One Month

I can tell that 'firsts' are not the only thing that will be difficult in the future.  Anniversaries are going to be a challenge as well.  Today marks one month since my beloved Bonnie stepped victoriously into heaven.  I awoke with that thought on my mind and it won't go away. 

It is rainy, windy and cold here today.  I sat on the couch as the dark of night gave way to the gray of day and decided to try to read.  I'm not yet up to reading a large book. That still requires too much concentration.  I decided to try to get through a 5 page pamphlet and an 84 page booklet that Alive Hospice sent me as a part of their services to families who have lost a loved one.

The pamphlet is titled "Losing Your Wife".  It was written by someone who had survived losing his wife to breast cancer and was written in the form of a letter to another friend who had just lost his wife.  Reading it was like reading a description of where I've been and where I expect to be going.  He spoke of emotional roller coasters, feeling the loss on many levels, expecting major identity changes, trying to work with memories and reaching out - and up - for help.  Just to read of his journey helped to continue mine.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  Keep on walking. 

Reminds me of a sermon that Mike Glenn at Brentwood Baptist preached a year or so ago....that our goal is to just keep on walking....trusting that God has the destination already figured out.  My prayer, my consolation, my trust, my knowledge is that my ultimate destination will reunite Bonnie and me. 

The booklet, titled "What to do when you don't know what to do", was of less specific help, but did begin with a statement I found meaningful: "One of the most difficult and yet most powerful lessons we can learn in our life pilgrimage is that God will make a way for us through our pain and trials if we call on Him for help."   It later quoted from Don Moen's song that expresses this truth beautifully:

God will make a way

When there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to his side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way.

He has made a way for me to somehow get through this first month.  He will make a way for me to get through the next one as well.

Jesus is the way...   

Thanksgiving II

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Giving thanks has not.

My time with Ken, Cheryl, Shelley, Ben and of course, Lexi over Thanksgiving was, as you can imagine bittersweet.  Ken and Cheryl (Ben's parents) were very kind and attentive and I appreciate their hospitality.  Ben and Shelley and Lexi always brighten any room for me. 

I found, however, that being away from this little cabin by the lake was very difficult.  There is something about being 'away' for extended periods of time that is disconcerting.  I need to be 'near' home.  Perhaps more accurately, I need to feel close to Bonnie.  When I am away from this place, I feel more disconnected from her and that is just too painful right now.   Another challenge I suppose.

This morning, as I anticipated going to our little church down the lane, I was sitting on the couch where Bonnie most often sat when she read her bible.  I find myself sitting there almost exclusively now.  I was also reading her bible, not mine.  I do that now too.  There is something about touching those pages that she so lovingly turned that puts me in contact with her like nothing else I do.

One prayer that I say almost every time I visit her grave is that she speak to me.  Perhaps, through her bible, she is. 

This morning, when I checked onto my computer there was a note from a long time friend who had lost her husband about a year and a half ago.  Danny and Phyllis, like Bonnie and me, were best friends.  They also shared a love for God and a strong faith that made them special to us.  Phyllis's note to me this morning was gentle, kind, reassuring and beautiful.  She understands the pain and yet she is strengthened by her faith and her knowledge that Bonnie and Danny are doing what they lived to do.   They've reached their goal.  They are victorious.

Her words reassured me that I can get through this time.  She quoted Phillipians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  When I read that, it seemed as if Bonnie had written to me on one of her "little yellow pieces of paper".  Again, maybe Bonnie is speaking to me...through a friend.

I am very thankful for friends who share their faith with me.  I am thankful for friends who reassure me through that faith.  I am thankful for His words, shared with me through others.  Thanksgiving may have come and gone, but giving thanks has not.

Thanksgiving

As another "first" stares me in the face, I was driving from Pickwick Lake to Tellico Lake today.  Shelley, Ben and Lexi will join me at Ben's parents house tomorrow.  The windshield time was a good time to think and "thank". 

