuesday, he was still there and I put out two bowls of food for him.
On Wednesday morning, my run was cut short because the dog had left the logging site and was under a trailer on our little private lane!!! I believe he'd begun to follow me home the evening before. I can't say that for sure, but he'd certainly come about a mile closer to me.
I brought him to the house. He was so sad. Filthy, tick infested, and absolutely starving. His ribs were just sticking through his skin. I put him in my utility trailer and started to give him a bath. He never whimpered or growled as I washed him and removed the ticks. I dried him and began brushing his long, beautiful white hair. He never once tried to get away from me or even whimper when I know the brushing had to hurt due to the tangles that were being pulled out.
This is a young dog....maybe six months old. He may not be full Pyrenees, but he is close....he even has the double dew claws on his back feet. He will grow to more than 100 lbs. He is truly a gentle giant. His big brown eyes just capture you. He will need some space and exercise, but he returns an affection for you that is hard to describe. He appreciates what is being done for him and lets you know it.
Jack is at the vet for a few days being checked out. He has no heart worms and the doctor seems to think he is healthy, except for being extremely thin. I'll leave him at the vet's through the weekend to have all of his shots, be checked thoroughly and to be scanned for an owner's chip. Assuming everything works out, he will be available for adoption next week. He needs a loving home and will return that love many times over.
This is one of God's beautiful creatures. He is truly a beautiful, gentle giant...one who needs some help. If anyone reading this would like to have him, please let me know. I think that taking care of Jack will be a blessing for someone. I hope this site can find that person. If that person is you, just leave me a comment and we will work it out.
On my morning run with Hobo last week, I passed an old pickup truck going into a logging site. In it were two workers and a beautiful Pyrenees dog. The weekend came and went and on my run on Monday, I noticed the loggers were gone. They'd finished their cutting at that site.
The only thing left was one large piece of equipment, a lot of mud, and a very hungry (starving actually) Great Pyrenees dog, cowering under the equipment. He barked at me as I ran by but didn't charge or act mean in any way.
Later that day, I went back to the logging site. He was still there and I left a large bowl of dog food for him. I'd put a Capstar capsule and a vitamin in it. (The Capstar eliminates fleas within four hours.) I decided to give it another day to see if the loggers would return.
Tuesday, he was still there and I put out two bowls of food for him.
On Wednesday morning, my run was cut short because the dog had left the logging site and was under a trailer on our little private lane!!! I believe he'd begun to follow me home the evening before. I can't say that for sure, but he'd certainly come about a mile closer to me.
I brought him to the house. He was so sad. Filthy, tick infested, and absolutely starving. His ribs were just sticking through his skin. I put him in my utility trailer and started to give him a bath. He never whimpered or growled as I washed him and removed the ticks. I dried him and began brushing his long, beautiful white hair. He never once tried to get away from me or even whimper when I know the brushing had to hurt due to the tangles that were being pulled out.
This is a young dog....maybe six months old. He may not be full Pyrenees, but he is close....he even has the double dew claws on his back feet. He will grow to more than 100 lbs. He is truly a gentle giant. His big brown eyes just capture you. He will need some space and exercise, but he returns an affection for you that is hard to describe. He appreciates what is being done for him and lets you know it.
Jack is at the vet for a few days being checked out. He has no heart worms and the doctor seems to think he is healthy, except for being extremely thin. I'll leave him at the vet's through the weekend to have all of his shots, be checked thoroughly and to be scanned for an owner's chip. Assuming everything works out, he will be available for adoption next week. He needs a loving home and will return that love many times over.
This is one of God's beautiful creatures. He is truly a beautiful, gentle giant...one who needs some help. If anyone reading this would like to have him, please let me know. I think that taking care of Jack will be a blessing for someone. I hope this site can find that person. If that person is you, just leave me a comment and we will work it out.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Worry
Luke 12:25-26 "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
I am guilty of worry...aren't you? We all do it from time to time. I certainly have over the past three years.
What I've learned is that it did absolutely no good at all. Worrying, in fact, is an admission that we do not trust God to get us through difficult situations. When we worry, we are saying that we don't think He is capable of providing for us. Aren't we saying that we do not trust Him to take us through where he is taking us?
We fret, we worry but it doesn't change anything. It just makes us more uncomfortable than we should be if we really trusted Him.
Don't get me wrong here. I am NOT saying that the end result will always be what we are hoping for. Our vision is just too short and our wisdom just to slight for that. What I am saying is, that no matter where we are and no matter what is happening around us, GOD is still GOD and HE is in control. If we trust that, if we trust Him, we should not worry.
Bonnie taught me that. We talked about worry and what it meant. Somehow, as sick as she became, she never worried. She had a calm about her that unnerved me at times. I now understand why. She absolutely, positively understood this passage. She knew, that no matter what the outcome was, it would be His decision and not ours. She trusted God enough to leave it to Him. She knew where she would be should the 'worst' happen. She would be there waiting on the rest of us to catch up to her.
There is a calm, a serenity that comes with this knowledge. I will admit that I am not perfect in this yet. I still find myself worrying from time to time. Then, when I find myself doing that, I am reminded of the worst that can happen. The worst that can happen is that we get to see Jesus face-to-face.
I am guilty of worry...aren't you? We all do it from time to time. I certainly have over the past three years.
What I've learned is that it did absolutely no good at all. Worrying, in fact, is an admission that we do not trust God to get us through difficult situations. When we worry, we are saying that we don't think He is capable of providing for us. Aren't we saying that we do not trust Him to take us through where he is taking us?
We fret, we worry but it doesn't change anything. It just makes us more uncomfortable than we should be if we really trusted Him.
Don't get me wrong here. I am NOT saying that the end result will always be what we are hoping for. Our vision is just too short and our wisdom just to slight for that. What I am saying is, that no matter where we are and no matter what is happening around us, GOD is still GOD and HE is in control. If we trust that, if we trust Him, we should not worry.
Bonnie taught me that. We talked about worry and what it meant. Somehow, as sick as she became, she never worried. She had a calm about her that unnerved me at times. I now understand why. She absolutely, positively understood this passage. She knew, that no matter what the outcome was, it would be His decision and not ours. She trusted God enough to leave it to Him. She knew where she would be should the 'worst' happen. She would be there waiting on the rest of us to catch up to her.
There is a calm, a serenity that comes with this knowledge. I will admit that I am not perfect in this yet. I still find myself worrying from time to time. Then, when I find myself doing that, I am reminded of the worst that can happen. The worst that can happen is that we get to see Jesus face-to-face.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Improvements
Over the past few months there have been many changes for me. There have been steps forward and there have been steps back. But, at the end of this day, I feel progress is being made.
Today was Shelley's birthday. Another first for both of us. This was her first birthday without her mom being with us. We both felt that absence. Bonnie was a wonderful mom and wife. We missed her today, but we were able to get through it, enjoy the day, love one another and celebrate the life that Bonnie had given to both Shelley and me.
During the day, off and on, we talked of Bonnie and what she had meant to both of us. But, also, during the day, Shelley shared with me that she felt she was getting her Dad back after a three year absence. I've felt that as well....a feeling of coming back. I have felt as if I'd 'been gone' for almost three years now. I'm coming home.
Some of the worst memories of the past three years return from time to time. I explained to Shelley that three or four months ago those memories would hit me like a tidal wave and literally drive me to my knees. Today, they still hit me but I am able to recover within minutes. A vast improvement and for that I am very thankful.
Today was Shelley's birthday. Another first for both of us. This was her first birthday without her mom being with us. We both felt that absence. Bonnie was a wonderful mom and wife. We missed her today, but we were able to get through it, enjoy the day, love one another and celebrate the life that Bonnie had given to both Shelley and me.
During the day, off and on, we talked of Bonnie and what she had meant to both of us. But, also, during the day, Shelley shared with me that she felt she was getting her Dad back after a three year absence. I've felt that as well....a feeling of coming back. I have felt as if I'd 'been gone' for almost three years now. I'm coming home.
Some of the worst memories of the past three years return from time to time. I explained to Shelley that three or four months ago those memories would hit me like a tidal wave and literally drive me to my knees. Today, they still hit me but I am able to recover within minutes. A vast improvement and for that I am very thankful.
The Light Yoke
This morning as I opened the little devotional book I've been using this year, I was struck by the entries for the next couple of days...Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." And Matthew 11:29 "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
If only we could begin our lives knowing these promises are true. How much less burdened we would find ourselves.
