Available

Proverbs 16:9 tells us that “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”  In this journal and in the Caring Bridge entries I have quoted this scripture several times.  Today, it speaks a different message to me.

I’ve written recently about waiting, of learning to dance again and how the Lord has been teaching me some new steps.  This entry will be a bit different.  It is a realization that came to me over the past couple of months.

There have been a number of people who have told me these entries have helped them.  I have appreciated their comments, yet the words you read are not mine.  While they come from my heart and are typed by my fingers, they are put on my heart by God.  To the extent that they help anyone the glory is His and His alone.  This is not false humility….I believe it with all my heart. 

You have sensed, I am sure, a change in me over this past month.  In early May I was able to remove my wedding ring.  Then, almost immediately, I met someone who helped me dramatically.  Kathy has allowed me to begin to look forward again. 

When I told her that, she explained it was an answer to her prayer to be used by God to help others.  We have become close friends over this past month and I’d wanted to bring it up in this journal.  My latest entry on “waiting” was designed to tell how God had forced me to wait while His plans unfolded in my life to include this new friendship.

A few days ago a woman wrote to thank me for that entry on waiting.  She was being forced to wait on a surgery that she wanted NOW. She was, understandably concerned.  Yet, by reading that journal entry she was able to depend upon God’s timing, not her own. 

I had made my plan to introduce Kathy to all of you.  God had used that entry for an entirely different purpose.  All I had done was make my writing available for Him to use.  Kathy had made her friendship available to me and God had used it to help me look forward again.  Then, He used our new friendship and the journal entry to reach this dear woman struggling with a medical challenge. 

When we make ourselves available, when we make our talents available, when we let HIM lead our steps, miracles happen.  People are helped.  Souls can be saved for eternity.  Just make ourselves available….like two unlikely men in a Nashville park did for me.  Like Kathy did for me.  God does the rest.  We just have to be available.  And remember too, John 15:5  “apart from me (Jesus), you can do nothing”.

Would you take a minute…right now…to say a prayer for Bonnie’s friend from BSF who is currently waiting…on answers, on surgery, on treatment, on Him.  God will know for whom you pray.  Just pray for her healing, for her to feel His comfort.

WAIT!!!!!

Psalm 27:14 tells us to "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

I have written previously in this journal and the Caring Bridge site how extremely difficult this is for me.  I am, by nature, an impatient person.  I have always been driven to get the work done quickly and efficiently.  To 'wait' is not a part of my DNA.  Yet, there is is in Psalm 27 and many other places in the Bible..."wait".

But don't stop reading there.  We are also told to "be strong" and to "take heart".  I believe that also translates into "be calm".  When we "take heart" in the ultimate power of all creation a calm settles over us and we are able to at least appear strong.  When we absolutely, positively put our faith in God, a calm does settle over us, knowing that HE is in control and we just have to wait for His plan to unfold.

During Bonnie's illnesses and then following her death there were many times when I was brought to my knees, knowing there was nothing I could do.  It was in His hands.  His plan was unfolding.  I was required to 'wait'. 

Why is waiting so important a concept?  Perhaps waiting is a giving up of our pride.  When we acknowledge we must wait we are admitting there is nothing we can do.  Then, when the answers come, and they will come, we are able to realize they are HIS answers, not ours.  We are able to give Him the glory for it is by His hands, not our own, that the answer comes.

During these last eight months following Bonnie's death, there was, admittedly despair.  I lost my concentration on Jesus.  I floundered.  But HE never let me drown.  It was not by anything I did that I continued to breathe.  In fact, there were times I wished I would stop.  I was FORCED to just wait.

I didn't see many changes or improvements at first.  Much like night turning to day. 

Have you ever watched that happen?  It can be so dark you can feel it. Imperceptibly, slowly you will discern some inkling of light.  Then a gray starts to take shape.  Then brighter, brighter and the most beautiful of things happens.....the sun rises...it is a beautiful new day. 

When you have watched it turn from deep darkness to a bright new day you realize there was nothing you did to make that happen.  You just waited.  God set it all in motion. 

That new day is fresh, clean, bright and hold promises that you would never have seen had you not come through the darkness and 'waited' for the dawn.  How much more we appreciate the new dawns when we have waited through the darkness.

