"Death died when Christ arose." That quote is perfectly included in today's devotional from "At His Feet". You remember the one. The little leather-bound book that Bonnie gave me two Christmases ago. Somehow she knew I was going to need it. As usual, she was right.
If you've followed our CaringBridge site, and now this blog, you already know that I do not believe in coincidences in the Kingdom. Today is another of those non-coincidences.
As many of you will recognize, today marks five months since Bonnie took her step into Heaven. I've dreaded this day for a month now. Those of us who have lost loved-ones understand that firsts, anniversaries, holidays, birthdays all come to have special significance. As soon as one is over, another one looms. For me......for now... these days are something to get through, not celebrate. I've been concerned about getting through this day for a month.
Then, I turned the page to March 30 in the devotional. This particular devotional is one that spells out how I get through each day. It spells out why there are limits to my grief. It reveals why it is so very important for us to take every opportunity to witness to people about our Lord Jesus Christ. It is why, quite honestly, I write about this "Journey".
"The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise." Mark 9:31. "He is not here; He has risen, just as he said." Matthew 28:6. You either believe this or not. To paraphrase the devotional: To those who do not believe it and have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, death is the end. Period. For those of us who do believe it and have accepted Him as our Lord and Savior, Jesus removes the period. With Him, we have everlasting life.
So, when I go on my daily walks with Hobo and we go into the cemetery, I am not going to where Bonnie is buried. I am going to remember her as she was here and to give thanks for where she is and what she is experiencing now. Jesus put a limit to my grief. He removed the period.
In the midst of my sorrow at not having her beside me, He gave me the knowledge that He is in control and that Bonnie is with Him.
Please allow me to quote directly from the devotional: "The promise of this (Jesus') resurrection is astounding. Every privilege of the risen Jesus, in all of His glory is offered to us to partake in. It is the reality of the eternal promises of God. In His resurrection He intercedes for us at the right hand of God (Hebrews 7:25); He lives in us (John 14:20, Galatians 2:20); and He exercises all authority in heaven and on earth (Matthew 28:18). Not only is he exalted, but we are seated with Him in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6); we are fellow heirs of His inheritance (Romans 8:17) and we have eternal life (John 6:40).
"These are magnificent and astonishing truths. We could spend a lifetime - make that an eternity - letting them sink in."
Can you imagine? Can you even begin to imagine? If you believe and trust in Him, you will have all eternity to do so. That is what Bonnie knew. That is how she lived. She said many times that she was not afraid to die. I believe her....she wasn't. These promises are why. She is partaking of all those promises now. For that knowledge, I am so very thankful.
This knowledge does not make my loneliness go away. It does not make me miss her any less. To say it does would be a lie. My grief at her going is perhaps less intense than it was, but it is still ever-present and heavy on my heart. What this knowledge does is to put a limit on my grief. It gives me something to which to aspire....something to look forward to...something worth far more than anything this earth has to offer. The period is gone.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Twists and Turns
A journey can take many forms, twists and turns. I would never have expected my life's journey to put me where I am, doing what I am doing, at this point in my life. But, perhaps my journey to this point has uniquely prepared me for something that may unfold. The following paragraphs will explain this, but before I start to explain, I want to ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I might know God's will in this and that His will be done.
Many of you attended Bonnie's funeral, and for that I am very thankful. Most of you probably assumed the cemetery where she is buried, and where I will be as well, is owned and maintained by the little Church across the lane, where the services were held. This is not the case.
The cemetery is considered a 'community cemetery' in Alabama. To date, we have been unable to establish legal ownership.
This part of the country is steeped in history to include acquisition of land from Native Americans, the Civil War and the inundation of Riverton when Pickwick lake was formed. In the late 1700's and early 1800's the land was being acquired from the Native Americans. A town named Riverton (by two other names) was formed. The cemetery was a part of that town. The town was a part of Franklin County. During, or shortly after the Civil War, the courthouse for the county was burned, destroying all records of land ownership. The town of Riverton later became part of Colbert County. Then, in the late 1930's TVA flooded this area when Pickwick Lake was formed. The town of Riverton was no more and the cemetery presumably escheated to the county although that is not proven at this time. The cemetery has, over time, been abandoned and then reclaimed/maintained by a local family.