We understand the obligations our world places upon us. We experience the losses, the demands, the difficulties of this life and we feel we must work our way through them...achieve...overcome....get over.
Being, at my core, a type A personality, I've tended all my life to think I could work my way to the top, fix whatever is broken, get over whatever was hurting me. How foolish that was. If I'd only understood these two passages.
Even in our walk with Jesus we put these 'yokes' upon ourselves. We see His demands to give our all to Him, to be like Him and we try so very hard to do so...knowing we cannot possibly meet that bar. And we can't....not by our efforts.
A 'yoke' sounds heavy and hard. HIS yoke is not. When we depend upon Him to guide us, the going is easier. The burden is lighter. He knows the way. He knows our path.
These past three years have been difficult in the extreme for me. You all know that. During the times when I tried the hardest to find answers, to make things better, to get over the grief, was when I was most heavily burdened and weary. It was during the times when I gave it to Jesus that my burden was lightened. I learned that I would never 'get over' my losing Bonnie. She will always be a part of my heart. But, by depending upon Jesus, I can get through this. Not by my strength, but by His.
There is a paragraph in my devotional that I want to share: "Dependence on Jesus is prerequisite for obedience. We cannot reverse the order without being crushed beneath the obligations of life and our attempts at self righteousness. We must be taught dependence first."
Of all the 'things' of this world for which we strive, none compare to the value of knowing our Christ as a teacher not a taskmaster. His yoke is a life-giving promise. When you carry His yoke and you trust in him to lead you and teach you is when your life changes for the better....forever.
If only we could begin our lives knowing these promises are true. How much less burdened we would find ourselves.
We understand the obligations our world places upon us. We experience the losses, the demands, the difficulties of this life and we feel we must work our way through them...achieve...overcome....get over.
Being, at my core, a type A personality, I've tended all my life to think I could work my way to the top, fix whatever is broken, get over whatever was hurting me. How foolish that was. If I'd only understood these two passages.
Even in our walk with Jesus we put these 'yokes' upon ourselves. We see His demands to give our all to Him, to be like Him and we try so very hard to do so...knowing we cannot possibly meet that bar. And we can't....not by our efforts.
A 'yoke' sounds heavy and hard. HIS yoke is not. When we depend upon Him to guide us, the going is easier. The burden is lighter. He knows the way. He knows our path.
These past three years have been difficult in the extreme for me. You all know that. During the times when I tried the hardest to find answers, to make things better, to get over the grief, was when I was most heavily burdened and weary. It was during the times when I gave it to Jesus that my burden was lightened. I learned that I would never 'get over' my losing Bonnie. She will always be a part of my heart. But, by depending upon Jesus, I can get through this. Not by my strength, but by His.
There is a paragraph in my devotional that I want to share: "Dependence on Jesus is prerequisite for obedience. We cannot reverse the order without being crushed beneath the obligations of life and our attempts at self righteousness. We must be taught dependence first."
Of all the 'things' of this world for which we strive, none compare to the value of knowing our Christ as a teacher not a taskmaster. His yoke is a life-giving promise. When you carry His yoke and you trust in him to lead you and teach you is when your life changes for the better....forever.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Available
Proverbs 16:9 tells us that “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” In this journal and in the Caring Bridge
I’ve written recently about waiting, of learning to dance again and how the Lord has been teaching me some new steps. This entry will be a bit different. It is a realization that came to me over the past couple of months.
There have been a number of people who have told me these entries have helped them. I have appreciated their comments, yet the words you read are not mine. While they come from my heart and are typed by my fingers, they are put on my heart by God. To the extent that they help anyone the glory is His and His alone. This is not false humility….I believe it with all my heart.
You have sensed, I am sure, a change in me over this past month. In early May I was able to remove my wedding ring. Then, almost immediately, I met someone who helped me dramatically. Kathy has allowed me to begin to look forward again.
When I told her that, she explained it was an answer to her prayer to be used by God to help others. We have become close friends over this past month and I’d wanted to bring it up in this journal. My latest entry on “waiting” was designed to tell how God had forced me to wait while His plans unfolded in my life to include this new friendship.
A few days ago a woman wrote to thank me for that entry on waiting. She was being forced to wait on a surgery that she wanted NOW. She was, understandably concerned. Yet, by reading that journal entry she was able to depend upon God’s timing, not her own.
I had made my plan to introduce Kathy to all of you. God had used that entry for an entirely different purpose. All I had done was make my writing available for Him to use. Kathy had made her friendship available to me and God had used it to help me look forward again. Then, He used our new friendship and the journal entry to reach this dear woman struggling with a medical challenge.
When we make ourselves available, when we make our talents available, when we let HIM lead our steps, miracles happen. People are helped. Souls can be saved for eternity. Just make ourselves available….like two unlikely men in a Nashville
Would you take a minute…right now…to say a prayer for Bonnie’s friend from BSF who is currently waiting…on answers, on surgery, on treatment, on Him. God will know for whom you pray. Just pray for her healing, for her to feel His comfort.
Monday, June 20, 2011
WAIT!!!!!
Psalm 27:14 tells us to "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
I have written previously in this journal and the Caring Bridge site how extremely difficult this is for me. I am, by nature, an impatient person. I have always been driven to get the work done quickly and efficiently. To 'wait' is not a part of my DNA. Yet, there is is in Psalm 27 and many other places in the Bible..."wait".
But don't stop reading there. We are also told to "be strong" and to "take heart". I believe that also translates into "be calm". When we "take heart" in the ultimate power of all creation a calm settles over us and we are able to at least appear strong. When we absolutely, positively put our faith in God, a calm does settle over us, knowing that HE is in control and we just have to wait for His plan to unfold.
During Bonnie's illnesses and then following her death there were many times when I was brought to my knees, knowing there was nothing I could do. It was in His hands. His plan was unfolding. I was required to 'wait'.
Why is waiting so important a concept? Perhaps waiting is a giving up of our pride. When we acknowledge we must wait we are admitting there is nothing we can do. Then, when the answers come, and they will come, we are able to realize they are HIS answers, not ours. We are able to give Him the glory for it is by His hands, not our own, that the answer comes.
During these last eight months following Bonnie's death, there was, admittedly despair. I lost my concentration on Jesus. I floundered. But HE never let me drown. It was not by anything I did that I continued to breathe. In fact, there were times I wished I would stop. I was FORCED to just wait.
I didn't see many changes or improvements at first. Much like night turning to day.
Have you ever watched that happen? It can be so dark you can feel it. Imperceptibly, slowly you will discern some inkling of light. Then a gray starts to take shape. Then brighter, brighter and the most beautiful of things happens.....the sun rises...it is a beautiful new day.
When you have watched it turn from deep darkness to a bright new day you realize there was nothing you did to make that happen. You just waited. God set it all in motion.
That new day is fresh, clean, bright and hold promises that you would never have seen had you not come through the darkness and 'waited' for the dawn. How much more we appreciate the new dawns when we have waited through the darkness.
I have written previously in this journal and the Caring Bridge site how extremely difficult this is for me. I am, by nature, an impatient person. I have always been driven to get the work done quickly and efficiently. To 'wait' is not a part of my DNA. Yet, there is is in Psalm 27 and many other places in the Bible..."wait".
But don't stop reading there. We are also told to "be strong" and to "take heart". I believe that also translates into "be calm". When we "take heart" in the ultimate power of all creation a calm settles over us and we are able to at least appear strong. When we absolutely, positively put our faith in God, a calm does settle over us, knowing that HE is in control and we just have to wait for His plan to unfold.
During Bonnie's illnesses and then following her death there were many times when I was brought to my knees, knowing there was nothing I could do. It was in His hands. His plan was unfolding. I was required to 'wait'.
Why is waiting so important a concept? Perhaps waiting is a giving up of our pride. When we acknowledge we must wait we are admitting there is nothing we can do. Then, when the answers come, and they will come, we are able to realize they are HIS answers, not ours. We are able to give Him the glory for it is by His hands, not our own, that the answer comes.
During these last eight months following Bonnie's death, there was, admittedly despair. I lost my concentration on Jesus. I floundered. But HE never let me drown. It was not by anything I did that I continued to breathe. In fact, there were times I wished I would stop. I was FORCED to just wait.
I didn't see many changes or improvements at first. Much like night turning to day.
Have you ever watched that happen? It can be so dark you can feel it. Imperceptibly, slowly you will discern some inkling of light. Then a gray starts to take shape. Then brighter, brighter and the most beautiful of things happens.....the sun rises...it is a beautiful new day.
