"Death died when Christ arose." That quote is perfectly included in today's devotional from "At His Feet". You remember the one. The little leather-bound book that Bonnie gave me two Christmases ago. Somehow she knew I was going to need it. As usual, she was right.
If you've followed our CaringBridge site, and now this blog, you already know that I do not believe in coincidences in the Kingdom. Today is another of those non-coincidences.
As many of you will recognize, today marks five months since Bonnie took her step into Heaven. I've dreaded this day for a month now. Those of us who have lost loved-ones understand that firsts, anniversaries, holidays, birthdays all come to have special significance. As soon as one is over, another one looms. For me......for now... these days are something to get through, not celebrate. I've been concerned about getting through this day for a month.
Then, I turned the page to March 30 in the devotional. This particular devotional is one that spells out how I get through each day. It spells out why there are limits to my grief. It reveals why it is so very important for us to take every opportunity to witness to people about our Lord Jesus Christ. It is why, quite honestly, I write about this "Journey".
"The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise." Mark 9:31. "He is not here; He has risen, just as he said." Matthew 28:6. You either believe this or not. To paraphrase the devotional: To those who do not believe it and have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, death is the end. Period. For those of us who do believe it and have accepted Him as our Lord and Savior, Jesus removes the period. With Him, we have everlasting life.
So, when I go on my daily walks with Hobo and we go into the cemetery, I am not going to where Bonnie is buried. I am going to remember her as she was here and to give thanks for where she is and what she is experiencing now. Jesus put a limit to my grief. He removed the period.
In the midst of my sorrow at not having her beside me, He gave me the knowledge that He is in control and that Bonnie is with Him.
Please allow me to quote directly from the devotional: "The promise of this (Jesus') resurrection is astounding. Every privilege of the risen Jesus, in all of His glory is offered to us to partake in. It is the reality of the eternal promises of God. In His resurrection He intercedes for us at the right hand of God (Hebrews 7:25); He lives in us (John 14:20, Galatians 2:20); and He exercises all authority in heaven and on earth (Matthew 28:18). Not only is he exalted, but we are seated with Him in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6); we are fellow heirs of His inheritance (Romans 8:17) and we have eternal life (John 6:40).
"These are magnificent and astonishing truths. We could spend a lifetime - make that an eternity - letting them sink in."
Can you imagine? Can you even begin to imagine? If you believe and trust in Him, you will have all eternity to do so. That is what Bonnie knew. That is how she lived. She said many times that she was not afraid to die. I believe her....she wasn't. These promises are why. She is partaking of all those promises now. For that knowledge, I am so very thankful.
This knowledge does not make my loneliness go away. It does not make me miss her any less. To say it does would be a lie. My grief at her going is perhaps less intense than it was, but it is still ever-present and heavy on my heart. What this knowledge does is to put a limit on my grief. It gives me something to which to aspire....something to look forward to...something worth far more than anything this earth has to offer. The period is gone.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Twists and Turns
A journey can take many forms, twists and turns. I would never have expected my life's journey to put me where I am, doing what I am doing, at this point in my life. But, perhaps my journey to this point has uniquely prepared me for something that may unfold. The following paragraphs will explain this, but before I start to explain, I want to ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I might know God's will in this and that His will be done.
Many of you attended Bonnie's funeral, and for that I am very thankful. Most of you probably assumed the cemetery where she is buried, and where I will be as well, is owned and maintained by the little Church across the lane, where the services were held. This is not the case.
The cemetery is considered a 'community cemetery' in Alabama. To date, we have been unable to establish legal ownership.
This part of the country is steeped in history to include acquisition of land from Native Americans, the Civil War and the inundation of Riverton when Pickwick lake was formed. In the late 1700's and early 1800's the land was being acquired from the Native Americans. A town named Riverton (by two other names) was formed. The cemetery was a part of that town. The town was a part of Franklin County. During, or shortly after the Civil War, the courthouse for the county was burned, destroying all records of land ownership. The town of Riverton later became part of Colbert County. Then, in the late 1930's TVA flooded this area when Pickwick Lake was formed. The town of Riverton was no more and the cemetery presumably escheated to the county although that is not proven at this time. The cemetery has, over time, been abandoned and then reclaimed/maintained by a local family.