The church across the lane from the Cemetery is Riverton Church. It is where Bonnie and I were members and it intended to take on the maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery.
Following Bonnie's funeral, I became concerned for the 'perpetual' protection, improvement, maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery. I have been investigating the formation of a Foundation to acquire ownership of the cemetery. When the ownership has been established, the Foundation will raise funds to protect and improve the cemetery.
At this point, the members of the church have been extremely helpful in this endeavor. We have had two work parties in which we've cleared brush from the border of the cemetery. This week we were able to find the five border stakes from a previous survey, thus establishing the legal boundaries of the cemetery.
The clearing work has disclosed a beautiful, peaceful and historic place of rest. I've found graves from as early as 1849 and perhaps one from 1829. There are veterans from virtually every war the US has fought from the Civil War to present. It is a place worth preserving.
One of our first projects, following establishment of the Foundation and ownership of the land, is to conduct a ground radar survey of the property. There are unmarked graves in the cemetery and we want to do everything we can to identify and honor the memory of those buried there. Another of our projects will be to pave the access road into the cemetery. There are many other improvements that will keep us busy for a very long time but they will be worth it to the families of those buried there and to this community in general.
So, at this point, at this time, the journey is continuing in what appears to be a very positive direction.
I ask you to pray for us to understand God's will in this and for His will to be done. I believe that people will be excited about these developments and that the community will support our plans. But more importantly, I pray that these plans will, in some way, support God's plans and His will. I pray that through these efforts someone somehow will come to know Him. If that can be the case, then all the work will be worthwhile.
Many of you attended Bonnie's funeral, and for that I am very thankful. Most of you probably assumed the cemetery where she is buried, and where I will be as well, is owned and maintained by the little Church across the lane, where the services were held. This is not the case.
The cemetery is considered a 'community cemetery' in Alabama. To date, we have been unable to establish legal ownership.
This part of the country is steeped in history to include acquisition of land from Native Americans, the Civil War and the inundation of Riverton when Pickwick lake was formed. In the late 1700's and early 1800's the land was being acquired from the Native Americans. A town named Riverton (by two other names) was formed. The cemetery was a part of that town. The town was a part of Franklin County. During, or shortly after the Civil War, the courthouse for the county was burned, destroying all records of land ownership. The town of Riverton later became part of Colbert County. Then, in the late 1930's TVA flooded this area when Pickwick Lake was formed. The town of Riverton was no more and the cemetery presumably escheated to the county although that is not proven at this time. The cemetery has, over time, been abandoned and then reclaimed/maintained by a local family.
The church across the lane from the Cemetery is Riverton Church. It is where Bonnie and I were members and it intended to take on the maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery.
Following Bonnie's funeral, I became concerned for the 'perpetual' protection, improvement, maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery. I have been investigating the formation of a Foundation to acquire ownership of the cemetery. When the ownership has been established, the Foundation will raise funds to protect and improve the cemetery.
At this point, the members of the church have been extremely helpful in this endeavor. We have had two work parties in which we've cleared brush from the border of the cemetery. This week we were able to find the five border stakes from a previous survey, thus establishing the legal boundaries of the cemetery.
The clearing work has disclosed a beautiful, peaceful and historic place of rest. I've found graves from as early as 1849 and perhaps one from 1829. There are veterans from virtually every war the US has fought from the Civil War to present. It is a place worth preserving.
One of our first projects, following establishment of the Foundation and ownership of the land, is to conduct a ground radar survey of the property. There are unmarked graves in the cemetery and we want to do everything we can to identify and honor the memory of those buried there. Another of our projects will be to pave the access road into the cemetery. There are many other improvements that will keep us busy for a very long time but they will be worth it to the families of those buried there and to this community in general.
So, at this point, at this time, the journey is continuing in what appears to be a very positive direction.