When you have watched it turn from deep darkness to a bright new day you realize there was nothing you did to make that happen. You just waited. God set it all in motion.
That new day is fresh, clean, bright and hold promises that you would never have seen had you not come through the darkness and 'waited' for the dawn. How much more we appreciate the new dawns when we have waited through the darkness.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Humble Gratitude
Another 'first' came and went this week. This was one I have been dreading for quite some time. Bonnie and I were married on June 7, 1969. The first anniversary without Bonnie was coming down the track like a freight train and I wasn't sure I was ready or able to get out of the way.
However, go back and read my entry from May 22. I'd written that it was, perhaps, time to begin to learn to dance again. Events had been leading up to that, but could I stand, much less dance on the 7th of June?
My sister Brenda, my daughter Shelley, my niece Kacie and, of course, my grand baby Lexi had been here over the weekend. Shelley and I took Lexi to church with us. Our little church down the lane always celebrates the birthdays and wedding anniversaries of those present. When something was said about those having anniversaries next week, I shuddered. Shelley put her hand on my knee. How would that unfold? We were both uncertain.
As "luck" (we all know how I feel about that) would have it, I was scheduled to be in Ohio on June 7. In fact, the sea trial of the boat I am negotiating to purchase was scheduled for June 7 on Lake Erie. The morning was hectic with a surveyor, a mechanic, two brokers and me on the boat looking at every inch of her, testing every piece of equipment, and teaching me how it all works and how to maintain her properly. Needless to say, the morning was packed.
When the sea trial was finished Butch, my broker, and I decided it was best if we started back home. But, on the way home, we were to pass through my old home town of Middletown, Ohio. Do you remember my writing about my good friend Judy who has been so very helpful to me over these past months? Well, we were to see her on the way through town. I had not seen her for 25 years and was looking forward to it.
As with all good friends, the conversation started as if we had just seen one another yesterday. She is, as she always has been, a delight to be around.
What do you suppose she brought with her that was so important she wanted to show me? It was her wedding album!!! The pictures were 41 years old. You see she had married Bill a few months after Bonnie and I were married and we had attended her wedding. One of the pictures in that album was of Bonnie and me going through the receiving line. I had my hand on Bonnie's back and she was wearing a yellow linen suit. Yellow was her favorite color....(we'd gone to the wedding in my YELLOW Camaro.)
Why am I telling you this?
Because instead of breaking down and crying, I was able to smile, even laugh, over the picture. Judy was totally ignoring everyone else in the line. We were laughing together. It was a glorious moment. When she hugged me, I told Judy "I hope you and Bill will be as happy as Bonnie and I have been". Memories are coming back...happy ones...painful ones are receding.
On that day, exactly 42 years after Bonnie and I were married, I was able to smile and even laugh. Thanks to a friend whom God had put in my path 50 years ago, I was able to dance a few steps when I thought I'd have trouble walking. But you see, we make our plans, God determines our steps (even to our dance). I am walking because of Him. I am even beginning to dance because of Him.
Before I close this entry, I want to digress for a moment. As I mentioned, I am negotiating to purchase a boat. It is a beautiful thing and something that has been on my bucket list for quite some time.
One would think I should be so very excited about purchasing her and I am. What a privilege it is to be able to do so. But, I've been struggling with it for some reason. Part of that is explained by this scripture: Luke 6:24-26 "Woe to you who are rich, ....who are well fed now,... who laugh now, .....when all men speak well of you."
The devotional entry for today in "At His Feet" was about this very scripture...imagine that..."coincidences" just keep happening.
A couple of lines from that devotional struck me and certainly helped me to put this in perspective. "We know from other Bible passages - which Jesus never contradicts - that there is nothing inherently wrong with wealth, food, laughing, and a good reputation. But these (scriptures above) are sobering warnings. Those who take comfort in their wealth, food, pleasure, and reputation - and who ignore God because of them - will be tragically sorry.... If you have them, handle them with care; they are gifts from God, blessings given entirely by the grace of His goodness and not on your merit. They are no cause for pride, only for humble gratitude."
I am so very thankful for this devotional today. It explained to me what I'd been struggling with. It put the ability to purchase "Andante" (the boat) in perspective. I am humbly grateful to be able to purchase her. I don't deserve her. Sure, I worked hard all of my career to earn the money to buy her. But, many work far harder. Many are wiser. It is not of my strength or ability that I am able to do so. Once again, HIS hand is at play. I am humbly grateful for this privilege.
Ecclesiastes had the order correct.....the dance is sweeter following mourning. For that I am humbly grateful as well.
However, go back and read my entry from May 22. I'd written that it was, perhaps, time to begin to learn to dance again. Events had been leading up to that, but could I stand, much less dance on the 7th of June?
My sister Brenda, my daughter Shelley, my niece Kacie and, of course, my grand baby Lexi had been here over the weekend. Shelley and I took Lexi to church with us. Our little church down the lane always celebrates the birthdays and wedding anniversaries of those present. When something was said about those having anniversaries next week, I shuddered. Shelley put her hand on my knee. How would that unfold? We were both uncertain.
As "luck" (we all know how I feel about that) would have it, I was scheduled to be in Ohio on June 7. In fact, the sea trial of the boat I am negotiating to purchase was scheduled for June 7 on Lake Erie. The morning was hectic with a surveyor, a mechanic, two brokers and me on the boat looking at every inch of her, testing every piece of equipment, and teaching me how it all works and how to maintain her properly. Needless to say, the morning was packed.
When the sea trial was finished Butch, my broker, and I decided it was best if we started back home. But, on the way home, we were to pass through my old home town of Middletown, Ohio. Do you remember my writing about my good friend Judy who has been so very helpful to me over these past months? Well, we were to see her on the way through town. I had not seen her for 25 years and was looking forward to it.
As with all good friends, the conversation started as if we had just seen one another yesterday. She is, as she always has been, a delight to be around.
What do you suppose she brought with her that was so important she wanted to show me? It was her wedding album!!! The pictures were 41 years old. You see she had married Bill a few months after Bonnie and I were married and we had attended her wedding. One of the pictures in that album was of Bonnie and me going through the receiving line. I had my hand on Bonnie's back and she was wearing a yellow linen suit. Yellow was her favorite color....(we'd gone to the wedding in my YELLOW Camaro.)
Why am I telling you this?
Because instead of breaking down and crying, I was able to smile, even laugh, over the picture. Judy was totally ignoring everyone else in the line. We were laughing together. It was a glorious moment. When she hugged me, I told Judy "I hope you and Bill will be as happy as Bonnie and I have been". Memories are coming back...happy ones...painful ones are receding.
On that day, exactly 42 years after Bonnie and I were married, I was able to smile and even laugh. Thanks to a friend whom God had put in my path 50 years ago, I was able to dance a few steps when I thought I'd have trouble walking. But you see, we make our plans, God determines our steps (even to our dance). I am walking because of Him. I am even beginning to dance because of Him.
Before I close this entry, I want to digress for a moment. As I mentioned, I am negotiating to purchase a boat. It is a beautiful thing and something that has been on my bucket list for quite some time.
One would think I should be so very excited about purchasing her and I am. What a privilege it is to be able to do so. But, I've been struggling with it for some reason. Part of that is explained by this scripture: Luke 6:24-26 "Woe to you who are rich, ....who are well fed now,... who laugh now, .....when all men speak well of you."
The devotional entry for today in "At His Feet" was about this very scripture...imagine that..."coincidences" just keep happening.
A couple of lines from that devotional struck me and certainly helped me to put this in perspective. "We know from other Bible passages - which Jesus never contradicts - that there is nothing inherently wrong with wealth, food, laughing, and a good reputation. But these (scriptures above) are sobering warnings. Those who take comfort in their wealth, food, pleasure, and reputation - and who ignore God because of them - will be tragically sorry.... If you have them, handle them with care; they are gifts from God, blessings given entirely by the grace of His goodness and not on your merit. They are no cause for pride, only for humble gratitude."
I am so very thankful for this devotional today. It explained to me what I'd been struggling with. It put the ability to purchase "Andante" (the boat) in perspective. I am humbly grateful to be able to purchase her. I don't deserve her. Sure, I worked hard all of my career to earn the money to buy her. But, many work far harder. Many are wiser. It is not of my strength or ability that I am able to do so. Once again, HIS hand is at play. I am humbly grateful for this privilege.