Humble Gratitude

Another 'first' came and went this week.  This was one I have been dreading for quite some time.  Bonnie and I were married on June 7, 1969.  The first anniversary without Bonnie was coming down the track like a freight train and I wasn't sure I was ready or able to get out of the way.

However, go back and read my entry from May 22.  I'd written that it was, perhaps, time to begin to learn to dance again.  Events had been leading up to that, but could I stand, much less dance on the 7th of June?

My sister Brenda, my daughter Shelley, my niece Kacie and, of course, my grand baby Lexi had been here over the weekend.  Shelley and I took Lexi to church with us.  Our little church down the lane always celebrates the birthdays and wedding anniversaries of those present.  When something was said about those having anniversaries next week, I shuddered.  Shelley put her hand on my knee.  How would that unfold?  We were both uncertain.

As "luck" (we all know how I feel about that) would have it, I was scheduled to be in Ohio on June 7.  In fact, the sea trial of the boat I am negotiating to purchase was scheduled for June 7 on Lake Erie.  The morning was hectic with a surveyor, a mechanic, two brokers and me on the boat looking at every inch of her, testing every piece of equipment, and teaching me how it all works and how to maintain her properly. Needless to say, the morning was packed.

When the sea trial was finished Butch, my broker, and I decided it was best if we started back home.  But, on the way home, we were to pass through my old home town of Middletown, Ohio.  Do you remember my writing about my good friend Judy who has been so very helpful to me over these past months?  Well, we were to see her on the way through town.  I had not seen her for 25 years and was looking forward to it.

As with all good friends, the conversation started as if we had just seen one another yesterday.  She is, as she always has been, a delight to be around. 

What do you suppose she brought with her that was so important she wanted to show me?  It was her wedding album!!!  The pictures were 41 years old.  You see she had married Bill a few months after Bonnie and I were married and we had attended her wedding.  One of the pictures in that album was of Bonnie and me going through the receiving line.  I had my hand on Bonnie's back and she was wearing a yellow linen suit.  Yellow was her favorite color....(we'd gone to the wedding in my YELLOW Camaro.)

Why am I telling you this? 

Because instead of breaking down and crying, I was able to smile, even laugh, over the picture.  Judy was totally ignoring everyone else in the line.  We were laughing together.  It was a glorious moment.  When she hugged me, I told Judy "I hope you and Bill will be as happy as Bonnie and I have been".  Memories are coming back...happy ones...painful ones are receding. 

On that day, exactly 42 years after Bonnie and I were married, I was able to smile and even laugh.  Thanks to a friend whom God had put in my path 50 years ago, I was able to dance a few steps when I thought I'd have trouble walking.  But you see, we make our plans, God determines our steps (even to our dance).  I am walking because of Him.  I am even beginning to dance because of Him.

Before I close this entry, I want to digress for a moment.  As I mentioned, I am negotiating to purchase a boat.  It is a beautiful thing and something that has been on my bucket list for quite some time. 

One would think I should be so very excited about purchasing her and I am.  What a privilege it is to be able to do so.  But, I've been struggling with it for some reason.  Part of that is explained by this scripture:  Luke 6:24-26  "Woe to you who are rich, ....who are well fed now,... who laugh now, .....when all men speak well of you."

The devotional entry for today in "At His Feet" was about this very scripture...imagine that..."coincidences" just keep happening. 

A couple of lines from that devotional struck me and certainly helped me to put this in perspective.  "We know from other Bible passages - which Jesus never contradicts - that there is nothing inherently wrong with wealth, food, laughing, and a good reputation.  But these (scriptures above)  are sobering warnings.  Those who take comfort in their wealth, food, pleasure, and reputation - and who ignore God because of them - will be tragically sorry.... If you have them, handle them with care; they are gifts from God, blessings given entirely by the grace of His goodness and not on your merit.  They are no cause for pride, only for humble gratitude."

I am so very thankful for this devotional today.  It explained to me what I'd been struggling with.  It put the ability to purchase "Andante" (the boat) in perspective.  I am humbly grateful to be able to purchase her.  I don't deserve her.  Sure, I worked hard all of my career to earn the money to buy her.  But, many work far harder.  Many are wiser.  It is not of my strength or ability that I am able to do so.  Once again, HIS hand is at play.  I am humbly grateful for this privilege. 

Ecclesiastes had the order correct.....the dance is sweeter following mourning.  For that I am humbly grateful as well.