I ask you to pray for us to understand God's will in this and for His will to be done. I believe that people will be excited about these developments and that the community will support our plans. But more importantly, I pray that these plans will, in some way, support God's plans and His will. I pray that through these efforts someone somehow will come to know Him. If that can be the case, then all the work will be worthwhile.
Monday, March 21, 2011
One more page.
Daily devotionals are, by definition, daily. They are sort of like soap operas...we'll not really, but you get the point that what you read today may be upstaged tomorrow. That happened to me this morning. I turned the page in the devotional to read another "Your will be done...". This one explained things in an entirely different and oh so meaningful way.
This described a call to battle!! God against evil. HIS will against Satan's. Now that is a side I can take!!!
I was reminded of a church in Memphis called New Life Baptist Church on Orchi Street. It is situated in "gang central" of that city. When you drive to it, you tend to slide down in your seat. But, when you arrive, it is as if you've come to an oasis. God has touched this place. His will is evident. Where His will touches this earth, Satan flees.
There are houses of prostitution and crack houses within a stone's throw of this place. They were closer, but the church has taken back territory for God, one lot, one house, one heart at a time. This is God's will versus Satan's at work. It is a call to battle and it is His to win.
There is a new park being developed across the street. It will be a place for children to play safely where once drugs were dealt. It will be a place for homeless people to worship outside in a pavilion until they are comfortable worshipping inside the chapel. It will be a place where they can have a meal and receive everlasting food as well. This is God's will for all mankind.
This is not an easy battle that New Life is fighting. They are outnumbered on the streets, but they are fighting God's fight. Who do you think is winning?
So when you pray "Your will be done" remember that this is a call to battle, not a wishy-washy way of saying "I don't know what else to pray". That is a strong, eloquent, personal way of saying you are on HIS side in this.
Bonnie and I have been honored to see this church in action. We were awed and humbled by what is being done there. This is God's will in action. I believe they are shaking the gates of Hell with their work....His work.
So, today, one more page was turned in the little devotional book Bonnie gave me two Christmases ago. Today, through her gift to me, she explained another of God's lessons.
This described a call to battle!! God against evil. HIS will against Satan's. Now that is a side I can take!!!
I was reminded of a church in Memphis called New Life Baptist Church on Orchi Street. It is situated in "gang central" of that city. When you drive to it, you tend to slide down in your seat. But, when you arrive, it is as if you've come to an oasis. God has touched this place. His will is evident. Where His will touches this earth, Satan flees.
There are houses of prostitution and crack houses within a stone's throw of this place. They were closer, but the church has taken back territory for God, one lot, one house, one heart at a time. This is God's will versus Satan's at work. It is a call to battle and it is His to win.
There is a new park being developed across the street. It will be a place for children to play safely where once drugs were dealt. It will be a place for homeless people to worship outside in a pavilion until they are comfortable worshipping inside the chapel. It will be a place where they can have a meal and receive everlasting food as well. This is God's will for all mankind.
This is not an easy battle that New Life is fighting. They are outnumbered on the streets, but they are fighting God's fight. Who do you think is winning?
So when you pray "Your will be done" remember that this is a call to battle, not a wishy-washy way of saying "I don't know what else to pray". That is a strong, eloquent, personal way of saying you are on HIS side in this.
Bonnie and I have been honored to see this church in action. We were awed and humbled by what is being done there. This is God's will in action. I believe they are shaking the gates of Hell with their work....His work.
So, today, one more page was turned in the little devotional book Bonnie gave me two Christmases ago. Today, through her gift to me, she explained another of God's lessons.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Your will be done..........
This has been the busiest week I've spent in the past five months. I have both appreciated the diversions, yet longed to return to the solitude of the lake and the closeness it gives me to Bonnie's memory. That seems to be the story at this point.....contradictions.
Yesterday's weather was beautiful here. My nephew Dan had come the day before to test his boat and begin preparing it for summer. We went fishing in the morning on Saturday before he had to return home. Then, in the afternoon, a number of church members joined me in a work party to continue clearing brush from the boundary of the cemetery. Our cemetery is a historic, peaceful and beautiful place. It holds many possibilities as we consider its protection and improvement.
