I will endeavor to write truthfully and with as much disclosure about this journey as I can while understanding that there are some things about which I just cannot write. Those are just too personal to share with everyone. Please forgive me for that caveat. My goals in writing this blog are: To give God the glory and praise He so rightfully deserves, to share this walk so that someone, somewhere might benefit from my experiences with Bonnie and Him, and quite honestly, to help me to deal with Bonnie not being by my side.
This is the first time in my adult life that I am alone. Bonnie and I were married when she was 18 and I was 20. We lived our lives together until October 30, 2010. Following Bonnie's funeral and after spending a week with our daughter Shelley, son-in-law Ben and granddaughter Lexi, I returned to our cabin on the lake yesterday.
It was almost more than I could do to come into this cabin. There are so many memories here. So many good ones. She is everywhere here, yet she is gone. Tears flooded my face and I could not control the sobs. I know where she is and that she is no longer suffering. In fact, she is rejoicing with our God. But, that does not take away the pain of my missing her.
My first order of business was to visit Bonnie's gravesite across the street from our "little church down the lane". After clearing away the faded flowers, I spread grass seed on the area. The new life will be waiting in a few weeks. I looked out on the lake she loved and cried again. To think that she will no longer join me for the boat rides we loved breaks my heart.
Our neighbor John showed up just before dark. We shared a glass of wine on the deck, toasted Bonnie and talked of her and the legacy she leaves. Thank you John for your kind words, your caring and your being there for me last evening.
As I went to bed, the loneliness overwhelmed me again. For 42 years she was always there beside me.
This morning, I awoke asking God for help. I sat in the den, looking out on the lake, waiting for the fog to clear. Hobo sat beside me. I reached out for Bonnie's bible. I joked many times that it weighed twice what it should.....the ink she used in the margins making notes probably weighed as much as the paper. I turned to a page that was noticeably worn on its edge. (This bible has been with her for many, many years. It has been rebound and she love it so.) The page I opened to was Romans 15. Verse 13 was underlined: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
As I touched those pages, as I flipped through Romans and read the underlined verses, Hope did begin to sprout. A Peace settled in. I felt her hands on those pages. I felt her gentleness, love and compassion in her words written on the edges of each page. I continued to explore just that one book and I saw who she was and began to understand why she was so loved by so many. She left this for me. She left it for Shelley, Ben and Lexi. She left it for you too.
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