Duties

There are some things which must be done when someone you love makes their entrance into heaven.  These duties most likely befall the ones who love that person most.  I am working through those duties now.  The first flurry of those duties hit immediately after Bonnie's death.  Yesterday was, and today will be, filled with them. 

Yesterday Shelley, Lexi and I went to the funeral home to decide on a headstone.  Today Shelley and my sister Brenda will help me begin making our lake house into a home just for me.  (I'm not sure how long I sat here trying to decide what to type next.  Just thinking about what we will do today paralyzes me.) 

This morning I awoke before 5:00 AM and immediately began to think about the future.  That is not a good thing for me to do.  I've always been forward-focused.  Bonnie and I always had plans.  Now, to think past the next few minutes is overwhelming.  It is so because I cannot imagine 20 or more years without Bonnie beside me.  All of my plans have included her.  Every one.  How does one suddenly change that? 

Sometime along the way I began to bring my "plans" into a closer focus, thinking instead just about today and the duties it holds.  Can I do this?  Can I get through it?  Without Shelley and Brenda I know I could not.  Not now.  Perhaps not ever.

A few times in the last three weeks I've gone into our bedroom and just looked around.  Bonnie is, of course everywhere, as she is throughout this small cabin we were beginning to call home.  Her clothes are jammed into her closet and in her dresser.  They spill over to another dresser in a guest bedroom and are even in garbage bags stored in our guest house. 

We were, you see, in the process of moving from the "city house" when Bonnie's illness accelerated and we had not yet gotten our winter clothes put away and our summer clothes transitioned to storage.  Just looking at Bonnie's clothes destroyed the facade of bravery and control I try so hard to display.  Will I be able to put her possessions into boxes or give them away?  Even with my daughter and my sister here I'm not sure. 

I will try to not think about it and just go through the motions.  That is what has to be done.  That is what I did yesterday and what I did to plan her funeral. 

I also KNOW that Bonnie does not need these things any longer.  She is happy now, doing what she longed to do all of her life on this earth.  Her soul has thrown off the body that constrained it.  She is now free to praise God full time with no limits.  She is, I know, in the front row (if they have rows in Heaven) singing and praising Him.  She can now see Him clearly.  What joy that brings her, I KNOW.

The knowledge that Bonnie has made that transition to eternity with our God fills me with gladness.  It is her absence from my side that breaks my heart.  It is not for her that I mourn.  I rejoice for her, I just miss her presence here. 

In all that I do, I should aim for Heaven...that was what I wrote yesterday.  Can I do that today?  As the sun tries to break through the clouds this morning and the lake outside becomes a brighter shade of gray I think that perhaps I can get through this day.  Not because I am strong...far from it.  But, because God put four wonderful women in my life to help me. 

Bonnie:  Because of the way she lived her life and the example she set for me. 
Shelley:  Because she is her mother's daughter and is strong enough to lift me. 
Brenda:  Because she won't leave her 'little brother' to get through this alone. 
Lexi:  Because how can you be sad with the happiest baby I've ever seen in the room?

Bonnie aimed at Heaven.  She hit her mark.  The legacy she leaves includes the ability to help those she left behind for awhile.  What a wonderful gift she gave us.  Knowing that she is doing what she worked all of her life to do clears away the pain from my heart for today. 

If we have people we love, perhaps we should aim for heaven too?!  If not for ourselves, then for them.  When we know Jesus, it changes things.  Today will be different than it could have been because Bonnie knows Jesus, and because of her, so do I.