These activities kept my mind and my hands busy most of the day. It is a blessing to have those diversions. It does not mean that Bonnie's memory is fading. Seldom does an hour go by that she is not on my mind. Her leaving this earth has left a hole in my heart, which cannot be filled, regardless of the time or thoughts that run through it.
This morning, as I sat on the deck overlooking the lake, doing bible study and drinking coffee, the subject of the devotional was praying for God's will while at the same time praying for ours. Are they in synch? If not, why? There are those who believe that we should pray for healing and that when we do, it will come if we believe strongly enough and pray hard enough. There are those who believe we should instead pray for God's will to be done in any circumstance. Are these two approaches contradictory? Can they be in synch?
I know that I prayed as hard as I possibly could for Bonnie's health to be restored. I also prayed for God's will to be done. I believe that God could have restored Bonnie to perfect health in an instant. I also believe that I do not have the knowledge nor the ability to understand the mind of God and His eternal perspective and plan. I do believe that He loves us more than we love ourselves. I also believe that because of his love, power and knowledge, I can depend upon His overall plan to unfold exactly as it should. I would not pray that my desire to live with Bonnie and her with me for the next 20 or so years go against His plan or will.
What I also prayed for during those dark and difficult days...and what I continue to pray...is that I can accept this outcome without bitterness toward God. Bitterness could easily come if I did not believe that the eternal plan is for our good. I have absolutely, positively no clue how this will come to pass. I'm not able to grasp that while my feet are walking on this earth. But, I do believe that when it is time for me to take my step into heaven this too will be revealed.
These beliefs do not shorten the hours, days, weeks months and years I have on this earth. They do not lessen the pain I feel nor the loneliness brought by Bonnie's absence. I do know, however, that compared to eternity and compared to the ultimate unfolding of His plan, my days on this earth and my sorrow are but an instant and insignificant.
Therefore, I will continue to pray "Your will be done......."
Yesterday's weather was beautiful here. My nephew Dan had come the day before to test his boat and begin preparing it for summer. We went fishing in the morning on Saturday before he had to return home. Then, in the afternoon, a number of church members joined me in a work party to continue clearing brush from the boundary of the cemetery. Our cemetery is a historic, peaceful and beautiful place. It holds many possibilities as we consider its protection and improvement.
These activities kept my mind and my hands busy most of the day. It is a blessing to have those diversions. It does not mean that Bonnie's memory is fading. Seldom does an hour go by that she is not on my mind. Her leaving this earth has left a hole in my heart, which cannot be filled, regardless of the time or thoughts that run through it.
This morning, as I sat on the deck overlooking the lake, doing bible study and drinking coffee, the subject of the devotional was praying for God's will while at the same time praying for ours. Are they in synch? If not, why? There are those who believe that we should pray for healing and that when we do, it will come if we believe strongly enough and pray hard enough. There are those who believe we should instead pray for God's will to be done in any circumstance. Are these two approaches contradictory? Can they be in synch?
I know that I prayed as hard as I possibly could for Bonnie's health to be restored. I also prayed for God's will to be done. I believe that God could have restored Bonnie to perfect health in an instant. I also believe that I do not have the knowledge nor the ability to understand the mind of God and His eternal perspective and plan. I do believe that He loves us more than we love ourselves. I also believe that because of his love, power and knowledge, I can depend upon His overall plan to unfold exactly as it should. I would not pray that my desire to live with Bonnie and her with me for the next 20 or so years go against His plan or will.
What I also prayed for during those dark and difficult days...and what I continue to pray...is that I can accept this outcome without bitterness toward God. Bitterness could easily come if I did not believe that the eternal plan is for our good. I have absolutely, positively no clue how this will come to pass. I'm not able to grasp that while my feet are walking on this earth. But, I do believe that when it is time for me to take my step into heaven this too will be revealed.
