"Firsts"

One of my friends, who lost her husband almost exactly a year ago reminded me about 'firsts'.  'Firsts' are times you took for granted...things you did with your loved one....things that will be experienced again, but without them.  The first time you do that without your loved one is a 'first'.  They are difficult, excruciating, and unfortunately necessary.

Today was a 'first' for me.  This was a Sunday morning.  On Sundays, Bonnie and I were privileged to go to church.  We enjoyed praising our Lord.  We loved giving Him glory.  Today, was my 'first' time in Sunday School and Church without Bonnie by my side. 

Bonnie loved to teach Sunday School.  She was in her element doing so.  She thought that teaching the bible was the very, very best thing.  This morning was the first time I'd been to Sunday School without her.  

When the teacher asked us to share things for which we were thankful, I did not answer her.  I wanted to so badly.  I wanted to scream things for which I am thankful, but I held back.  Why?  Because I could not speak without crying.  I knew that and I stayed silent. 

Then, at the end of the class Mary Jane asked me to close the class with a prayer.  Whew.  I began by telling her I would be glad to do so, but I didn't know if I could get through it.  With God's help, Bonnie's help and a very shaky, tearful voice I did get it done.  

Thankful....yes.  For the church, for 42 years with someone like Bonnie, for friends who loved her - and me - for a God who would give his Son to save someone like me.  Thankful....you bet.

Then, to Church.  I sat in the same row we always sat.  I sat in the same seat I always sat.  I found that I naturally put my left arm on the back of the seat where I always found myself cradling Bonnie during the service.  During the past two years, we invariably found ourselves sitting so close to one another that we really only needed one seat.  The only difference today was that Bonnie was no longer next to me. 

I know she was in Heaven.  I know she was praising God face-to-face and full-time.  But, I sure did miss her next to me.

'Firsts' are tough. 

This is the point in my writing where I really miss Bonnie's little yellow pieces of paper.  This is where, last year, I would have put one of the bible verses that were on Bonnie's heart. 

But tonight, I will share something with you that I have only told a few people.

Get out your bible and read the 23rd Psalm.  You will recognize it.  You can probably recite it.

In the Intensive Care Unit, a few days before Bonnie crossed into Heaven, her breathing was very labored.  She was in distress.   She could not make herself breathe properly.

We were fearful of sedating Bonnie at that point, because we were not sure we could bring her back if we did.  We did not have a diagnosis and we were holding out hope that there could be a solution. 

Bonnie's heart rate was above 90 and her breathing rate was above 40.  She was literally wearing herself out trying to breathe.  I sat on the bed beside her and took out her bible.  I opened it to the 23rd Psalm and began to read to her.  I read it over and over and over and over. 

I looked up at the monitors and the readings began to fall.  Hearing those familiar words soothed her as if she were being given a sedative.  Hearing those truths gave her the confidence to 'be still'.  She was hearing her God speak to her.  She knew those were His words.  She knew them 'by heart'. 

Her breathing slowed to 18 and her heart rate dropped to 60.  There was no medical reason for this.  There were no drugs involved.  This was His hand, and her heart at work.  He met her, and me, there in ICU and ministered to the woman I love.  He soothed Bonnie by His WORD!!!

This was one more way in which He answered my fervent prayer to KNOW that Jesus was there waiting on Bonnie.  Otherwise, how could I have let her go? 

Now, I KNOW Jesus is waiting on me too.....and Bonnie is there waiting as well.  That is one reunion worth 'getting back' for.