At this terribly low and dark time in my life I was, quite honestly, not thinking much about giving thanks.  And yet, as the miles went by, I happened to glance above the windshield of the car I was driving....it was Bonnie's little Jeep Patriot....and I noticed the cds that were held in place by one of those black elastic holders.  They reminded me of the  lyrics to a beautiful song.   "Give Thanks",  You probably remember how it goes.....

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

As I recited those words over and over and over I began to think about other things for which to be thankful. 

While my missing her did not ease, I did begin to give thanks for having known Bonnie.  I gave thanks for loving her.  I gave thanks for her loving me.  This extraordinary woman actually loved me.  How amazing!  How wonderful!  How thankful I am for her life and for the fact that she lived the majority of her time on earth with me.  How thankful I am that someday we will live eternally together with our Lord because God has given us Jesus Christ, His Son,.

So, tomorrow, as this 'first' Thanksgiving arrives I will be able to give thanks.  I will have a grateful heart.  I pray that each one who reads this post will give thanks as well....thanks because HE gave us Jesus Christ, His Son. 

Victory Celebration

Many of you could not attend Bonnie's funeral.  I thought it might be meaningful for you to read what one of Bonnie's dear friends had to say about her during the service.  Tiletta captured Bonnie in way I never could.  It was, quite honestly, perfect....

Bonnie’s Victory Celebration            Tuesday Nov.2,2010

I have thought a lot about what to share with you today.

I do not need to tell you what kind of a person Bonnie was – you already know that.

Since I do not know how long I will last up here, I want to tell you the most important thing first.

The absolute, never doubt it, where the rubber meets the road, take it to the bank truth, is that the secret to the life of Bonnie Bard is JESUS.  She was who she was because HE is who HE is.

I met Bonnie at a women’s Bible study where we had both agreed to lead a small group. It was our first day of training to learn how to appropriately lead the group and since we were both new, we sat together. After introductions were made, she asked me if I had ever done anything like this before. I told her yes, but it had been a very long time ago. I asked her the same question and she told me that, no she had never done it and that quite frankly, she was not sure that she should be doing it now either !

That conversation was the beginning of a life-changing friendship for both of us.

We talked about a lot of things over the next several years, but I do not recall any conversation with her that did not, at some point, zero in on the things of God.

We talked about our questions, shared what we were learning , read scripture and prayed and every conversation ended with, “I love you my friend – pray me through.”

We talked about husbands and kids – and then Lexi and my grandbabies came along and suddenly husbands and kids didn’t get much air time anymore !

It is a joy for me to meet many of you since Bonnie asked me often to pray with her for her friends.

The first time she asked, it had to do with you, Virginia !  She called and asked me to pray for you. I told her that of course I would do that and then there was silence on the other end of the line. Then I heard her say,“Well…………………  My very spiritual response was, “Well what ?”

And her response was, “WELL,PRAY!”  And so I learned early on that when Bonnie asked for prayer, she expected it to happen NOW !

It seemed that every time we went to lunch her cell phone would ring with a call from  Shelley and she would giggle and say, “ I’m sure she thinks that I do absolutely nothing except eat with you !”

One day over lunch, I noticed that Bonnie was wearing a beautiful blue aquamarine ring.  I comment on it and with a sparkle on her eye and a big grin on her face, she told me," Barry bought me this ring for my  birthday......................he just doesn't know it yet !

Then one day late in the afternoon, my phone rang and everything changed.

“Hey Tiletta – it’s Bonnie.

So, ok, I have cancer………………..now what?”

I answered,” I don’t know.”

She replied.” How do I do this? How am I supposed to feel? “

Again, I replied, “ I don’t know.”

And her response was “Well, what do you know ??”

And so we talked about what we did know. Since there were so many unknowns, we talked about the things that were still the same.

We talked about how God’s love and protection were the same on that day as they were on the days before the diagnosis.