These beliefs do not shorten the hours, days, weeks months and years I have on this earth. They do not lessen the pain I feel nor the loneliness brought by Bonnie's absence. I do know, however, that compared to eternity and compared to the ultimate unfolding of His plan, my days on this earth and my sorrow are but an instant and insignificant.
Therefore, I will continue to pray "Your will be done......."
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Telephone Poles
Sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to know what to share on this site.
This week marked an event that was fun, difficult, significant and yet not so. To most who read this post it would be nothing significant. To me, three years ago it would not have been. Today, to me, looking back, the past six days have been another milestone.
Six days ago I embarked, with Hobo in the back of the Jeep along with at least a ton of hand and bench woodworking tools, to Mobile Alabama. Good friends of many years have retired there and moved into a lovely new home on Rabbit Creek, just off Mobile Bay. They'd invited me to be their first guest in their wonderful new home.
Awhile back, Bonnie and I had joyfully offered to help them move in. We'd been excited for them and were looking forward to sharing that meaningful event. Who could have known that our plans would not unfold as we'd thought they would? Who could have guessed that I'd share the event with Mike and Gail without Bonnie?
For the past five months I've been pushing the edge of an envelope that to most would seem insignificant. To me, just a short while ago, it would have been insignificant as well. It has been extremely difficult for me to be away from this little cabin by the lake. I could easily stay here; never leaving; becoming a hermit.
Bonnie would not want that. I joked with her friend Virginia the other evening that Bonnie might meet us at the gate to heaven in a mood we wouldn't appreciate if we allowed our grief to overcome us.
I've been intentionally doing things that have been unbelievably difficult in order to live up to what Bonnie would expect of me. This week was one of those times.
Six days, five nights. A new record.
I went to Mobile, helped my friends build a "banquette" in their new home, and pushed the edge of an envelope. Six days, five nights. A record. An accomplishment. A milestone.
Tonight, I am exhausted. I'm spent. Done. But, I pray to our only God, that Bonnie is smiling. I pray that she is glad that I am pushing that envelope. I seem to have done so all my life and she was the main reason I would not give up when others might have. She is the reason I put one foot in front of the other now. I continue to breathe. I keep walking.
That is what she wants. I know that. We discussed it. We were able to do that because of our love for one another.
What is next? Seven days? Six nights? Just another step? Another telephone pole?
Last year the next telephone pole was Bonnie's goal in gaining strength. This year, another day away from this little cabin by the lake is my goal....not that I want to be away.....but Bonnie worked so hard for that next telephone pole, can I do anything less?
This week marked an event that was fun, difficult, significant and yet not so. To most who read this post it would be nothing significant. To me, three years ago it would not have been. Today, to me, looking back, the past six days have been another milestone.
Six days ago I embarked, with Hobo in the back of the Jeep along with at least a ton of hand and bench woodworking tools, to Mobile Alabama. Good friends of many years have retired there and moved into a lovely new home on Rabbit Creek, just off Mobile Bay. They'd invited me to be their first guest in their wonderful new home.
Awhile back, Bonnie and I had joyfully offered to help them move in. We'd been excited for them and were looking forward to sharing that meaningful event. Who could have known that our plans would not unfold as we'd thought they would? Who could have guessed that I'd share the event with Mike and Gail without Bonnie?
For the past five months I've been pushing the edge of an envelope that to most would seem insignificant. To me, just a short while ago, it would have been insignificant as well. It has been extremely difficult for me to be away from this little cabin by the lake. I could easily stay here; never leaving; becoming a hermit.
Bonnie would not want that. I joked with her friend Virginia the other evening that Bonnie might meet us at the gate to heaven in a mood we wouldn't appreciate if we allowed our grief to overcome us.
I've been intentionally doing things that have been unbelievably difficult in order to live up to what Bonnie would expect of me. This week was one of those times.
Six days, five nights. A new record.
I went to Mobile, helped my friends build a "banquette" in their new home, and pushed the edge of an envelope. Six days, five nights. A record. An accomplishment. A milestone.