Ecclesiastes had the order correct.....the dance is sweeter following mourning. For that I am humbly grateful as well.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Time To Dance
Today was very special. It seemed like a pretty normal Sunday at Pickwick in the late Spring. But somehow, for me, things are beginning to change. You have probably sensed it in my postings of late. Shelley described it as moving from mourning to healing. I think she may be correct. I pray so.
Not long ago I wrote about being able to remove my wedding ring. I believe that was a watershed event in my life after Bonnie. For some reason, it did signify the ability to move on.
A new friend of mine and I were e-mailing this past week. We have both come through some difficult times in our lives. One similarity I noted was that we both had a choice. We could have turned away from God, saying that HE caused our pain, that He allowed it, that He was....well you get that picture. Unfortunately, many people find that as their alternative. They reject Him.
OR, we could have turned to Him, clung to Him, depended upon Him. That was our chosen alternative. I wrote that I believed we made God smile when we did that and that Satan frowned. That is just fine with me. This was not easy for either of us. It is not the path of least resistance. But it is the path that He chooses for us. He will get us down it if we depend upon Him.
Our little Sunday School class is starting to study Ecclesiastes next Sunday. As our teacher announced that, I turned to it in my bible and my eyes fell on Ecclesiastes 3:4 "a time to mourn and a time to dance," Next to it, in the margin, some time ago I'd written "Why in that order?".
I'll come back to the "why in that order" later, but I want to explain why this was so profound to me today.
I've not been able to even listen to music for 7 months. It was just too painful. I was driving some 700 miles to Sandusky Ohio last week. As I drove I was, well, bored. Months before I'd removed all the CDs from Bonnie's little Jeep Patriot that I was driving. But, being bored, I punched a few buttons. The CD player came online. There was a CD left in it!!! And, the CD was a compilation of songs Shelley and Ben had used at their wedding reception. The song that played was the one I'd chosen for Shelley and me to dance to...."I hope you dance".
I remember hearing it months before and turning off. It was too painful to listen to. That day, last week however, because of some recent events, including my ability to remove my wedding band, I was able to listen to the words of that song. They are beautiful and moving. Every verse is. Bonnie and I lived our lives that way. We prayed that Shelley could/would also. Now, I was being challenged to do so again. For the past seven months I'd experienced the exact opposite of everything the song had hoped for.
Now, however, I'm beginning to feel the ability - or at least the desire - to "dance" again.
The song. The verses. Events. God. That is why we should never turn away from Him when we are experiencing the difficult times of this world. Cling to Him. Lean on Him. Keep your eyes on Him.
There is a time for mourning. We will all experience it sooner or later. But, there is a time to dance as well. Perhaps, no definitely, Ecclesiastes has it in the right order. A time to mourn comes before a time to dance. In that order the dance is far more meaningful. It is a dance given to you by our Lord Himself.
I am looking forward to once again dancing. I do not know what form the dance will be. But, I am convinced now that there is a dance for me.
Ecclesiastes says that there is. It comes after a time for mourning.
Not long ago I wrote about being able to remove my wedding ring. I believe that was a watershed event in my life after Bonnie. For some reason, it did signify the ability to move on.
A new friend of mine and I were e-mailing this past week. We have both come through some difficult times in our lives. One similarity I noted was that we both had a choice. We could have turned away from God, saying that HE caused our pain, that He allowed it, that He was....well you get that picture. Unfortunately, many people find that as their alternative. They reject Him.
OR, we could have turned to Him, clung to Him, depended upon Him. That was our chosen alternative. I wrote that I believed we made God smile when we did that and that Satan frowned. That is just fine with me. This was not easy for either of us. It is not the path of least resistance. But it is the path that He chooses for us. He will get us down it if we depend upon Him.
Our little Sunday School class is starting to study Ecclesiastes next Sunday. As our teacher announced that, I turned to it in my bible and my eyes fell on Ecclesiastes 3:4 "a time to mourn and a time to dance," Next to it, in the margin, some time ago I'd written "Why in that order?".
I'll come back to the "why in that order" later, but I want to explain why this was so profound to me today.
I've not been able to even listen to music for 7 months. It was just too painful. I was driving some 700 miles to Sandusky Ohio last week. As I drove I was, well, bored. Months before I'd removed all the CDs from Bonnie's little Jeep Patriot that I was driving. But, being bored, I punched a few buttons. The CD player came online. There was a CD left in it!!! And, the CD was a compilation of songs Shelley and Ben had used at their wedding reception. The song that played was the one I'd chosen for Shelley and me to dance to...."I hope you dance".
I remember hearing it months before and turning off. It was too painful to listen to. That day, last week however, because of some recent events, including my ability to remove my wedding band, I was able to listen to the words of that song. They are beautiful and moving. Every verse is. Bonnie and I lived our lives that way. We prayed that Shelley could/would also. Now, I was being challenged to do so again. For the past seven months I'd experienced the exact opposite of everything the song had hoped for.
Now, however, I'm beginning to feel the ability - or at least the desire - to "dance" again.
The song. The verses. Events. God. That is why we should never turn away from Him when we are experiencing the difficult times of this world. Cling to Him. Lean on Him. Keep your eyes on Him.
There is a time for mourning. We will all experience it sooner or later. But, there is a time to dance as well. Perhaps, no definitely, Ecclesiastes has it in the right order. A time to mourn comes before a time to dance. In that order the dance is far more meaningful. It is a dance given to you by our Lord Himself.
I am looking forward to once again dancing. I do not know what form the dance will be. But, I am convinced now that there is a dance for me.
Ecclesiastes says that there is. It comes after a time for mourning.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Acceptance, weakness, strength
My last post was a difficult one to write. It probably marked a milestone in my grief, but this morning, it does not feel so much like that.
Today, I am admitting to weakness. Our little church down the lane has a singing group in for a special service. I've chosen to stay home, write this new entry, and do my own bible study. You see, hymns, especially the old ones, are extremely difficult for me...even now. Music touches our hearts and mine is still far too sensitive. The last time we had a musical group at our church saw me in crisis. I chose to avoid it this morning and admit weakness. Perhaps my removing the ring was acceptance, but it was not a statement that my heart is healed.
On a previous post I mentioned that one thing taking my time was the establishment of a foundation for the protection, renewal, and maintenance of our cemetery. That is proceeding, although slowly. The cemetery itself looks much better already. Thanks to a local resident, as well as the members of the church, the underbrush along the edges of the cemetery has been cleared. That made a tremendous difference in showing the beauty of the 2.4 acre hillside. In addition, the county has placed white gravel up to the entrance of the cemetery and we will continue that into the grounds. What an improvement that will be over the muddy track that once brought us into the cemetery.
I'm still recruiting board members and seeking an attorney to represent us in the legal aspects of incorporating and obtaining legal title. So, progress is being made. There will be opportunities for each of you to support our efforts if you choose to do so and I will keep you updated on our progress. Please be praying for this to proceed in a way that 'Honors God and remembers our loved ones'...which is the mission statement for the foundation.
Under the heading of keeping busy to stay relatively sane...those of you who know me well, know that boats are my weakness. For some it is cars. For some it is planes, or horses or whatever. For me...it is boats. I've had in my 'bucket list' the acquisition of a large boat with which to cruise the nation's rivers and perhaps the intracoastal waterway. This week I am going to Sandusky Ohio to inspect a Trawler. The owner has accepted my offer contingent upon my inspection, a survey and sea trial.
If all goes well, I will have it trucked back to Pickwick Lake this summer and begin the process of getting acquainted with her. I am hoping this will be a pleasant adventure, a way to meet interesting people and another way to keep my mind, hands and heart occupied this summer. Perhaps the winter will be spent aboard her in a warm climate!!!
Bonnie, and her absence from my physical life, is still the last thing of which I think at night and the first thought I have each morning. Acceptance that this is real?....perhaps. Adapting to it?....maybe. Healing?....keeping an open mind on that. Walking and breathing?....that is what she expects....that is what HE is helping me to do. I am depending upon HIM to carry me....but isn't that what He expects/wants from us anyway? Perhaps that is even why certain things happen in our lives....to make us realize we are not in control nor able to weather certain storms. Jesus is in control and we can weather certain storms ONLY with His help. Then, and only then, do we realize we should not be afraid. Not because we are strong...but because HE is.