We talked about the absolute truth of Gods Word and that all of HIS promises were and are still true.

We remembered past struggles and the way God had brought us through and we read Isaiah 41:10.

Our phone conversations were different after that.

As the disease took its toll on her, there were times when all she had the strength to say was ”Pray for me, just pray, I need to hear you pray for me.”  And we would pray .

As her eyesight became affected, she would call and say,”Read to me, just read to me.”

And we would read…….mostly Psalms……….and when the truth of Gods Word had calmed and comforted her, she would say “Thanks, dear friend……..I love you.”  And the call would end.

She became frustrated with her limited physical activity and would often ask,”How can God use me when I can’t do anything?  We would talk about the fact that during some seasons of life, God calls us to BE and not to DO. She would confess that she knew it was true but hated it anyway.

We read  Psalm 46:10  - Be still and know that I am God……………………and we agreed to try.

I have a bunch of grandbabies who are discovering the tactile part of life. They love to feel , and touch, and squeeze and grab onto everthing that they see.

One of them in particular, loves to sit on my lap and touch my face……….loves to watch my eyes blink……………loves to tug on my ears and touch my nose.

When that sweet child is done slobbering all over me, she will put her cheek next to mine and just be still for a few amazing moments.

My grandma’s heart – (if your’re not a grandma, just bear with me here ) is in an unbelievable place and I wish with all I have that we could stay in that place forever.

I believe that in the last season of Bonnie’s life, she was in that amazing place. She was on the lap of her Saviour…………touching HIS face, watching HIS eyes…………..seeing HIM as she had never seen HIM before…………something that is not possible from a distance.

And then last Saturday night, Bonnie placed her cheek on the cheek of Jesus and she heard HIM say,”Oh, Bonnie………this is all I have ever wanted from you.  Lets stay in this place………forever.

I imagine that HE smiled…………I KNOW that she did……………..and then she was HOME.

We are not here to honor Bonnie and remember God.

We are here to honor GOD and remember Bonnie.

 It’s what she would want.

Let me just end this rambling that same way that it started.

The secret to the life of Bonnie Bard was………….and still is, JESUS.

Amen Tiletta.  And, thank you.
Barry

"Firsts"

One of my friends, who lost her husband almost exactly a year ago reminded me about 'firsts'.  'Firsts' are times you took for granted...things you did with your loved one....things that will be experienced again, but without them.  The first time you do that without your loved one is a 'first'.  They are difficult, excruciating, and unfortunately necessary.

Today was a 'first' for me.  This was a Sunday morning.  On Sundays, Bonnie and I were privileged to go to church.  We enjoyed praising our Lord.  We loved giving Him glory.  Today, was my 'first' time in Sunday School and Church without Bonnie by my side. 

Bonnie loved to teach Sunday School.  She was in her element doing so.  She thought that teaching the bible was the very, very best thing.  This morning was the first time I'd been to Sunday School without her.  

When the teacher asked us to share things for which we were thankful, I did not answer her.  I wanted to so badly.  I wanted to scream things for which I am thankful, but I held back.  Why?  Because I could not speak without crying.  I knew that and I stayed silent. 

Then, at the end of the class Mary Jane asked me to close the class with a prayer.  Whew.  I began by telling her I would be glad to do so, but I didn't know if I could get through it.  With God's help, Bonnie's help and a very shaky, tearful voice I did get it done.  

Thankful....yes.  For the church, for 42 years with someone like Bonnie, for friends who loved her - and me - for a God who would give his Son to save someone like me.  Thankful....you bet.

Then, to Church.  I sat in the same row we always sat.  I sat in the same seat I always sat.  I found that I naturally put my left arm on the back of the seat where I always found myself cradling Bonnie during the service.  During the past two years, we invariably found ourselves sitting so close to one another that we really only needed one seat.  The only difference today was that Bonnie was no longer next to me. 