The church across the lane from the Cemetery is Riverton Church. It is where Bonnie and I were members and it intended to take on the maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery.
Following Bonnie's funeral, I became concerned for the 'perpetual' protection, improvement, maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery. I have been investigating the formation of a Foundation to acquire ownership of the cemetery. When the ownership has been established, the Foundation will raise funds to protect and improve the cemetery.
At this point, the members of the church have been extremely helpful in this endeavor. We have had two work parties in which we've cleared brush from the border of the cemetery. This week we were able to find the five border stakes from a previous survey, thus establishing the legal boundaries of the cemetery.
The clearing work has disclosed a beautiful, peaceful and historic place of rest. I've found graves from as early as 1849 and perhaps one from 1829. There are veterans from virtually every war the US has fought from the Civil War to present. It is a place worth preserving.
One of our first projects, following establishment of the Foundation and ownership of the land, is to conduct a ground radar survey of the property. There are unmarked graves in the cemetery and we want to do everything we can to identify and honor the memory of those buried there. Another of our projects will be to pave the access road into the cemetery. There are many other improvements that will keep us busy for a very long time but they will be worth it to the families of those buried there and to this community in general.
So, at this point, at this time, the journey is continuing in what appears to be a very positive direction.
I ask you to pray for us to understand God's will in this and for His will to be done. I believe that people will be excited about these developments and that the community will support our plans. But more importantly, I pray that these plans will, in some way, support God's plans and His will. I pray that through these efforts someone somehow will come to know Him. If that can be the case, then all the work will be worthwhile.
Many of you attended Bonnie's funeral, and for that I am very thankful. Most of you probably assumed the cemetery where she is buried, and where I will be as well, is owned and maintained by the little Church across the lane, where the services were held. This is not the case.
The cemetery is considered a 'community cemetery' in Alabama. To date, we have been unable to establish legal ownership.
This part of the country is steeped in history to include acquisition of land from Native Americans, the Civil War and the inundation of Riverton when Pickwick lake was formed. In the late 1700's and early 1800's the land was being acquired from the Native Americans. A town named Riverton (by two other names) was formed. The cemetery was a part of that town. The town was a part of Franklin County. During, or shortly after the Civil War, the courthouse for the county was burned, destroying all records of land ownership. The town of Riverton later became part of Colbert County. Then, in the late 1930's TVA flooded this area when Pickwick Lake was formed. The town of Riverton was no more and the cemetery presumably escheated to the county although that is not proven at this time. The cemetery has, over time, been abandoned and then reclaimed/maintained by a local family.
The church across the lane from the Cemetery is Riverton Church. It is where Bonnie and I were members and it intended to take on the maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery.
Following Bonnie's funeral, I became concerned for the 'perpetual' protection, improvement, maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery. I have been investigating the formation of a Foundation to acquire ownership of the cemetery. When the ownership has been established, the Foundation will raise funds to protect and improve the cemetery.
At this point, the members of the church have been extremely helpful in this endeavor. We have had two work parties in which we've cleared brush from the border of the cemetery. This week we were able to find the five border stakes from a previous survey, thus establishing the legal boundaries of the cemetery.
The clearing work has disclosed a beautiful, peaceful and historic place of rest. I've found graves from as early as 1849 and perhaps one from 1829. There are veterans from virtually every war the US has fought from the Civil War to present. It is a place worth preserving.
One of our first projects, following establishment of the Foundation and ownership of the land, is to conduct a ground radar survey of the property. There are unmarked graves in the cemetery and we want to do everything we can to identify and honor the memory of those buried there. Another of our projects will be to pave the access road into the cemetery. There are many other improvements that will keep us busy for a very long time but they will be worth it to the families of those buried there and to this community in general.
So, at this point, at this time, the journey is continuing in what appears to be a very positive direction.
I ask you to pray for us to understand God's will in this and for His will to be done. I believe that people will be excited about these developments and that the community will support our plans. But more importantly, I pray that these plans will, in some way, support God's plans and His will. I pray that through these efforts someone somehow will come to know Him. If that can be the case, then all the work will be worthwhile.