Today, I am admitting to weakness. Our little church down the lane has a singing group in for a special service. I've chosen to stay home, write this new entry, and do my own bible study. You see, hymns, especially the old ones, are extremely difficult for me...even now. Music touches our hearts and mine is still far too sensitive. The last time we had a musical group at our church saw me in crisis. I chose to avoid it this morning and admit weakness. Perhaps my removing the ring was acceptance, but it was not a statement that my heart is healed.
On a previous post I mentioned that one thing taking my time was the establishment of a foundation for the protection, renewal, and maintenance of our cemetery. That is proceeding, although slowly. The cemetery itself looks much better already. Thanks to a local resident, as well as the members of the church, the underbrush along the edges of the cemetery has been cleared. That made a tremendous difference in showing the beauty of the 2.4 acre hillside. In addition, the county has placed white gravel up to the entrance of the cemetery and we will continue that into the grounds. What an improvement that will be over the muddy track that once brought us into the cemetery.
I'm still recruiting board members and seeking an attorney to represent us in the legal aspects of incorporating and obtaining legal title. So, progress is being made. There will be opportunities for each of you to support our efforts if you choose to do so and I will keep you updated on our progress. Please be praying for this to proceed in a way that 'Honors God and remembers our loved ones'...which is the mission statement for the foundation.
Under the heading of keeping busy to stay relatively sane...those of you who know me well, know that boats are my weakness. For some it is cars. For some it is planes, or horses or whatever. For me...it is boats. I've had in my 'bucket list' the acquisition of a large boat with which to cruise the nation's rivers and perhaps the intracoastal waterway. This week I am going to Sandusky Ohio to inspect a Trawler. The owner has accepted my offer contingent upon my inspection, a survey and sea trial.
If all goes well, I will have it trucked back to Pickwick Lake this summer and begin the process of getting acquainted with her. I am hoping this will be a pleasant adventure, a way to meet interesting people and another way to keep my mind, hands and heart occupied this summer. Perhaps the winter will be spent aboard her in a warm climate!!!
Bonnie, and her absence from my physical life, is still the last thing of which I think at night and the first thought I have each morning. Acceptance that this is real?....perhaps. Adapting to it?....maybe. Healing?....keeping an open mind on that. Walking and breathing?....that is what she expects....that is what HE is helping me to do. I am depending upon HIM to carry me....but isn't that what He expects/wants from us anyway? Perhaps that is even why certain things happen in our lives....to make us realize we are not in control nor able to weather certain storms. Jesus is in control and we can weather certain storms ONLY with His help. Then, and only then, do we realize we should not be afraid. Not because we are strong...but because HE is.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The Ring
Almost forty two years ago Bonnie gave me a simple white gold wedding band. I remember walking down the streets of Gatlinburg, on our honeymoon, twisting that band back and forth, trying to get used to it being on my hand. Sometime, several years ago, Bonnie gave me a yellow gold band to wear because my watch and glasses were yellow gold. I tried that for awhile, but gave up the fashion statement for her original, white gold band. That was the one that was special to me. It always will be.
This week, I did something I did not plan to ever do in my life on this earth. I took that band off my hand. It is now sitting on a crystal ring holder in a drawer. My heart aches as I type this. I have tears in my eyes as I remember when she slipped that ring onto my finger those many years ago.
The only person I've told, until now, about taking that ring off is my friend Glenn. I don't know how it came up but it was during a telephone conversation. Of course, I had difficulty in saying the things to him that I just typed. In his gentle way, he asked my why I felt I needed to remove it. He was not being judgemental. He just wanted to know what brought me to that decision.
I'd been thinking about it for awhile. I've come to believe it was something similar to taking that first ride in the SeaRay this spring, although on a much deeper level. There are things that must be faced and sooner or later they will be. These are things that tear at my heart strings, but grow more difficult with time.
Continuing to wear the ring, as much as I love it and what it represents, was somehow beginning to feel like denial. Bonnie is no longer physically here on this earth. She is experiencing a new and wonderful life. I am no longer physically married to Bonnie although the love will remain as long as my heart beats. I have to face that. She would want me to. We'd even talked about that over the last couple of years. We were close enough that we could do that.
So, with the greatest of respect, love and tenderness, I removed a symbol that had been on my hand for almost 42 years. I carefully placed it in a drawer on a ring holder that was once Bonnie's. That seemed somehow appropriate. It had been hers, after all, as was I.
That symbol still shows on my hand. The finger is indented where it was. My finger is also as white as snow where the ring once surrounded my finger. Those too will fade with time. My memories of, and love for, Bonnie will not.
She was given to me by God and it is to God that she has gone. That is as it should be. I must live my life without her. I am facing that and accepting that. The removal of 'the ring' was one more step toward that end.
This week, I did something I did not plan to ever do in my life on this earth. I took that band off my hand. It is now sitting on a crystal ring holder in a drawer. My heart aches as I type this. I have tears in my eyes as I remember when she slipped that ring onto my finger those many years ago.
The only person I've told, until now, about taking that ring off is my friend Glenn. I don't know how it came up but it was during a telephone conversation. Of course, I had difficulty in saying the things to him that I just typed. In his gentle way, he asked my why I felt I needed to remove it. He was not being judgemental. He just wanted to know what brought me to that decision.
I'd been thinking about it for awhile. I've come to believe it was something similar to taking that first ride in the SeaRay this spring, although on a much deeper level. There are things that must be faced and sooner or later they will be. These are things that tear at my heart strings, but grow more difficult with time.
Continuing to wear the ring, as much as I love it and what it represents, was somehow beginning to feel like denial. Bonnie is no longer physically here on this earth. She is experiencing a new and wonderful life. I am no longer physically married to Bonnie although the love will remain as long as my heart beats. I have to face that. She would want me to. We'd even talked about that over the last couple of years. We were close enough that we could do that.
So, with the greatest of respect, love and tenderness, I removed a symbol that had been on my hand for almost 42 years. I carefully placed it in a drawer on a ring holder that was once Bonnie's. That seemed somehow appropriate. It had been hers, after all, as was I.
That symbol still shows on my hand. The finger is indented where it was. My finger is also as white as snow where the ring once surrounded my finger. Those too will fade with time. My memories of, and love for, Bonnie will not.
She was given to me by God and it is to God that she has gone. That is as it should be. I must live my life without her. I am facing that and accepting that. The removal of 'the ring' was one more step toward that end.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The withered hand
It was bound to happen and it did.
The activity from last week came to an end on Sunday as the guys headed home to be with their wives on Mother's Day. This cabin became extremely quiet and lonely. It screamed at me it was so quiet. One of my friends, and a "club member", told me to steel myself for Sunday. It was going to be a deep and difficult time. She was right.
Not only were the guys gone, it was Mother's Day....the first Mother's Day without Bonnie. I called Shelley, knowing she was going to have a difficult day as well. The dark edges, as I call them, were bound to creep in on her also. This was the first time she had ever experienced a Mother's Day without her Mom. How sad.
To have loved someone so exceptional was a blessing beyond description. To lose that loved one is as difficult as the blessing was wonderful. Shelley had a mother beyond compare. They continued to talk almost daily and those conversations brought joy to them both...and to me. The phone is silent now...as silent as this cabin.
I feel it as a void. There is just nothing that can replace the presence of a woman like Bonnie.
I spent the day yesterday putting the house back in order. Nine guys can make a big mess. Don't get me wrong though. The "mess" was more than worth it. For those few days, I felt more 'normal' than I have for quite some time. I want them to know how much I appreciate their being here and how much I appreciate their wives letting them come on Mother's Day Weekend. I know each of their wives and I can guarantee you that each one is a very special lady and mother.
Then, today, I had to face medical bills. It is not that the bills are large or that I cannot pay them if it is ruled that I owe them. It is that they are still coming in or being reviewed. These reviews force me to relive the days that were the worst. They force me to recall the details I am trying so hard to forget. Time has begun to fade them, but the medical reviews force me to remember them exactly as they were.
After a couple of hours on the phone regarding two of the last claims, I felt I needed to write this entry. It is therapeutic for me. Perhaps it will be helpful to someone else as well. That is what I hope each time I write.
This morning I was reading "At His Feet"....catching up on the devotionals that had been missed during the frenzy of the past few days. Luke 6:10 caught my attention..."Stretch out your hand." That devotional closed with this statement... "Own up to your withered hand, and let His strength be demonstrated in your weakness. It's the only way He'll show an unbelieving world the power of God."