Tonight, I am exhausted. I'm spent. Done. But, I pray to our only God, that Bonnie is smiling. I pray that she is glad that I am pushing that envelope. I seem to have done so all my life and she was the main reason I would not give up when others might have. She is the reason I put one foot in front of the other now. I continue to breathe. I keep walking.
That is what she wants. I know that. We discussed it. We were able to do that because of our love for one another.
What is next? Seven days? Six nights? Just another step? Another telephone pole?
Last year the next telephone pole was Bonnie's goal in gaining strength. This year, another day away from this little cabin by the lake is my goal....not that I want to be away.....but Bonnie worked so hard for that next telephone pole, can I do anything less?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm here, Karen
Yesterday marked another milestone; another first; another time when grief took on an entirely new dimension. Yesterday was my 63rd birthday. This was the first birthday since I was 19 that Bonnie was not a part.
I was blessed in that there was much activity to distract me. My friend Stan was here. There were half dozen workers here as well; repairing the beachfront rip rap. There was much to keep my mind occupied. But, even through the clatter of trackhoes and dump trucks the dark edges attempted to creep toward center stage. There is just no way that the absence of the major person in your life will go unnoticed. While we never did anything particularly special on our birthdays, neither of us ever missed recognizing the others birthday.
We were like that, Bonnie and I. We weren't ones to go overboard on special occasions. We just acknowledged our love for one another and moved on. What better birthday present than to know your spouse loves you with all her heart? I always knew Bonnie loved me. I pray she always knew I loved her. We were like that.....we just lived and loved. Always,.
Today, I happened to open my e-mail. In the busy-ness of yesterday, I had not done so. There was an e-mail from a good friend of many years. Karen gave me the sad news that her husband of a lifetime had taken his step into heaven. He'd done so on my birthday. At the very time I was struggling with a first in my life, she was struggling with the loss of her lifelong spouse and my friend Bob.
Bob was an ordained minister. He was a fellow elder in our church in Memphis. He was, well a dear friend. He and Karen had moved away several years ago. Bonnie and I missed our Friday evening dinners with Karen and Bob. We'd kept in touch. We'd been close and the miles did not diminish that closeness.
I have a feeling that Bonnie was at the gate to welcome Bob into their new home. What a smile he must have had to see her standing there to welcome him with open arms. Her first dear friend to join her. There will be many more, but Bob was the first.
Karen and I are left on this earth while Bonnie and Bob are with our Lord.
I pray that somehow, and in some way, I can help Karen with her journey. The steps that she will be taking in the coming days are so very, very difficult. She and I will never get over our loss. However, with God's help, we will get through it. While I am so very saddened to have her in this 'club' I find myself in, I am confident that God will carry her, as He has me.
Karen, I am sure that Bonnie closed many telephone calls in this way, but I want to take this time to tell you:
"I love you my friend". If you need anything, you call me....anytime....day or night. I'm here, as is our Lord.
I was blessed in that there was much activity to distract me. My friend Stan was here. There were half dozen workers here as well; repairing the beachfront rip rap. There was much to keep my mind occupied. But, even through the clatter of trackhoes and dump trucks the dark edges attempted to creep toward center stage. There is just no way that the absence of the major person in your life will go unnoticed. While we never did anything particularly special on our birthdays, neither of us ever missed recognizing the others birthday.
We were like that, Bonnie and I. We weren't ones to go overboard on special occasions. We just acknowledged our love for one another and moved on. What better birthday present than to know your spouse loves you with all her heart? I always knew Bonnie loved me. I pray she always knew I loved her. We were like that.....we just lived and loved. Always,.
Today, I happened to open my e-mail. In the busy-ness of yesterday, I had not done so. There was an e-mail from a good friend of many years. Karen gave me the sad news that her husband of a lifetime had taken his step into heaven. He'd done so on my birthday. At the very time I was struggling with a first in my life, she was struggling with the loss of her lifelong spouse and my friend Bob.
