Priorities

This morning I awoke at 4:30 knowing I would not go back to sleep.  I began to think about the things I had planned to do today and realized I just didn't care about doing them.  They just didn't matter to me.  These are things that I've always enjoyed doing.  Things I loved to do.  Things I enjoyed sharing with Bonnie.  Now that she is no longer here, the things I loved matter no longer.  She was, in fact what mattered to me and sharing them with her gave those things meaning.

By about 5:15 Hobo decided it was time to start his day.  After taking him outside I returned to the living room and picked up the little devotional book "At His Feet" that I've referred to before. 

I began to read.  I was captivated and thrown into deep thought.  One day's devotional led to another and another.  Before I knew it I'd gone through almost two week's worth and each one fit perfectly with the day before.  More importantly, I felt as if they were speaking directly to me.

The devotionals moved from "The Devil's Test" to "The Greatest Prize" to "Jesus Rivals" to "Always on the Road" to "A New Family" to "No Greater Reward" to "Blessing in Service" to "Channels of Blessing" to "Above Our Worries" to First Things First" to The Mistrust of Anxiety" to "God's Pleasure in Persistence".  I won't explain each one.  I'll leave that to you to read for yourself.  What I do hope to explain is how they spoke to me this morning.

The beginning devotional confirmed that satan is constantly attempting to disrupt our praise of God and our faithfulness to Him.  I've spoken of the effects of grief and how it feels like evil.  That is satan at work and he will use grief, happiness, anything to get us to take our eyes and our hearts off of Jesus.

As the devotionals moved forward I was shocked at a realization that came to me.  We all know that God wants us to put HIM first in our hearts and our lives.  We are taught that, but it is not easy to practice.  Referring to Matthew 13:45-46, a devotional closed with this question:  "What is the pearl in your life?"  My pearl had been Bonnie.  Doesn't that sound about right when you read back on these and the Caring Bridge entries?  It is the description of a beautifu love story between Bonnie and me.  It was wonderful.  What is wrong with that?  Nothing, except that I realize I had my priorities wrong. 

Bonnie loved me more than I ever deserved.  I know she did.  I also know that I was not her top priority.  God was and is.  I was never jealous of that.  Unfortunately, I hadn't gotten to that point in my journey.  She wanted that for me.  I know she did.  She's even told some of you that she did.  She was my pearl.  She would be the first to rejoice in hearing me say that I had my priorities wrong.

As I struggle along in my very changed journey, my previous priorities have been ripped from me.  They are no longer important at all.  What was once important is just a way to get through another day.  As in Ecclesiastes 1:2, Painting, carpentry, looking for a boat....meaningless....because my pearl is gone.  Temporary pearls are not where our priorities should be.

To have loved Bonnie so much was not wrong.  To have not put my devotion to God before my devotion to her was. 

Now, my challenge, my hope, my prayer is that my future will see God as my first devotion.  When that happens my priorities will be correct on the remainder of this journey and those priorities will not be meaningless.