I hope that is what I am doing with this "blog". This is my withered hand....my weakness....being shown to you, being offered to Him. The extent to which I get through this time will be His strength at work, not mine. The 'coincidences' that occur which lift this weight are His miracles, not just random acts. I am depending upon Him because I cannot imagine being able to continue to breathe, let alone survive, by my own withered hand.
The activity from last week came to an end on Sunday as the guys headed home to be with their wives on Mother's Day. This cabin became extremely quiet and lonely. It screamed at me it was so quiet. One of my friends, and a "club member", told me to steel myself for Sunday. It was going to be a deep and difficult time. She was right.
Not only were the guys gone, it was Mother's Day....the first Mother's Day without Bonnie. I called Shelley, knowing she was going to have a difficult day as well. The dark edges, as I call them, were bound to creep in on her also. This was the first time she had ever experienced a Mother's Day without her Mom. How sad.
To have loved someone so exceptional was a blessing beyond description. To lose that loved one is as difficult as the blessing was wonderful. Shelley had a mother beyond compare. They continued to talk almost daily and those conversations brought joy to them both...and to me. The phone is silent now...as silent as this cabin.
I feel it as a void. There is just nothing that can replace the presence of a woman like Bonnie.
I spent the day yesterday putting the house back in order. Nine guys can make a big mess. Don't get me wrong though. The "mess" was more than worth it. For those few days, I felt more 'normal' than I have for quite some time. I want them to know how much I appreciate their being here and how much I appreciate their wives letting them come on Mother's Day Weekend. I know each of their wives and I can guarantee you that each one is a very special lady and mother.
Then, today, I had to face medical bills. It is not that the bills are large or that I cannot pay them if it is ruled that I owe them. It is that they are still coming in or being reviewed. These reviews force me to relive the days that were the worst. They force me to recall the details I am trying so hard to forget. Time has begun to fade them, but the medical reviews force me to remember them exactly as they were.
After a couple of hours on the phone regarding two of the last claims, I felt I needed to write this entry. It is therapeutic for me. Perhaps it will be helpful to someone else as well. That is what I hope each time I write.
This morning I was reading "At His Feet"....catching up on the devotionals that had been missed during the frenzy of the past few days. Luke 6:10 caught my attention..."Stretch out your hand." That devotional closed with this statement... "Own up to your withered hand, and let His strength be demonstrated in your weakness. It's the only way He'll show an unbelieving world the power of God."
I hope that is what I am doing with this "blog". This is my withered hand....my weakness....being shown to you, being offered to Him. The extent to which I get through this time will be His strength at work, not mine. The 'coincidences' that occur which lift this weight are His miracles, not just random acts. I am depending upon Him because I cannot imagine being able to continue to breathe, let alone survive, by my own withered hand.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
"The Boys of the Beaver Bunch" are here. They began arriving at the cabin on Pickwick Lake Thursday evening. The noise of guys having fun has not ceased for long except for sleeping. We are, what we call generation one and generation two of the Beaver Bunch...friends for over 25 years, and their sons/sons-in-law. There are nine of us here today.
Yesterday was our first day of fishing. The day began with us launching four bass boats. We congregated here at my dock prior to starting the fishing.
The morning turned into a great fishing trip. We'd planned on having a fish fry that night so everyeone wanted to catch enough fish for that. We ended up with far more fish than we needed. About half were returned to the water. We cleaned over forty fish. Everybody caught their share.
When we returned to the dock, the bragging and lying began...of course. There was an abundance of laughter and fun. As this was going on, the "dark edges" as I call them, closed in on me for awhile.
Bonnie was always the first of the ladies to come to the dock when 'the boys' returned from fishing. She delighted in hearing the stories, bragging, lying, trash talk that always occurred.
As yesterday's antics were unfolding, I wanted to hear her laughing at the fun as she always did. I longed to see her cut her eyes at me and wink, knowing these times were blessings beyond compare. We could never have had enough of these days, but we certainly enjoyed the ones we had. The times when the Beaver Bunch got together were some of our fondest shared memories.
Yesterday was our first day of fishing. The day began with us launching four bass boats. We congregated here at my dock prior to starting the fishing.
The morning turned into a great fishing trip. We'd planned on having a fish fry that night so everyeone wanted to catch enough fish for that. We ended up with far more fish than we needed. About half were returned to the water. We cleaned over forty fish. Everybody caught their share.
When we returned to the dock, the bragging and lying began...of course. There was an abundance of laughter and fun. As this was going on, the "dark edges" as I call them, closed in on me for awhile.
Bonnie was always the first of the ladies to come to the dock when 'the boys' returned from fishing. She delighted in hearing the stories, bragging, lying, trash talk that always occurred.
As yesterday's antics were unfolding, I wanted to hear her laughing at the fun as she always did. I longed to see her cut her eyes at me and wink, knowing these times were blessings beyond compare. We could never have had enough of these days, but we certainly enjoyed the ones we had. The times when the Beaver Bunch got together were some of our fondest shared memories.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Boundary Of Heaven
I am in Birmingham tonight with 'the kids'...Lexi, Shelley and Ben, having driven down this morning. This drive was unlike any other I've made here. I drove through several areas on the way here that were just destroyed, devastated, eliminated by the tornadoes of two days ago.
As I drove I was first struck, as we all are, by the physical destruction to homes, offices, factories and trees. For many miles I drove through areas that were obviously still without electricity and probably would be for quite some time. Then, it hit me.....the true devastation was not the physical things that were gone. These were but symptoms of families in grief. There were people in mourning, trying to come to grips with loved ones being gone and with whom they had not even had the chance to say goodbye. In some cases, they were literally ripped from them.
How difficult was my parting with Bonnie? How much more so theirs. While we did not know our parting was coming, we at least had the time to fight together, to talk together. We had the chance to tell one another that we loved one another, which we did more in the last two weeks of October 2010 than in any other period of our lives. How tragic that the victims of these tornadoes did not have that opportunity.
Tomorrow marks six months since Bonnie died. Tonight as I opened this web page, her picture stared at me. It captured me. Her eyes would not let me go. I stared back at her picture for many minutes before I began to type. Could it have been only six months? Could it have actually been that long? As I have said before, time becomes elastic in grief. Her picture reminded me that it has been 1/2 year since we were together. Only that long? It seems like ages. On the other hand, it still seems like yesterday.......
I wrote the above on the sixth month anniversary of Bonnie's passing...April 30, 2011. I did not post it. I have yet to understand why. I guess it just wasn't finished.....
When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death with loved ones, we come away very different....at least I have. A few years ago if I'd driven through storm-ravaged neighborhoods, I might not have even thought about the families in mourning. I would have seen the things I saw and yet not felt what I felt.
This time I realized there will be babies growing up without fathers or mothers or the sister or brother they won't know. There are husbands walking to funerals alone....or wives, now by themselves....fathers or mothers trying to figure out how to raise children on their own while grieving for their own loss, or fathers and mothers grieving over the loss of a son or daughter. The pain of human loss was what struck me last week.
When we've walked that walk, when we've been through that valley, we feel for others who are in it now. It hurts us more than it once did.
Perhaps that is a good thing. Perhaps that is the humbling aspect of grief....you realize you cannot get through this on your own and you pray for others in the same situation. You pray that they have the faith and the knowledge that their loved ones knew Jesus. You pray that their grief knows the boundary of heaven....that they know their loved one is in the arms of Jesus now and will be there throughout eternity. No pain, no sorrow...just the glory of God surrounding them.
That is how I've gotten through these past six months. That is what I pray for those whose lives were shattered last week.....that their grief knows the boundary of Heaven.
As I drove I was first struck, as we all are, by the physical destruction to homes, offices, factories and trees. For many miles I drove through areas that were obviously still without electricity and probably would be for quite some time. Then, it hit me.....the true devastation was not the physical things that were gone. These were but symptoms of families in grief. There were people in mourning, trying to come to grips with loved ones being gone and with whom they had not even had the chance to say goodbye. In some cases, they were literally ripped from them.
How difficult was my parting with Bonnie? How much more so theirs. While we did not know our parting was coming, we at least had the time to fight together, to talk together. We had the chance to tell one another that we loved one another, which we did more in the last two weeks of October 2010 than in any other period of our lives. How tragic that the victims of these tornadoes did not have that opportunity.