I know she was in Heaven.  I know she was praising God face-to-face and full-time.  But, I sure did miss her next to me.

'Firsts' are tough. 

This is the point in my writing where I really miss Bonnie's little yellow pieces of paper.  This is where, last year, I would have put one of the bible verses that were on Bonnie's heart. 

But tonight, I will share something with you that I have only told a few people.

Get out your bible and read the 23rd Psalm.  You will recognize it.  You can probably recite it.

In the Intensive Care Unit, a few days before Bonnie crossed into Heaven, her breathing was very labored.  She was in distress.   She could not make herself breathe properly.

We were fearful of sedating Bonnie at that point, because we were not sure we could bring her back if we did.  We did not have a diagnosis and we were holding out hope that there could be a solution. 

Bonnie's heart rate was above 90 and her breathing rate was above 40.  She was literally wearing herself out trying to breathe.  I sat on the bed beside her and took out her bible.  I opened it to the 23rd Psalm and began to read to her.  I read it over and over and over and over. 

I looked up at the monitors and the readings began to fall.  Hearing those familiar words soothed her as if she were being given a sedative.  Hearing those truths gave her the confidence to 'be still'.  She was hearing her God speak to her.  She knew those were His words.  She knew them 'by heart'. 

Her breathing slowed to 18 and her heart rate dropped to 60.  There was no medical reason for this.  There were no drugs involved.  This was His hand, and her heart at work.  He met her, and me, there in ICU and ministered to the woman I love.  He soothed Bonnie by His WORD!!!

This was one more way in which He answered my fervent prayer to KNOW that Jesus was there waiting on Bonnie.  Otherwise, how could I have let her go? 

Now, I KNOW Jesus is waiting on me too.....and Bonnie is there waiting as well.  That is one reunion worth 'getting back' for.

Changes....."getting back"

During the past several weeks, I've corresponded with a good friend from high school who lost her son.  Then, this week, I've started e-mailing another friend who lost his wife.  I found another good friend on FB who lost her husband.  He had been a friend of mine for almost 40 years. I hope to connect with her soon.  In addition, I am corresponding with another friend of over 30 years who lost her husband almost a year ago.  I hope to reconnect with another friend who lost his wife several years ago.

These people have gone through terrible grief and are still walking and talking.  There are times when I do not know if I can do that, so to talk to them is reassuring to me.

The friend who lost his wife described some things that made me think he had been in my head, the description of his grief is so similar.  One thing he told me was to "stay in the now".  That sounds like a strange thing if you have not been where we are walking. 

I've already described how to think or plan more than a day out is impossible for me.  Then, to think of the past won't work because I cannot get past the last six months of Bonnie's pain.  So, his advice, to 'stay in the now' makes perfect sense to me. 

I must learn to be content with the 'now'.  I can do that in most instances.  As long as I am busy, I can handle 'now'.  And, while it is a blessing to 'be still and know that He is God', it is almost more than I can do at any given time.  When I can, I do.  When I do, it is wonderful.

I never thought much about 'support groups' before.  I guess I've never needed one.  But, it is helping to contact folks who have walked this path before me....if for no other reason than to know I can continue to walk.....even when I really don't want to.

As this day proceeded, I kept busy.  Extremely busy.  Those who know me are saying "So what's new, different or a change in that?"  Not much actually.  I've always been that way. 

Today began with the installation of the new washing machine.  I've never been 'happy' to have a new one.  Today I was.  It has not stopped since about 10 this morning.  Following that minor victory, I went to the cemetery with Hobo.  I drove Bonnie's Rhino and took Hobo with me. 

As I went cross-country to the cemetery and drove up to Bonnie's grave, I imagined her smiling down.  She loved that Rhino and she always laughed at Hobo leaning through the seats, squinting in the wind as it blew his long ears back on his head. 