Monday, March 21, 2011
One more page.
Daily devotionals are, by definition, daily. They are sort of like soap operas...we'll not really, but you get the point that what you read today may be upstaged tomorrow. That happened to me this morning. I turned the page in the devotional to read another "Your will be done...". This one explained things in an entirely different and oh so meaningful way.
This described a call to battle!! God against evil. HIS will against Satan's. Now that is a side I can take!!!
I was reminded of a church in Memphis called New Life Baptist Church on Orchi Street. It is situated in "gang central" of that city. When you drive to it, you tend to slide down in your seat. But, when you arrive, it is as if you've come to an oasis. God has touched this place. His will is evident. Where His will touches this earth, Satan flees.
There are houses of prostitution and crack houses within a stone's throw of this place. They were closer, but the church has taken back territory for God, one lot, one house, one heart at a time. This is God's will versus Satan's at work. It is a call to battle and it is His to win.
There is a new park being developed across the street. It will be a place for children to play safely where once drugs were dealt. It will be a place for homeless people to worship outside in a pavilion until they are comfortable worshipping inside the chapel. It will be a place where they can have a meal and receive everlasting food as well. This is God's will for all mankind.
This is not an easy battle that New Life is fighting. They are outnumbered on the streets, but they are fighting God's fight. Who do you think is winning?
So when you pray "Your will be done" remember that this is a call to battle, not a wishy-washy way of saying "I don't know what else to pray". That is a strong, eloquent, personal way of saying you are on HIS side in this.
Bonnie and I have been honored to see this church in action. We were awed and humbled by what is being done there. This is God's will in action. I believe they are shaking the gates of Hell with their work....His work.
So, today, one more page was turned in the little devotional book Bonnie gave me two Christmases ago. Today, through her gift to me, she explained another of God's lessons.
This described a call to battle!! God against evil. HIS will against Satan's. Now that is a side I can take!!!
I was reminded of a church in Memphis called New Life Baptist Church on Orchi Street. It is situated in "gang central" of that city. When you drive to it, you tend to slide down in your seat. But, when you arrive, it is as if you've come to an oasis. God has touched this place. His will is evident. Where His will touches this earth, Satan flees.
There are houses of prostitution and crack houses within a stone's throw of this place. They were closer, but the church has taken back territory for God, one lot, one house, one heart at a time. This is God's will versus Satan's at work. It is a call to battle and it is His to win.
There is a new park being developed across the street. It will be a place for children to play safely where once drugs were dealt. It will be a place for homeless people to worship outside in a pavilion until they are comfortable worshipping inside the chapel. It will be a place where they can have a meal and receive everlasting food as well. This is God's will for all mankind.
This is not an easy battle that New Life is fighting. They are outnumbered on the streets, but they are fighting God's fight. Who do you think is winning?
So when you pray "Your will be done" remember that this is a call to battle, not a wishy-washy way of saying "I don't know what else to pray". That is a strong, eloquent, personal way of saying you are on HIS side in this.
Bonnie and I have been honored to see this church in action. We were awed and humbled by what is being done there. This is God's will in action. I believe they are shaking the gates of Hell with their work....His work.
So, today, one more page was turned in the little devotional book Bonnie gave me two Christmases ago. Today, through her gift to me, she explained another of God's lessons.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Your will be done..........
This has been the busiest week I've spent in the past five months. I have both appreciated the diversions, yet longed to return to the solitude of the lake and the closeness it gives me to Bonnie's memory. That seems to be the story at this point.....contradictions.
Yesterday's weather was beautiful here. My nephew Dan had come the day before to test his boat and begin preparing it for summer. We went fishing in the morning on Saturday before he had to return home. Then, in the afternoon, a number of church members joined me in a work party to continue clearing brush from the boundary of the cemetery. Our cemetery is a historic, peaceful and beautiful place. It holds many possibilities as we consider its protection and improvement.
These activities kept my mind and my hands busy most of the day. It is a blessing to have those diversions. It does not mean that Bonnie's memory is fading. Seldom does an hour go by that she is not on my mind. Her leaving this earth has left a hole in my heart, which cannot be filled, regardless of the time or thoughts that run through it.
