Changes....."getting back"

During the past several weeks, I've corresponded with a good friend from high school who lost her son.  Then, this week, I've started e-mailing another friend who lost his wife.  I found another good friend on FB who lost her husband.  He had been a friend of mine for almost 40 years. I hope to connect with her soon.  In addition, I am corresponding with another friend of over 30 years who lost her husband almost a year ago.  I hope to reconnect with another friend who lost his wife several years ago.

These people have gone through terrible grief and are still walking and talking.  There are times when I do not know if I can do that, so to talk to them is reassuring to me.

The friend who lost his wife described some things that made me think he had been in my head, the description of his grief is so similar.  One thing he told me was to "stay in the now".  That sounds like a strange thing if you have not been where we are walking. 

I've already described how to think or plan more than a day out is impossible for me.  Then, to think of the past won't work because I cannot get past the last six months of Bonnie's pain.  So, his advice, to 'stay in the now' makes perfect sense to me. 

I must learn to be content with the 'now'.  I can do that in most instances.  As long as I am busy, I can handle 'now'.  And, while it is a blessing to 'be still and know that He is God', it is almost more than I can do at any given time.  When I can, I do.  When I do, it is wonderful.

I never thought much about 'support groups' before.  I guess I've never needed one.  But, it is helping to contact folks who have walked this path before me....if for no other reason than to know I can continue to walk.....even when I really don't want to.

As this day proceeded, I kept busy.  Extremely busy.  Those who know me are saying "So what's new, different or a change in that?"  Not much actually.  I've always been that way. 

Today began with the installation of the new washing machine.  I've never been 'happy' to have a new one.  Today I was.  It has not stopped since about 10 this morning.  Following that minor victory, I went to the cemetery with Hobo.  I drove Bonnie's Rhino and took Hobo with me. 

As I went cross-country to the cemetery and drove up to Bonnie's grave, I imagined her smiling down.  She loved that Rhino and she always laughed at Hobo leaning through the seats, squinting in the wind as it blew his long ears back on his head. 

When we returned to the cabin I took Hobo to the dock with me.  I'm discovering how much preventive maintenance was ignored or overlooked these past six months.  I spent a couple of hours greasing boat lift pulleys, installing ties on the slip bumpers and draining the SeaRay's bilge.  At last the list was complete and, with the temps in the 70's and a light wind, I decided to take Hobo fishing. 

Again, you are asking, "What is different?" 

As I was running the bass boat across the lake to my favorite fishing hole I realized I did not need to worry about 'getting back' at any particular time.  For the past 42 years , when I went out, I was always expected back.  Or, most usually, I wanted to get back to tell Bonnie what I'd been up to or find out what she'd been doing.  Somehow, the 'getting back' was more important and exciting than what I was doing.  The 'getting back' was, after all was said and done, the goal.  It didn't matter whether the task was fishing, working, playing.  The "getting back" was what was most important to me.  Today, the 'getting back' was not important at all.