Tomorrow marks six months since Bonnie died. Tonight as I opened this web page, her picture stared at me. It captured me. Her eyes would not let me go. I stared back at her picture for many minutes before I began to type. Could it have been only six months? Could it have actually been that long? As I have said before, time becomes elastic in grief. Her picture reminded me that it has been 1/2 year since we were together. Only that long? It seems like ages. On the other hand, it still seems like yesterday.......
I wrote the above on the sixth month anniversary of Bonnie's passing...April 30, 2011. I did not post it. I have yet to understand why. I guess it just wasn't finished.....
When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death with loved ones, we come away very different....at least I have. A few years ago if I'd driven through storm-ravaged neighborhoods, I might not have even thought about the families in mourning. I would have seen the things I saw and yet not felt what I felt.
This time I realized there will be babies growing up without fathers or mothers or the sister or brother they won't know. There are husbands walking to funerals alone....or wives, now by themselves....fathers or mothers trying to figure out how to raise children on their own while grieving for their own loss, or fathers and mothers grieving over the loss of a son or daughter. The pain of human loss was what struck me last week.
When we've walked that walk, when we've been through that valley, we feel for others who are in it now. It hurts us more than it once did.
Perhaps that is a good thing. Perhaps that is the humbling aspect of grief....you realize you cannot get through this on your own and you pray for others in the same situation. You pray that they have the faith and the knowledge that their loved ones knew Jesus. You pray that their grief knows the boundary of heaven....that they know their loved one is in the arms of Jesus now and will be there throughout eternity. No pain, no sorrow...just the glory of God surrounding them.
That is how I've gotten through these past six months. That is what I pray for those whose lives were shattered last week.....that their grief knows the boundary of Heaven.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Jesus Touched Me
Easter has come and gone now. The promise of the resurrection lasts forever.
In my last post, I described a bit about Bonnie and the person she was, even in the face of pain, weakness and what I call evil. The same day that I was experiencing the memories from our last boat ride together the mail woman was putting something in my mail box.
Perhaps this was another reason I was to stay here this Easter and not try to "run away".
The following note came along with an Easter Card. The card will be forgotten, the personal note will not. You see, it describes eloquently, simply, and beautifully an aspect of Bonnie that was so obvious to those who knew her. She was different. She was......
I've given this note a nickname: "Jesus Touched Me"
About this time last year, Bonnie and I went to see the ‘Passion of the Christ” at the First Assembly of Good church in Florence , AL
We were sitting in the second row – Bonnie had the aisle seat. When the actors came in, the gentleman who played Jesus touched Bonnie on the shoulder. She turned to me and said “I was just touched by Jesus”. She chuckled – we both did. When we left, this same Jesus was standing at the door and we shook hands while I told him how much we enjoyed the play.
On the way to the car, Bonnie said “I was touched by Jesus” and of course I had to come back with “Yeah, but he shook my hand”.
We had a couple of weeks of fun out of this. She would nudge me and say, “I was touched by Jesus” and of course I would reply, “Yeah, but he shook my hand”. Just a giggle between two friends….
But, you know Barry, if there were ever anyone on this earth truly touched by Jesus, she was, and everyone she touched was touched by Him also.
Yes, that is true. He touched many people through Bonnie. Many of her friends from BSF, whom I did not know, have shared with me their experiences of meeting Bonnie, of her kindness, of her smile and encouragement, and of her touching them They were touched by Jesus too....through Bonnie.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
A First to remember a Last
Tomorrow is a Holy Day that is glorious in its message. It is difficult to comprehend it all. It is a blessing beyond belief for those who accept it. It does, after all "Exceed abundantly all that we can think or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20).
My sister, who has been so supportive of me these past months, asked me to be with them this weekend, knowing holidays are difficult for me. I, however, chose to be alone over this weekend. There was an expectation within me. There was a still, soft voice that was saying "Wait. Don't try to run away. Experience it."
Today may have been a small answer to that. What will tomorrow bring? I can only think or imagine. But today....
I spent the majority of the day working on the SeaRay boat. It is a 21 foot, open bow, ski rig. Bonnie and I bought it 11 years ago. We kept it in immaculate condition. Last Fall after Bonnie's death, Ben, my son-in-law helped me to winterize it. I can honestly say that I remember little of doing so. It has been a concern of mine all winter that I'd forgotten something...did I get the water out of the engine? Did I open all the drain cocks. Had I ruined the engine?
For the most part, today was a day of cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. As I was doing so I began to remember the last time the boat was on the water....the last time it had been run...that last time was the last time Bonnie, Hobo, and I had ridden in it together.
I believe it was September. It was a glorious pre-fall morning. Even though Bonnie was concerned that she was not strong enough to get down to the dock and into the boat, she wanted to go. I told her I would carry her if need be. She wanted to go and I'd take her. We went.
We took our normal run down Bear Creek and on the way back I asked her if I could 'Make Thunder'. She nodded, with that wonderful grin of hers.
"Making Thunder" is another of my expressions..it means the same thing as "letting the ponies run". In other words, the boat was about to go flat out. When the SeaRay is at full tilt and there is a chop on the water, it sounds like thunder rolling down the river. It is glorious to be in it when it "makes thunder". Bonnie loved it as much as I do, I think. Hobo, on the other hand, tends to hide under my feet when we are 'letting the ponies run'. We were both smiling, laughing, loving being out in the boat on a beautiful Fall day, together.
When we returned to the dock a challenge presented itself. Bonnie realized she was not strong enough to get out of the boat. It requires some stepping up and over to the dock. I had to literally pick her up, carry her over the side and sit her on the dock. Believe it or not, we both ended up laughing until our sides hurt. (There were two guys fishing in a boat nearby and we swore they probably thought Bonnie was still reeling from too much to drink the night before.) That was my Bonnie....able to laugh in the face of evil.
That was the last time we were in the boat together. That was the last time the boat had been run since she died.
Today was spent in preparation. (Does that ring a bell for this time of year? Are you preparing?)
I'd cleaned the boat as much as I could. I was tired. My back hurt. I was finished. But, there was this still, quiet voice that said...'remember'.
The wind was howling today. There was a two foot chop blowing from south to north across the end of the dock. Not an easy exit or entrance for a boat. But, I remembered that last time. Was it time for a first?
It just kept gnawing at me as I finished cleaning the interior. Why was I avoiding it? The boat HAD to go out eventually. GO!!
But, what would it be like, this FIRST time without Bonnie? Could I do this? Would the boat even start, and if so would the engine be ok? Then, if the boat would run, could I face it?
I lowered the boat in its cradle into the water. I cranked the engine over. Once, twice, three times. Then, on the fourth try that big engine fired. It belched the blue smoke from the fogging oil and kept on chugging. Then, it caught and sounded like a brand new engine. I carefully backed the boat out of the slip, with it banging around from the waves.
Hobo took his normal spot in the back seat, his head resting on the gunwale, facing the houses....he likes to sight-see in comfort. The memories flooded back.
We idled south, past the homes nearby, as I carefully watched gauges and listened to the engine. Everything seemed normal. Ben and I must have winterized her well.
As the houses went past and then behind us, I nudged the throttle. We were going into the wind and the chop was a bit rough. Hobo decided it was time to take cover. I was doing fine with the whole thing, concentrating on the boat and how it was running.
Then, I turned into a large cove and pushed the throttle even farther down. Farther. Farther. I turned out of the cove and back toward the house. I realized then that this was the exact course Bonnie and I had taken last September.
I just had to do it. I jammed the throttle to full open and in two foot waves, going 50 mph, started "making thunder". The tears were streaming, the engine was screaming, the waves were splashing up and over the boat. In the midst of the tears was laughter....mine for sure, hers, I think so. Remembering a "last" that was so precious. It was a celebration.
Bonnie gave that to me.....that last wonderful, precious memory. On her last time in that boat, she presented me with what I will remember as a precious first memory.
Was this the reason I was to stay here for Easter? I don't know. What will tomorrow bring. I don't know that either. I do know however, what Jesus brought to us....His resurrection....our promise of everlasting life if we believe in Him and change our ways to His ways.
Would I have made this post if I had not listened to that still quiet voice? No. Would I have experienced this wonderful event had I not let Jesus move me into that boat to remember a last while experiencing a first? No!! Would any of us have a promise, a hope of everlasting life had Jesus not died for us and then crushed the grave to live forever? NO!!!!!
Tomorrow.......exceeding abundantly.
My sister, who has been so supportive of me these past months, asked me to be with them this weekend, knowing holidays are difficult for me. I, however, chose to be alone over this weekend. There was an expectation within me. There was a still, soft voice that was saying "Wait. Don't try to run away. Experience it."