This morning, as I sat on the deck overlooking the lake, doing bible study and drinking coffee, the subject of the devotional was praying for God's will while at the same time praying for ours. Are they in synch? If not, why? There are those who believe that we should pray for healing and that when we do, it will come if we believe strongly enough and pray hard enough. There are those who believe we should instead pray for God's will to be done in any circumstance. Are these two approaches contradictory? Can they be in synch?
I know that I prayed as hard as I possibly could for Bonnie's health to be restored. I also prayed for God's will to be done. I believe that God could have restored Bonnie to perfect health in an instant. I also believe that I do not have the knowledge nor the ability to understand the mind of God and His eternal perspective and plan. I do believe that He loves us more than we love ourselves. I also believe that because of his love, power and knowledge, I can depend upon His overall plan to unfold exactly as it should. I would not pray that my desire to live with Bonnie and her with me for the next 20 or so years go against His plan or will.
What I also prayed for during those dark and difficult days...and what I continue to pray...is that I can accept this outcome without bitterness toward God. Bitterness could easily come if I did not believe that the eternal plan is for our good. I have absolutely, positively no clue how this will come to pass. I'm not able to grasp that while my feet are walking on this earth. But, I do believe that when it is time for me to take my step into heaven this too will be revealed.
These beliefs do not shorten the hours, days, weeks months and years I have on this earth. They do not lessen the pain I feel nor the loneliness brought by Bonnie's absence. I do know, however, that compared to eternity and compared to the ultimate unfolding of His plan, my days on this earth and my sorrow are but an instant and insignificant.
Therefore, I will continue to pray "Your will be done......."
Yesterday's weather was beautiful here. My nephew Dan had come the day before to test his boat and begin preparing it for summer. We went fishing in the morning on Saturday before he had to return home. Then, in the afternoon, a number of church members joined me in a work party to continue clearing brush from the boundary of the cemetery. Our cemetery is a historic, peaceful and beautiful place. It holds many possibilities as we consider its protection and improvement.
These activities kept my mind and my hands busy most of the day. It is a blessing to have those diversions. It does not mean that Bonnie's memory is fading. Seldom does an hour go by that she is not on my mind. Her leaving this earth has left a hole in my heart, which cannot be filled, regardless of the time or thoughts that run through it.
This morning, as I sat on the deck overlooking the lake, doing bible study and drinking coffee, the subject of the devotional was praying for God's will while at the same time praying for ours. Are they in synch? If not, why? There are those who believe that we should pray for healing and that when we do, it will come if we believe strongly enough and pray hard enough. There are those who believe we should instead pray for God's will to be done in any circumstance. Are these two approaches contradictory? Can they be in synch?
I know that I prayed as hard as I possibly could for Bonnie's health to be restored. I also prayed for God's will to be done. I believe that God could have restored Bonnie to perfect health in an instant. I also believe that I do not have the knowledge nor the ability to understand the mind of God and His eternal perspective and plan. I do believe that He loves us more than we love ourselves. I also believe that because of his love, power and knowledge, I can depend upon His overall plan to unfold exactly as it should. I would not pray that my desire to live with Bonnie and her with me for the next 20 or so years go against His plan or will.
What I also prayed for during those dark and difficult days...and what I continue to pray...is that I can accept this outcome without bitterness toward God. Bitterness could easily come if I did not believe that the eternal plan is for our good. I have absolutely, positively no clue how this will come to pass. I'm not able to grasp that while my feet are walking on this earth. But, I do believe that when it is time for me to take my step into heaven this too will be revealed.
These beliefs do not shorten the hours, days, weeks months and years I have on this earth. They do not lessen the pain I feel nor the loneliness brought by Bonnie's absence. I do know, however, that compared to eternity and compared to the ultimate unfolding of His plan, my days on this earth and my sorrow are but an instant and insignificant.
Therefore, I will continue to pray "Your will be done......."
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Telephone Poles
Sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to know what to share on this site.
This week marked an event that was fun, difficult, significant and yet not so. To most who read this post it would be nothing significant. To me, three years ago it would not have been. Today, to me, looking back, the past six days have been another milestone.