Bob was an ordained minister. He was a fellow elder in our church in Memphis. He was, well a dear friend. He and Karen had moved away several years ago. Bonnie and I missed our Friday evening dinners with Karen and Bob. We'd kept in touch. We'd been close and the miles did not diminish that closeness.
I have a feeling that Bonnie was at the gate to welcome Bob into their new home. What a smile he must have had to see her standing there to welcome him with open arms. Her first dear friend to join her. There will be many more, but Bob was the first.
Karen and I are left on this earth while Bonnie and Bob are with our Lord.
I pray that somehow, and in some way, I can help Karen with her journey. The steps that she will be taking in the coming days are so very, very difficult. She and I will never get over our loss. However, with God's help, we will get through it. While I am so very saddened to have her in this 'club' I find myself in, I am confident that God will carry her, as He has me.
Karen, I am sure that Bonnie closed many telephone calls in this way, but I want to take this time to tell you:
"I love you my friend". If you need anything, you call me....anytime....day or night. I'm here, as is our Lord.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Waiting
In my last post, I wrote of how the setting down of our headstone somehow seemed to lift me up. Its very weight seemed to lighten my load of sorrow and grief. I have come to realize that headstone was God's way of giving me relief. It was not so much the stone as it was what it represented in my heart....a love given to me by God that is substantial, weighty, permanent....Bonnie's love for me, mine for her, His for all of us. I pray that I will always look at that headstone in that way.
Another time in which He met me and provided what I needed, exactly when I needed Him.
While those of you who know me well know that I have always kept busy, these past two and a half years have taught me the value of 'being still'. (Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...) I've learned to 'wait'. (Actus 1:4 ...wait for the gift my Father promised".) Bonnie said that I'd learned patience while waiting in hospital rooms for her tests, procedures and exams to be completed. Another way in which God was preparing me for these past four months?
In today's devotional, from the little book Bonnie gave me two years ago, we are told that the disciples were told to "Wait". "It is not for you to know." All they are told is to see what GOD does. I feel like that sometimes. There was nothing I could do to feel better these past four months. There was nothing anyone could do or say or read to me that would relieve the grief or the pain or the loneliness. All I could do was wait to see what God would do.
These past months have found me being more still than I've ever been. It is not easy sometimes to do so. I feel called to "do", not just be. The reality is that God is doing the doing. I'm doing the being. I've found myself, as this morning, studying the bible, reading the devotionals for not minutes, but hours. Hobo woke me at 6:00 this morning. It is now 9:00. He is sleeping quietly under the coffee table in front of me while I study, read and write.
I will begin my doing in due time. I'll take Hobo for his walk to the cemetery and around our lane. I'll get the paint brush out and start painting the guest quarters trim later this morning. But this morning, as with most mornings, I've been able to be still. I've been waiting.
This waiting....this being still has allowed my heart to hear what I might have missed in the clatter of doing. Sometimes God speaks loudest with His soft voice. He nudges us. He whispers. In our being still, in our waiting, He makes us realize that it is not just in thunder that He speaks. Sometimes it is his quiet voice that is most eloquent. It is His whisper that is most powerful.
Another time in which He met me and provided what I needed, exactly when I needed Him.
While those of you who know me well know that I have always kept busy, these past two and a half years have taught me the value of 'being still'. (Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...) I've learned to 'wait'. (Actus 1:4 ...wait for the gift my Father promised".) Bonnie said that I'd learned patience while waiting in hospital rooms for her tests, procedures and exams to be completed. Another way in which God was preparing me for these past four months?
In today's devotional, from the little book Bonnie gave me two years ago, we are told that the disciples were told to "Wait". "It is not for you to know." All they are told is to see what GOD does. I feel like that sometimes. There was nothing I could do to feel better these past four months. There was nothing anyone could do or say or read to me that would relieve the grief or the pain or the loneliness. All I could do was wait to see what God would do.
These past months have found me being more still than I've ever been. It is not easy sometimes to do so. I feel called to "do", not just be. The reality is that God is doing the doing. I'm doing the being. I've found myself, as this morning, studying the bible, reading the devotionals for not minutes, but hours. Hobo woke me at 6:00 this morning. It is now 9:00. He is sleeping quietly under the coffee table in front of me while I study, read and write.