When we returned to the cabin I took Hobo to the dock with me.  I'm discovering how much preventive maintenance was ignored or overlooked these past six months.  I spent a couple of hours greasing boat lift pulleys, installing ties on the slip bumpers and draining the SeaRay's bilge.  At last the list was complete and, with the temps in the 70's and a light wind, I decided to take Hobo fishing. 

Again, you are asking, "What is different?" 

As I was running the bass boat across the lake to my favorite fishing hole I realized I did not need to worry about 'getting back' at any particular time.  For the past 42 years , when I went out, I was always expected back.  Or, most usually, I wanted to get back to tell Bonnie what I'd been up to or find out what she'd been doing.  Somehow, the 'getting back' was more important and exciting than what I was doing.  The 'getting back' was, after all was said and done, the goal.  It didn't matter whether the task was fishing, working, playing.  The "getting back" was what was most important to me.  Today, the 'getting back' was not important at all.

Duties

There are some things which must be done when someone you love makes their entrance into heaven.  These duties most likely befall the ones who love that person most.  I am working through those duties now.  The first flurry of those duties hit immediately after Bonnie's death.  Yesterday was, and today will be, filled with them. 

Yesterday Shelley, Lexi and I went to the funeral home to decide on a headstone.  Today Shelley and my sister Brenda will help me begin making our lake house into a home just for me.  (I'm not sure how long I sat here trying to decide what to type next.  Just thinking about what we will do today paralyzes me.) 

This morning I awoke before 5:00 AM and immediately began to think about the future.  That is not a good thing for me to do.  I've always been forward-focused.  Bonnie and I always had plans.  Now, to think past the next few minutes is overwhelming.  It is so because I cannot imagine 20 or more years without Bonnie beside me.  All of my plans have included her.  Every one.  How does one suddenly change that? 

Sometime along the way I began to bring my "plans" into a closer focus, thinking instead just about today and the duties it holds.  Can I do this?  Can I get through it?  Without Shelley and Brenda I know I could not.  Not now.  Perhaps not ever.

A few times in the last three weeks I've gone into our bedroom and just looked around.  Bonnie is, of course everywhere, as she is throughout this small cabin we were beginning to call home.  Her clothes are jammed into her closet and in her dresser.  They spill over to another dresser in a guest bedroom and are even in garbage bags stored in our guest house. 

We were, you see, in the process of moving from the "city house" when Bonnie's illness accelerated and we had not yet gotten our winter clothes put away and our summer clothes transitioned to storage.  Just looking at Bonnie's clothes destroyed the facade of bravery and control I try so hard to display.  Will I be able to put her possessions into boxes or give them away?  Even with my daughter and my sister here I'm not sure. 

I will try to not think about it and just go through the motions.  That is what has to be done.  That is what I did yesterday and what I did to plan her funeral. 

I also KNOW that Bonnie does not need these things any longer.  She is happy now, doing what she longed to do all of her life on this earth.  Her soul has thrown off the body that constrained it.  She is now free to praise God full time with no limits.  She is, I know, in the front row (if they have rows in Heaven) singing and praising Him.  She can now see Him clearly.  What joy that brings her, I KNOW.

The knowledge that Bonnie has made that transition to eternity with our God fills me with gladness.  It is her absence from my side that breaks my heart.  It is not for her that I mourn.  I rejoice for her, I just miss her presence here. 

In all that I do, I should aim for Heaven...that was what I wrote yesterday.  Can I do that today?  As the sun tries to break through the clouds this morning and the lake outside becomes a brighter shade of gray I think that perhaps I can get through this day.  Not because I am strong...far from it.  But, because God put four wonderful women in my life to help me. 

Bonnie:  Because of the way she lived her life and the example she set for me. 
Shelley:  Because she is her mother's daughter and is strong enough to lift me. 
Brenda:  Because she won't leave her 'little brother' to get through this alone. 
Lexi:  Because how can you be sad with the happiest baby I've ever seen in the room?