Six days ago I embarked, with Hobo in the back of the Jeep along with at least a ton of hand and bench woodworking tools, to Mobile Alabama. Good friends of many years have retired there and moved into a lovely new home on Rabbit Creek, just off Mobile Bay. They'd invited me to be their first guest in their wonderful new home.
Awhile back, Bonnie and I had joyfully offered to help them move in. We'd been excited for them and were looking forward to sharing that meaningful event. Who could have known that our plans would not unfold as we'd thought they would? Who could have guessed that I'd share the event with Mike and Gail without Bonnie?
For the past five months I've been pushing the edge of an envelope that to most would seem insignificant. To me, just a short while ago, it would have been insignificant as well. It has been extremely difficult for me to be away from this little cabin by the lake. I could easily stay here; never leaving; becoming a hermit.
Bonnie would not want that. I joked with her friend Virginia the other evening that Bonnie might meet us at the gate to heaven in a mood we wouldn't appreciate if we allowed our grief to overcome us.
I've been intentionally doing things that have been unbelievably difficult in order to live up to what Bonnie would expect of me. This week was one of those times.
Six days, five nights. A new record.
I went to Mobile, helped my friends build a "banquette" in their new home, and pushed the edge of an envelope. Six days, five nights. A record. An accomplishment. A milestone.
Tonight, I am exhausted. I'm spent. Done. But, I pray to our only God, that Bonnie is smiling. I pray that she is glad that I am pushing that envelope. I seem to have done so all my life and she was the main reason I would not give up when others might have. She is the reason I put one foot in front of the other now. I continue to breathe. I keep walking.
That is what she wants. I know that. We discussed it. We were able to do that because of our love for one another.
What is next? Seven days? Six nights? Just another step? Another telephone pole?
Last year the next telephone pole was Bonnie's goal in gaining strength. This year, another day away from this little cabin by the lake is my goal....not that I want to be away.....but Bonnie worked so hard for that next telephone pole, can I do anything less?
This week marked an event that was fun, difficult, significant and yet not so. To most who read this post it would be nothing significant. To me, three years ago it would not have been. Today, to me, looking back, the past six days have been another milestone.
Six days ago I embarked, with Hobo in the back of the Jeep along with at least a ton of hand and bench woodworking tools, to Mobile Alabama. Good friends of many years have retired there and moved into a lovely new home on Rabbit Creek, just off Mobile Bay. They'd invited me to be their first guest in their wonderful new home.
Awhile back, Bonnie and I had joyfully offered to help them move in. We'd been excited for them and were looking forward to sharing that meaningful event. Who could have known that our plans would not unfold as we'd thought they would? Who could have guessed that I'd share the event with Mike and Gail without Bonnie?
For the past five months I've been pushing the edge of an envelope that to most would seem insignificant. To me, just a short while ago, it would have been insignificant as well. It has been extremely difficult for me to be away from this little cabin by the lake. I could easily stay here; never leaving; becoming a hermit.
Bonnie would not want that. I joked with her friend Virginia the other evening that Bonnie might meet us at the gate to heaven in a mood we wouldn't appreciate if we allowed our grief to overcome us.
I've been intentionally doing things that have been unbelievably difficult in order to live up to what Bonnie would expect of me. This week was one of those times.
Six days, five nights. A new record.
I went to Mobile, helped my friends build a "banquette" in their new home, and pushed the edge of an envelope. Six days, five nights. A record. An accomplishment. A milestone.
Tonight, I am exhausted. I'm spent. Done. But, I pray to our only God, that Bonnie is smiling. I pray that she is glad that I am pushing that envelope. I seem to have done so all my life and she was the main reason I would not give up when others might have. She is the reason I put one foot in front of the other now. I continue to breathe. I keep walking.
That is what she wants. I know that. We discussed it. We were able to do that because of our love for one another.
What is next? Seven days? Six nights? Just another step? Another telephone pole?
Last year the next telephone pole was Bonnie's goal in gaining strength. This year, another day away from this little cabin by the lake is my goal....not that I want to be away.....but Bonnie worked so hard for that next telephone pole, can I do anything less?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm here, Karen
Yesterday marked another milestone; another first; another time when grief took on an entirely new dimension. Yesterday was my 63rd birthday. This was the first birthday since I was 19 that Bonnie was not a part.
