Acceptance, weakness, strength

My last post was a difficult one to write.  It probably marked a milestone in my grief, but this morning, it does not feel so much like that. 

Today, I am admitting to weakness.  Our little church down the lane has a singing group in for a special service.  I've chosen to stay home, write this new entry, and do my own bible study.  You see, hymns, especially the old ones, are extremely difficult for me...even now.  Music touches our hearts and mine is still far too sensitive.  The last time we had a musical group at our church saw me in crisis.  I chose to avoid it this morning and admit weakness.  Perhaps my removing the ring was acceptance, but it was not a statement that my heart is healed.

On a previous post I mentioned that one thing taking my time was the establishment of a foundation for the protection, renewal, and maintenance of our cemetery.  That is proceeding, although slowly.  The cemetery itself looks much better already.  Thanks to a local resident, as well as the members of the church, the underbrush along the edges of the cemetery has been cleared.  That made a tremendous difference in showing the beauty of the 2.4 acre hillside.  In addition, the county has placed white gravel up to the entrance of the cemetery and we will continue that into the grounds.  What an improvement that will be over the muddy track that once brought us into the cemetery. 

I'm still recruiting board members and seeking an attorney to represent us in the legal aspects of incorporating and obtaining legal title.  So, progress is being made.  There will be opportunities for each of you to support our efforts if you choose to do so and I will keep you updated on our progress.  Please be praying for this to proceed in a way that 'Honors God and remembers our loved ones'...which is the mission statement for the foundation.

Under the heading of keeping busy to stay relatively sane...those of you who know me well, know that boats are my weakness.  For some it is cars.  For some it is planes, or horses or whatever.  For me...it is boats.  I've had in my 'bucket list' the acquisition of a large boat with which to cruise the nation's rivers and perhaps the intracoastal waterway.  This week I am going to Sandusky Ohio to inspect a Trawler.  The owner has accepted my offer contingent upon my inspection, a survey and sea trial.

If all goes well, I will have it trucked back to Pickwick Lake this summer and begin the process of getting acquainted with her.   I am hoping this will be a pleasant adventure, a way to meet interesting people and another way to keep my mind, hands and heart occupied this summer.  Perhaps the winter will be spent aboard her in a warm climate!!!

Bonnie, and her absence from my physical life, is still the last thing of which I think at night and the first thought I have each morning.  Acceptance that this is real?....perhaps.  Adapting to it?....maybe.   Healing?....keeping an open mind on that.  Walking and breathing?....that is what she expects....that is what HE is helping me to do.  I am depending upon HIM to carry me....but isn't that what He expects/wants from us anyway?  Perhaps that is even why certain things happen in our lives....to make us realize we are not in control nor able to weather certain storms.  Jesus is in control and we can weather certain storms ONLY with His help.  Then, and only then, do we realize we should not be afraid.  Not because we are strong...but because HE is.