Being Still

As I sat, this morning, doing some bible study and rubbing Hobo's long, black, silky ears I began to reflect on the time since Bonnie's death.  My mind played the tape back to me until I got to a telephone conversation I'd had this week with my good friend Judy.

We were talking about many of the facets of deep grief...what they do to us and how they feel....trying to describe them to one another.  We can relate to what each says in that we are both travelling this journey although for very different reasons and she has been on this road longer.

As we talked I mentioned that I had not experienced anger over Bonnie's death.  The 'experts' tell us that is a 'stage' of grief that many people experience.  Because of the circumstances of Bonnie's passing into heaven, I have not been angry with doctors, nurses, the system, or God.  For that I am very thankful. 

While I do not appreciate the fact that Bonnie is no longer beside me, I am not angry with God for allowing her to come to Him.  You see, I am blessed to maintain my belief that He is in control; that this is a part of His plan; that it will work for good in some way that I cannot imagine.  How much more difficult this time without Bonnie would be if I were angry.  That would multiply the loss, emptiness and pain.

Along the way in our conversation Judy asked me if I'd been able to sleep these past three months.  I realized my answer was probably not what she expected.  I said:  "Yes". 

During the time when Bonnie was so very sick I'd hated the hours between 1 and 4 AM.  If I awoke, the worry began.  Now, I look forward to that quiet time between going to bed and falling asleep.  That is a time of quiet prayer.  I find that is a time when I can be close to Bonnie.  I am able to fall asleep with her on my mind and sleep through the night.  If I should awake, it is ok now.  I know she is where she needs to be, she is not in pain, and I am still close to her.  I fall back to sleep easily.  Another thing for which to be thankful.

Another thing that I realized as I sat there reviewing the past three months is a change of opinion about something.  If God is in control, then I must be at this place, at this time for a reason.  I've been extremely lonely this winter.  I've wanted to be where people are, where things are happening, where there is activity, where there is noise.  Instead I've been where it is quiet, still, lonely....and beautiful.  I've struggled terribly with this aloneness.

And yet, were it not for being here I would have missed some very important things.  By being alone in this quiet place I have been forced to spend time with God.  The meaning of the scripture "Be still and know that I am God" was forced upon me.

Those who know me know that I am not one to be still for very long.  In fact, I've tried to stay busy, very busy, these past three months.  Inevitably however there have been times for quiet reflection, study, reading of the bible.  I've been forced to 'be still'.  Not only am I reading the bible instead of fiction, I am able to think about what it is saying to me about our God.  That has been a wonderful experience.  I am coming to know Him better.  Another thing for which to be thankful.

Beauty.  That is something I've been missing lately.  It was here.  It always has been.  I've just not been appreciating it...or perhaps I've been ignoring it.  As our conversation continued, I realized how much beauty I had experienced of late and the appreciation began to return. 

Just the other evening I was down on the boat dock as the sun was setting.  It was absolutely still.  There was not a single ripple between me and the shoreline six miles away.  When you live in a place like this you begin to realize there is a schedule to nature.  As Hobo and I sat on the dock I experienced something very special.  As the birds were returning to their nesting sites for the night, each species made a unique and beautiful sound as they flew, or as the swam, past the dock.  Some fly quickly on short wings.  Others soar gracefully on long, beautiful wings.  Still others swim cautiously close to shore.  The wings make different sounds.  The birds also whistle or chirp or even clack as they fly, or swim along together.  I thought as I sat there listening and watching that our most powerful and knowing God must have a sense of humor and beauty to have included this level of detail in His creation. 

I would not have gotten to hear or see or appreciate this had I been where I wanted to be this winter.  I was being forced to be still and in so doing, was experiencing another amazing aspect of our God.

During our telephone conversation Judy mentioned that she appreciated my laugh and that she remembered it from long ago.  It was only then that I realized I had been laughing while we talked.  I have not been able to do much of that lately.  For quite some time, actually.  Even during those normally happy times, such as Lexi's first birthday, there is, as Judy described it, always that darkness creeping in on the edges of the occasion. 

Bonnie and I had always laughed easily together.  That was just another of the many things I loved about her.  To remember that and to actually laugh again was another blessing.

So, in closing, I will say that there are still things for which to be thankful.  There is always the love of our God over which to marvel and give thanks.  His grace is what is getting me through each day.  His plan will someday be revealed.  I am trusting that I am where I need to be right now....being still...learning....knowing better.