It has been one week since my last post. This has been an "improvement" over previous weeks. At least I believe it has. The meltdowns have been fewer and less deep. There are some reasons that I'll try to explain in this entry.
These reasons are not easy to explain. I am not sure I fully comprehend them and certainly cannot adequately explain them. Further, I am not positive they are permanent and they certainly have not put me on a steady and confident platform. They have, however, given me a platform on which to stand this week.
Let me start out by stating that the only reason for my standing is that my platform has been God. No apologies. No bragging. Nothing except a complete dependence upon Him to get me through this week. He has done so.
You may wonder, if I am depending upon God and believe He is the reason I am able to continue, why I would say I am not positive the changes are permanent and that I am not confident they will continue. The reason for that statement is not that I believe God is temporary or part-time. HE is permanent, unchanging, omnipotent. I am the temporary, weak, shaky part of the equation. I just do not know myself very well as "me". I am not confident in what I can and cannot do.....and that includes depending upon God to get me through. I believe that if I do that He will be there....I just don't have confidence in my own ability to do that very difficult thing. Perhaps that is what HE is teaching me.
Do you remember my writing about the little devotional book that Bonnie gave me for Christmas....of 2009...the book that sat unopened on my shelf until Christmas...2010? What a wonderful gift she gave me.
This morning's devotional explained some of what I have experienced this week and over the past couple of years. There are two sentences that I want to share, although the entire devotional is priceless for anyone. It is how Bonnie lived her life and is living now. It is a short synopsis of what I have experienced and am experiencing. If you go back through my entries here and on Caring Bridge you may recognize this journey.
"(God) does not at first fashion us for usefulness. He fashions us for knowing Him." Do you remember how hard I prayed while Bonnie was hospitalized? I HAD to know God was there and that He was going to take care of her eternally. He wanted me to know Him. He allowed me to do so.
The devotional later states: "He first wants us at His feet. Above all, He wants us to learn from Him." That is where Bonnie stayed during her life on this earth and where she is now...at His feet...learning from Him.
I am discovering from her friends how strongly Bonnie wanted me and Shelley to be there at His feet with her, learning from Him. I admit I was not fully there. I do, however, feel that is where I needed to be and pray that I will be now and forever.
Do you remember how I've described the day that Hobo adopted me? He was cold, wet, tired and hungry. He was at the end of his ability to care for himself. I stopped the car, called to him and he slowly, carefully, painfully came to my feet. He didn't look up at me. He just laid down at my feet. He submitted himself to my care....completely. I now do my best to care for him and protect him. If danger comes his way...coyotes, larger dogs...I am there for him to run them away. He knows that if he calls on me with his loud 'beagle' voice I'll help him.
This is, perhaps, a silly analogy of my last week. But it does illustrate a point. I am broken and at the end of my rope. I have submitted myself to God and I must depend upon Him to get me through. He has done so this week. Further, I have discovered a weapon we have available to us. An all powerful one. Jesus. In His name, evil leaves us.
When I've felt the evil of a grievous meltdown coming this past week I have told it to begone in Jesus name and have immediately thanked God for all the years of blessing I had with Bonnie. I've praised Him all week for giving me the exact woman I needed and for allowing me to be with her when I was totally undeserving. Evil leaves in the face of Jesus.
Satan didn't leave permanently. He kept coming back at me this week. Depression lurked around every corner. Loneliness was waiting everywhere. But, every time I felt it coming I'd use Jesus name and His power to get through. Then, by praising Him and giving thanks to Him, the depression lessened, the loneliness receded. I was able to breathe in a relatively normal manner.
As this week closes, it is but one in a long line. It is, after all a journey. The journey continues. I pray I will continue the journey at his feet...learning. I pray you will too.
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