Bonnie aimed at Heaven.  She hit her mark.  The legacy she leaves includes the ability to help those she left behind for awhile.  What a wonderful gift she gave us.  Knowing that she is doing what she worked all of her life to do clears away the pain from my heart for today. 

If we have people we love, perhaps we should aim for heaven too?!  If not for ourselves, then for them.  When we know Jesus, it changes things.  Today will be different than it could have been because Bonnie knows Jesus, and because of her, so do I.

 











 

Challenges

C.S. Lewis said:  "God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way."   He also said: "Aim at Heaven and you will get Earth 'thrown in': aim at Earth and you will get neither."

My sister, Mary, suggested a book to me by C.S. Lewis that describes his grief and how it affected him following the death of his wife.  I must admit that I have not taken her up on her suggestion, although C.S. Lewis has written many profound books over the years.  I did, however, do some research into some quotes from him.  The two above are particularly applicable for me right now and perhaps can be for you as well.

One of the reasons I have not read the book my sister recommended is that I just do not have the "bandwidth" for reading a book at this point.  That is a challenge I am facing....one of many actually.  It takes a degree of concentration to do so and I find it difficult.  It was never a problem before but now my mind wanders from one thing to another.  I used to joke that I was not a multi-tasker.  I tended to do one thing at a time and preferred to concentrate on it until I had it done.  Now, not so much.

I wrote last about 'being still'.  In the midst of my day yesterday, I tried that a bit.  It was another challenge for me.  I opened Bonnie's bible to Psalms and began to read only the underlined passages and the verses with notes printed in the margins.  There were names and dates there as well.  I could tell that they were people for whom she was praying and the date on which she had done so. 

As I randomly thumbed through Psalms I began to realize that there were underlines or notes on virtually every page!  These were in different inks or pencils.  She had read it so many times and something was important enough on each page that, at one time or another, every page had special meanings to her. 

This, she had left for me.  This, God had left for me.  I found myself laying my hand on each page as I opened it.  The pleasant softness of that thin paper reminded me of her.  It was soothing to my soul.  I would never have sat down with her bible and so lovingly read it, experienced it, touched it in that way while she was here.  She was speaking to me through her "aiming at Heaven" for so many years.  God was allowing me to learn lessons that I would not have learned had she not gone to be with Him. 

One of my most difficult challenges in this horribly low point in my life is to learn the lessons He is trying to teach me.  Perhaps one of those lessons is to 'aim at Heaven' in all that I do.  How (on earth) can I possible do that when it is so very painful to get through a day and worse, a night?

I try to get through each day by being busy.  Doing something.  Doing anything to avoid "being still".  My fear is that if I am 'still', I will also be frozen, unable to move again, enveloped in despair. 

Unfortunately, in doing, I am also avoiding Him.  In being busy, I am trying to focus, but perhaps on the wrong things.  There is much 'to do' and concentrating on any one thing is hard....it is even more difficult to 'be still' and concentrate.

That short phrase, "Be still and know that I am God" is, as all of the bible, profound.  The 'being still' is the challenge for me.  Yet, without it, I miss the reward. 

Think about it.  When our heart and mind are still, it allows other knowledge to come.  As my walk in the park a few weeks ago proved, it is in being still that my knowledge of Him grew.  He met me there as I was being still. 

I had prayed that I would begin to KNOW Him.  His answer to me began soon after when a young nurse told me to go 'be still' for awhile.  She told me to leave while Bonnie had gone for a CT.  Bonnie was being well taken care of.  I was not needed there at that time.  Go, be still in the park for awhile.  He was teaching me that KNOWING Him comes from being still. 

This command is an answer to how we begin to know Him......be still.  A challenge?  Yes.  A lesson?  Yes.  Difficult?  Very.  Worthwhile?  Absolutely!

"Being still"

A dear friend from my childhood and high school years, who recently lost her precious son has been corresponding with me during this journey and now in my grief.  She says she does not have answers, but she has walked this path before me.  Her words have been so helpful.  Her heart is still broken yet she is still breathing.  Sometimes, I find the latter difficult.