I was blessed in that there was much activity to distract me. My friend Stan was here. There were half dozen workers here as well; repairing the beachfront rip rap. There was much to keep my mind occupied. But, even through the clatter of trackhoes and dump trucks the dark edges attempted to creep toward center stage. There is just no way that the absence of the major person in your life will go unnoticed. While we never did anything particularly special on our birthdays, neither of us ever missed recognizing the others birthday.
We were like that, Bonnie and I. We weren't ones to go overboard on special occasions. We just acknowledged our love for one another and moved on. What better birthday present than to know your spouse loves you with all her heart? I always knew Bonnie loved me. I pray she always knew I loved her. We were like that.....we just lived and loved. Always,.
Today, I happened to open my e-mail. In the busy-ness of yesterday, I had not done so. There was an e-mail from a good friend of many years. Karen gave me the sad news that her husband of a lifetime had taken his step into heaven. He'd done so on my birthday. At the very time I was struggling with a first in my life, she was struggling with the loss of her lifelong spouse and my friend Bob.
Bob was an ordained minister. He was a fellow elder in our church in Memphis. He was, well a dear friend. He and Karen had moved away several years ago. Bonnie and I missed our Friday evening dinners with Karen and Bob. We'd kept in touch. We'd been close and the miles did not diminish that closeness.
I have a feeling that Bonnie was at the gate to welcome Bob into their new home. What a smile he must have had to see her standing there to welcome him with open arms. Her first dear friend to join her. There will be many more, but Bob was the first.
Karen and I are left on this earth while Bonnie and Bob are with our Lord.
I pray that somehow, and in some way, I can help Karen with her journey. The steps that she will be taking in the coming days are so very, very difficult. She and I will never get over our loss. However, with God's help, we will get through it. While I am so very saddened to have her in this 'club' I find myself in, I am confident that God will carry her, as He has me.
Karen, I am sure that Bonnie closed many telephone calls in this way, but I want to take this time to tell you:
"I love you my friend". If you need anything, you call me....anytime....day or night. I'm here, as is our Lord.
I was blessed in that there was much activity to distract me. My friend Stan was here. There were half dozen workers here as well; repairing the beachfront rip rap. There was much to keep my mind occupied. But, even through the clatter of trackhoes and dump trucks the dark edges attempted to creep toward center stage. There is just no way that the absence of the major person in your life will go unnoticed. While we never did anything particularly special on our birthdays, neither of us ever missed recognizing the others birthday.
We were like that, Bonnie and I. We weren't ones to go overboard on special occasions. We just acknowledged our love for one another and moved on. What better birthday present than to know your spouse loves you with all her heart? I always knew Bonnie loved me. I pray she always knew I loved her. We were like that.....we just lived and loved. Always,.
Today, I happened to open my e-mail. In the busy-ness of yesterday, I had not done so. There was an e-mail from a good friend of many years. Karen gave me the sad news that her husband of a lifetime had taken his step into heaven. He'd done so on my birthday. At the very time I was struggling with a first in my life, she was struggling with the loss of her lifelong spouse and my friend Bob.
Bob was an ordained minister. He was a fellow elder in our church in Memphis. He was, well a dear friend. He and Karen had moved away several years ago. Bonnie and I missed our Friday evening dinners with Karen and Bob. We'd kept in touch. We'd been close and the miles did not diminish that closeness.
I have a feeling that Bonnie was at the gate to welcome Bob into their new home. What a smile he must have had to see her standing there to welcome him with open arms. Her first dear friend to join her. There will be many more, but Bob was the first.
Karen and I are left on this earth while Bonnie and Bob are with our Lord.
I pray that somehow, and in some way, I can help Karen with her journey. The steps that she will be taking in the coming days are so very, very difficult. She and I will never get over our loss. However, with God's help, we will get through it. While I am so very saddened to have her in this 'club' I find myself in, I am confident that God will carry her, as He has me.
Karen, I am sure that Bonnie closed many telephone calls in this way, but I want to take this time to tell you:
"I love you my friend". If you need anything, you call me....anytime....day or night. I'm here, as is our Lord.
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