"Being still"

A dear friend from my childhood and high school years, who recently lost her precious son has been corresponding with me during this journey and now in my grief.  She says she does not have answers, but she has walked this path before me.  Her words have been so helpful.  Her heart is still broken yet she is still breathing.  Sometimes, I find the latter difficult.

I have always been someone who wanted to stay busy.  I've always had, or sought out, projects to do.  I've loved all things dirty, physical, hard, challenging.  Now, as Judy says, "matching socks is a challenge".  But, in my case, the 'projects' are screaming at me. 

Bonnie and I had not quite finished the kitchen remodel we began almost a year ago....a bit of paint here, a threshold there still remain.  The decks (over 2,000 sq ft) I built just before Bonnie's cancer diagnosis still have not been cleaned and stained.  The Dock trim needs to be painted.  The deck under the guest house awaits a 'skirt'.  The guest house itself needs to have the closet/kithenette finished.  These were all projects we were looking forward to finishing this fall/winter as Bonnie recovered.  Now, they stare at me.

By going to Shelley's and then to Texas, I've delayed the inevitable.  The house is a wreck.

Bonnie and I left for Nashville as if going to an emergency room...we were.  Then, the funeral and a multitude of out of town guests arrived bringing Fall leaves, mud and grass into the house, (and I am so appreciative of their doing so) not to mention that there are clothes (clean) and linens sitting on a bed waiting to be put away.  (We were moving, remember?) 

The boat is trashed after going to Lake Fork.  It needs to be cleaned and put back on its lift.  The Seadoo that is now on the lift needs to be removed, put on the trailer, winterized and put away.

There is a headstone to be picked out, internet banking to be set up and there are the doctor/hospital bills that must be researched and run to ground. 

Now, where are those socks that need to be matched?  Oh yeah, they are dirty because the washing machine died and the new one hasn't arrived just yet.  (Another project to set that up....better check on the shipping today.)

While I was at Lake Fork, our minister's wife texted me a note.  She closed by telling me to refer to psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God".  That does sound so sweet to me.  I believe this is good advice....just as Judy's latest letter to me said...."Be kind to yourself and gentle, too.  It's o.k. for now to just breath, stand, and take food."  Shelley tells me to "focus" and not be distracted by all there is to do.

These women are much wiser than this man.  I've always been the physical provider for my family.  I've been the one to make things happen both at home and in large companies/clients.  I still am wired for that, but the wiring is frayed.  It doesn't connect as it did.  The insulation is gone.  The protection is missing.  The current escapes. 

Bonnie was that for me.  She provided the spiritual insulation, the Christian protection, the peace that allowed me to GO.  With her gone, the inspiration for my energy is gone as well.

The Bible and God were her sources of peace, spirituality and protection.  She gave that to me.  Then, in the hospital, as Bonnie and her inspiration to me slipped away, God began to answer my prayers to make me KNOW Him!!! 

In my grief I have pushed His presence aside.  While crying my prayers to Him I have, at the same time, forgotten what He was showing me.  I need to "Be still and know that He is God."

Perhaps, when I can make myself 'be still', I will also come to grips with my loss.  Perhaps I will find the peace that Bonnie had and shared with me.  Perhaps I will find the insulation, the protection, the inspiration she received and so lovingly gave to me. 

I am, quite honestly, afraid to 'be still'.  Staying busy prevents me from facing my grief.  As I work on some of the projects today, I will try to think about what "being still" means. 

At some point, when I've worked on that a bit, I'll continue this posting.  "Being still"...."Knowing"....  That was what Bonnie was so wonderfully able to do.  I am still learning from her.  Prayerfully I always will be.  She had so much to share.