I have always been someone who wanted to stay busy.  I've always had, or sought out, projects to do.  I've loved all things dirty, physical, hard, challenging.  Now, as Judy says, "matching socks is a challenge".  But, in my case, the 'projects' are screaming at me. 

Bonnie and I had not quite finished the kitchen remodel we began almost a year ago....a bit of paint here, a threshold there still remain.  The decks (over 2,000 sq ft) I built just before Bonnie's cancer diagnosis still have not been cleaned and stained.  The Dock trim needs to be painted.  The deck under the guest house awaits a 'skirt'.  The guest house itself needs to have the closet/kithenette finished.  These were all projects we were looking forward to finishing this fall/winter as Bonnie recovered.  Now, they stare at me.

By going to Shelley's and then to Texas, I've delayed the inevitable.  The house is a wreck.

Bonnie and I left for Nashville as if going to an emergency room...we were.  Then, the funeral and a multitude of out of town guests arrived bringing Fall leaves, mud and grass into the house, (and I am so appreciative of their doing so) not to mention that there are clothes (clean) and linens sitting on a bed waiting to be put away.  (We were moving, remember?) 

The boat is trashed after going to Lake Fork.  It needs to be cleaned and put back on its lift.  The Seadoo that is now on the lift needs to be removed, put on the trailer, winterized and put away.

There is a headstone to be picked out, internet banking to be set up and there are the doctor/hospital bills that must be researched and run to ground. 

Now, where are those socks that need to be matched?  Oh yeah, they are dirty because the washing machine died and the new one hasn't arrived just yet.  (Another project to set that up....better check on the shipping today.)

While I was at Lake Fork, our minister's wife texted me a note.  She closed by telling me to refer to psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God".  That does sound so sweet to me.  I believe this is good advice....just as Judy's latest letter to me said...."Be kind to yourself and gentle, too.  It's o.k. for now to just breath, stand, and take food."  Shelley tells me to "focus" and not be distracted by all there is to do.

These women are much wiser than this man.  I've always been the physical provider for my family.  I've been the one to make things happen both at home and in large companies/clients.  I still am wired for that, but the wiring is frayed.  It doesn't connect as it did.  The insulation is gone.  The protection is missing.  The current escapes. 

Bonnie was that for me.  She provided the spiritual insulation, the Christian protection, the peace that allowed me to GO.  With her gone, the inspiration for my energy is gone as well.

The Bible and God were her sources of peace, spirituality and protection.  She gave that to me.  Then, in the hospital, as Bonnie and her inspiration to me slipped away, God began to answer my prayers to make me KNOW Him!!! 

In my grief I have pushed His presence aside.  While crying my prayers to Him I have, at the same time, forgotten what He was showing me.  I need to "Be still and know that He is God."

Perhaps, when I can make myself 'be still', I will also come to grips with my loss.  Perhaps I will find the peace that Bonnie had and shared with me.  Perhaps I will find the insulation, the protection, the inspiration she received and so lovingly gave to me. 

I am, quite honestly, afraid to 'be still'.  Staying busy prevents me from facing my grief.  As I work on some of the projects today, I will try to think about what "being still" means. 

At some point, when I've worked on that a bit, I'll continue this posting.  "Being still"...."Knowing"....  That was what Bonnie was so wonderfully able to do.  I am still learning from her.  Prayerfully I always will be.  She had so much to share.

Wednesday November 10, 2010

I will endeavor to write truthfully and with as much disclosure about this journey as I can while understanding that there are some things about which I just cannot write.  Those are just too personal to share with everyone.  Please forgive me for that caveat.  My goals in writing this blog are:  To give God the glory and praise He so rightfully deserves, to share this walk so that someone, somewhere might benefit from my experiences with Bonnie and Him, and quite honestly, to help me to deal with Bonnie not being by my side.