Today may have been a small answer to that. What will tomorrow bring? I can only think or imagine. But today....
I spent the majority of the day working on the SeaRay boat. It is a 21 foot, open bow, ski rig. Bonnie and I bought it 11 years ago. We kept it in immaculate condition. Last Fall after Bonnie's death, Ben, my son-in-law helped me to winterize it. I can honestly say that I remember little of doing so. It has been a concern of mine all winter that I'd forgotten something...did I get the water out of the engine? Did I open all the drain cocks. Had I ruined the engine?
For the most part, today was a day of cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. As I was doing so I began to remember the last time the boat was on the water....the last time it had been run...that last time was the last time Bonnie, Hobo, and I had ridden in it together.
I believe it was September. It was a glorious pre-fall morning. Even though Bonnie was concerned that she was not strong enough to get down to the dock and into the boat, she wanted to go. I told her I would carry her if need be. She wanted to go and I'd take her. We went.
We took our normal run down Bear Creek and on the way back I asked her if I could 'Make Thunder'. She nodded, with that wonderful grin of hers.
"Making Thunder" is another of my expressions..it means the same thing as "letting the ponies run". In other words, the boat was about to go flat out. When the SeaRay is at full tilt and there is a chop on the water, it sounds like thunder rolling down the river. It is glorious to be in it when it "makes thunder". Bonnie loved it as much as I do, I think. Hobo, on the other hand, tends to hide under my feet when we are 'letting the ponies run'. We were both smiling, laughing, loving being out in the boat on a beautiful Fall day, together.
When we returned to the dock a challenge presented itself. Bonnie realized she was not strong enough to get out of the boat. It requires some stepping up and over to the dock. I had to literally pick her up, carry her over the side and sit her on the dock. Believe it or not, we both ended up laughing until our sides hurt. (There were two guys fishing in a boat nearby and we swore they probably thought Bonnie was still reeling from too much to drink the night before.) That was my Bonnie....able to laugh in the face of evil.
That was the last time we were in the boat together. That was the last time the boat had been run since she died.
Today was spent in preparation. (Does that ring a bell for this time of year? Are you preparing?)
I'd cleaned the boat as much as I could. I was tired. My back hurt. I was finished. But, there was this still, quiet voice that said...'remember'.
The wind was howling today. There was a two foot chop blowing from south to north across the end of the dock. Not an easy exit or entrance for a boat. But, I remembered that last time. Was it time for a first?
It just kept gnawing at me as I finished cleaning the interior. Why was I avoiding it? The boat HAD to go out eventually. GO!!
But, what would it be like, this FIRST time without Bonnie? Could I do this? Would the boat even start, and if so would the engine be ok? Then, if the boat would run, could I face it?
I lowered the boat in its cradle into the water. I cranked the engine over. Once, twice, three times. Then, on the fourth try that big engine fired. It belched the blue smoke from the fogging oil and kept on chugging. Then, it caught and sounded like a brand new engine. I carefully backed the boat out of the slip, with it banging around from the waves.
Hobo took his normal spot in the back seat, his head resting on the gunwale, facing the houses....he likes to sight-see in comfort. The memories flooded back.
We idled south, past the homes nearby, as I carefully watched gauges and listened to the engine. Everything seemed normal. Ben and I must have winterized her well.
As the houses went past and then behind us, I nudged the throttle. We were going into the wind and the chop was a bit rough. Hobo decided it was time to take cover. I was doing fine with the whole thing, concentrating on the boat and how it was running.
Then, I turned into a large cove and pushed the throttle even farther down. Farther. Farther. I turned out of the cove and back toward the house. I realized then that this was the exact course Bonnie and I had taken last September.
I just had to do it. I jammed the throttle to full open and in two foot waves, going 50 mph, started "making thunder". The tears were streaming, the engine was screaming, the waves were splashing up and over the boat. In the midst of the tears was laughter....mine for sure, hers, I think so. Remembering a "last" that was so precious. It was a celebration.
Bonnie gave that to me.....that last wonderful, precious memory. On her last time in that boat, she presented me with what I will remember as a precious first memory.
Was this the reason I was to stay here for Easter? I don't know. What will tomorrow bring. I don't know that either. I do know however, what Jesus brought to us....His resurrection....our promise of everlasting life if we believe in Him and change our ways to His ways.
Would I have made this post if I had not listened to that still quiet voice? No. Would I have experienced this wonderful event had I not let Jesus move me into that boat to remember a last while experiencing a first? No!! Would any of us have a promise, a hope of everlasting life had Jesus not died for us and then crushed the grave to live forever? NO!!!!!
Tomorrow.......exceeding abundantly.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Glimpses
This has been a roller coaster week for me. It began with a wonderful three days in Birmingham, visiting Shelley, Lexi and Ben. I was able to work outside cleaning their decks in preparation for a new coat of stain, but much more importantly, I was able to spend time with my two girls. They are a blessing to be around. Lexi is growing and becoming quite the little person now, at age 14 months. Shelley is, like her mother was, an excellent Mom. They are just a pleasure to watch.
On Tuesday, I thanked Shelley for giving me the first day since Bonnie's funeral that the dark edges had not crept in on me. It was a time when I was able to live a 'normal' day....a day that we all tend to take for granted...a day when things are going well for us. We let them pass without acknowledging that they are not 'normal' at all, but rather abnormal for many. I know I let many of those days go by over the years without giving true thanks for them. No longer.
I encourage each of you to give thanks at the end of those 'normal' days. They are quite special, after all.
Upon returning to this peaceful and beautiful spot on the shores of Pickwick lake, the dark edges started to creep back in. This time of healing is not a straight line at all. I've written before of one step forward and two steps back, of not being able to breathe. The comparison of Monday with Wednesday and Thursday was one of those times of stepping back.
On Thursday, Hobo took me fishing. It was wonderful to be out on the water with my dog. He loves to ride in the bass boat with his big Beagle ears flapping in the wind...until they flap too hard and he hides under the dash. These are times that, under normal circumstances, are favorites for me. Yesterday however I just couldn't get the loss of my dear Bonnie off my mind.
I've been reading the old testament this winter. I just completed Proverbs this week. As I finished the book, you know the chapter that hit me? Sure you do. Go to it and you will understand. Proverbs 31:10-31...It begins "A wife of noble character, who can find?" I was blessed to have done so. It concludes with "Give her the reward she has earned".... I believe she is now receiving that reward....in Heaven, for all eternity, receiving all the promises given to the faithful.
I witnessed another wife of noble character this week....my daughter Shelley. Ben is a very fortunate man. He found a wife of noble character too....a wife trained by a mother of noble character. To see Shelley at work with Lexi gave me a glimpse into my past....watching Bonnie at work with Shelley.
On Tuesday, I thanked Shelley for giving me the first day since Bonnie's funeral that the dark edges had not crept in on me. It was a time when I was able to live a 'normal' day....a day that we all tend to take for granted...a day when things are going well for us. We let them pass without acknowledging that they are not 'normal' at all, but rather abnormal for many. I know I let many of those days go by over the years without giving true thanks for them. No longer.
I encourage each of you to give thanks at the end of those 'normal' days. They are quite special, after all.
Upon returning to this peaceful and beautiful spot on the shores of Pickwick lake, the dark edges started to creep back in. This time of healing is not a straight line at all. I've written before of one step forward and two steps back, of not being able to breathe. The comparison of Monday with Wednesday and Thursday was one of those times of stepping back.
On Thursday, Hobo took me fishing. It was wonderful to be out on the water with my dog. He loves to ride in the bass boat with his big Beagle ears flapping in the wind...until they flap too hard and he hides under the dash. These are times that, under normal circumstances, are favorites for me. Yesterday however I just couldn't get the loss of my dear Bonnie off my mind.
I've been reading the old testament this winter. I just completed Proverbs this week. As I finished the book, you know the chapter that hit me? Sure you do. Go to it and you will understand. Proverbs 31:10-31...It begins "A wife of noble character, who can find?" I was blessed to have done so. It concludes with "Give her the reward she has earned".... I believe she is now receiving that reward....in Heaven, for all eternity, receiving all the promises given to the faithful.
I witnessed another wife of noble character this week....my daughter Shelley. Ben is a very fortunate man. He found a wife of noble character too....a wife trained by a mother of noble character. To see Shelley at work with Lexi gave me a glimpse into my past....watching Bonnie at work with Shelley.
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