Your will be done..........

This has been the busiest week I've spent in the past five months.  I have both appreciated the diversions, yet longed to return to the solitude of the lake and the closeness it gives me to Bonnie's memory.  That seems to be the story at this point.....contradictions.

Yesterday's weather was beautiful here.  My nephew Dan had come the day before to test his boat and begin preparing it for summer.  We went fishing in the morning on Saturday before he had to return home.  Then, in the afternoon, a number of church members joined me in a work party to continue clearing brush from the boundary of the cemetery.  Our cemetery is a historic, peaceful and beautiful place.  It holds many possibilities as we consider its protection and improvement. 

These activities kept my mind and my hands busy most of the day.  It is a blessing to have those diversions.  It does not mean that Bonnie's memory is fading.  Seldom does an hour go by that she is not on my mind.  Her leaving this earth has left a hole in my heart, which cannot be filled, regardless of the time or thoughts that run through it.

This morning, as I sat on the deck overlooking the lake, doing bible study and drinking coffee, the subject of the devotional was praying for God's will while at the same time praying for ours. Are they in synch?  If not, why?  There are those who believe that we should pray for healing and that when we do, it will come if we believe strongly enough and pray hard enough.  There are those who believe we should instead pray for God's will to be done in any circumstance.  Are these two approaches contradictory?  Can they be in synch?

I know that I prayed as hard as I possibly could for Bonnie's health to be restored.  I also prayed for God's will to be done.  I believe that God could have restored Bonnie to perfect health in an instant.  I also believe that I do not have the knowledge nor the ability to understand the mind of God and His eternal perspective and plan.  I do believe that He loves us more than we love ourselves.  I also believe that because of his love, power and knowledge, I can depend upon His overall plan to unfold exactly as it should.  I would not pray that my desire to live with Bonnie and her with me for the next 20 or so years go against His plan or will.

What I also prayed for during those dark and difficult days...and what I continue to pray...is that I can accept this outcome without bitterness toward God.  Bitterness could easily come if I did not believe that the eternal plan is for our good.  I have absolutely, positively no clue how this will come to pass.  I'm not able to grasp that while my feet are walking on this earth.  But, I do believe that when it is time for me to take my step into heaven this too will be revealed. 

These beliefs do not shorten the hours, days, weeks months and years I have on this earth.  They do not lessen the pain I feel nor the loneliness brought by Bonnie's absence.  I do know, however, that compared to eternity and compared to the ultimate unfolding of His plan, my days on this earth and my sorrow are but an instant and insignificant.

Therefore, I will continue to pray "Your will be done......."