This is the first time in my adult life that I am alone.  Bonnie and I were married when she was 18 and I was 20.  We lived our lives together until October 30, 2010.  Following Bonnie's funeral  and after spending a week with our daughter Shelley, son-in-law Ben and granddaughter Lexi, I returned to our cabin on the lake yesterday.

It was almost more than I could do to come into this cabin.  There are so many memories here.  So many good ones.  She is everywhere here, yet she is gone.  Tears flooded my face and I could not control the sobs.   I know where she is and that she is no longer suffering.  In fact, she is rejoicing with our God.  But, that does not take away the pain of my missing her.

My first order of business was to visit Bonnie's gravesite across the street from our "little church down the lane".  After clearing away the faded flowers, I spread grass seed on the area.  The new life will be waiting in a few weeks.  I looked out on the lake she loved and cried again.  To think that she will no longer join me for the boat rides we loved breaks my heart. 

Our neighbor John showed up just before dark.  We shared a glass of wine on the deck, toasted Bonnie and talked of her and the legacy she leaves.  Thank you John for your kind words, your caring and your being there for me last evening.

As I went to bed, the loneliness overwhelmed me again.  For 42 years she was always there beside me. 

This morning, I awoke asking God for help.  I sat in the den, looking out on the lake, waiting for the fog to clear.  Hobo sat beside me.  I reached out for Bonnie's bible.  I joked many times that it weighed twice what it should.....the ink she used in the margins making notes probably weighed as much as the paper.  I turned to a page that was noticeably worn on its edge.  (This bible has been with her for many, many years.  It has been rebound and she love it so.)  The page I opened to was Romans 15.  Verse 13 was underlined:  "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

As I touched those pages, as I flipped through Romans and read the underlined verses, Hope did begin to sprout.  A Peace settled in.  I felt her hands on those pages.  I felt her gentleness, love and compassion in her words written on the edges of each page.  I continued to explore just that one book and I saw who she was and began to understand why she was so loved by so many.  She left this for me.  She left it for Shelley, Ben and Lexi.  She left it for you too. 

Introduction

It has been exactly one week since the funeral of my beloved wife of 42 years.  Many of you have followed, on Caring Bridge, our journey over the past two years.  With her step into Heaven and the arms of our Lord, it did not seem appropriate to continue to post to Caring Bridge.  I have decided to continue to write of this journey here.

The little yellow pieces of paper will no longer appear on my desk.  Her unfailing love of God will be focused directly on Him now.  Going forward, I am sure these posts will be different than those on Caring Bridge although I know not how.   

My head tells me that with time the pain from her leaving me will lessen.  My heart is not so sure.  We had many happy years together, but the joy and laughter were not finished.  There were still plans yet to unfold.  There were memories yet to be made.  There was love yet to be shared. 

At this point,  I cannot think or plan more than a day or two at a time.  Our daughter, son-in-law and grandbaby have kept me busy in their home this week.  They have ensured that the lows are not quite so low as they would have otherwise been without them.  For that I am grateful. 

Our good friends from the "Beaver Bunch" are meeting me at Lake Fork Texas this weekend for several days of fishing and fellowship.  That will be a welcome change of pace as well.

Beyond that lies the future.  My honest and sincere description of how I look at that is fear.  While I know God has plans for me, human as I am, I cannot imagine what they will be.  I cannot imagine life without Bonnie.  I do not want to do so just yet.  For now, I am living moment to moment.  It is just too difficult to do otherwise.

In future posts I hope to describe some of the incredible things that occurred these past months, about which I have not written.   There are some things that are far too personal to be written here.  Somewhere along the way I hope to discern one from the other and share with you.  Perhaps Bonnie's legacy will continue through these posts.  Her kindness, her caring, her gentle ways, her love for God, and her praise of Him should live on.  Maybe, just maybe, through these posts, others can come to know Him through her.  That would make her very happy.