I will begin my doing in due time. I'll take Hobo for his walk to the cemetery and around our lane. I'll get the paint brush out and start painting the guest quarters trim later this morning. But this morning, as with most mornings, I've been able to be still. I've been waiting.
This waiting....this being still has allowed my heart to hear what I might have missed in the clatter of doing. Sometimes God speaks loudest with His soft voice. He nudges us. He whispers. In our being still, in our waiting, He makes us realize that it is not just in thunder that He speaks. Sometimes it is his quiet voice that is most eloquent. It is His whisper that is most powerful.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Two Steps Forward
The headstone was set as planned last Monday, on Valentine's day.
I'd had an extremely difficult week leading up to that time. Perhaps I was just dreading the unknown effect of setting that stone in place. Last week I called a "two step back" week.
Several friends and relatives commented to me that it was appropriate and even poetic for our headstone to be set in place on Valentine's day. At the time I had difficulty realizing they were, perhaps, correct. As I sat on a stone wall in the cemetery last Monday, watching the workers set the stone in place, a calm seemed to come over me. The stone is not at all flashy but it is very elegant. It is substantial, strong, beautiful...much like the love affair Bonnie and I shared for so many years. Having it there gave me a sense of closure that I had not been able to accept before.
It will be legible for many generations. The love that it represents will last throughout eternity.
Somehow, having that stone in place has enabled me to take two steps forward this week. It is as if the strength of that stone, the vary weight of it, grounded me. Instead of being washed away by every wave of emotion that hit me, I was able to continue standing. The waves were still there, and they may always be there, but somehow this week I've been able to continue walking when they hit.
The fog that I've been in lifted, ever so slightly, this week as well. The clarity of thought and focus is nowhere near what it once was, but it has been better for several days. To feel a small sense of clarity again is priceless.
Yesterday, I was talking to a neighbor while I was spreading mulch in the front flower bed. He described grief as a deep wound that heals ever so slowly. It heals from the inside out. I added that you are never the same after being wounded this deeply. Then, after all the healing that can take place has taken place, there is a scar that lasts as long as you live. I do not know how much 'healing' will take place for me. I do know that there will always be a scar. But, that is ok. The scar will be a reminder of the blessings I've had with Bonnie. I'd never give up the memories of those wonderful years to be rid of a scar. It is worth the trade, as painful as it is.
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and your concern and your kindness. As alone as I've felt this winter I know you were there for me. For the last, almost four months, I've just been trying to get through one more day. As my brain clears, if even a little, I am more aware of friends, neighbors, concerns.
There is much more to write. There is much more to tell you. I want to tell you of how I've kept somewhat sane by keeping busy; of some of the potentially exciting things that may unfold as a result of the keeping busy; of some of the treasures of darkness that have been revealed. Those will be subjects of future posts.
For now, I am thankful for two steps forward. I am even more thankful for a love that was, is, and will be, stronger, weightier and longer-lasting than even that black granite headstone.
I'd had an extremely difficult week leading up to that time. Perhaps I was just dreading the unknown effect of setting that stone in place. Last week I called a "two step back" week.
Several friends and relatives commented to me that it was appropriate and even poetic for our headstone to be set in place on Valentine's day. At the time I had difficulty realizing they were, perhaps, correct. As I sat on a stone wall in the cemetery last Monday, watching the workers set the stone in place, a calm seemed to come over me. The stone is not at all flashy but it is very elegant. It is substantial, strong, beautiful...much like the love affair Bonnie and I shared for so many years. Having it there gave me a sense of closure that I had not been able to accept before.
It will be legible for many generations. The love that it represents will last throughout eternity.
Somehow, having that stone in place has enabled me to take two steps forward this week. It is as if the strength of that stone, the vary weight of it, grounded me. Instead of being washed away by every wave of emotion that hit me, I was able to continue standing. The waves were still there, and they may always be there, but somehow this week I've been able to continue walking when they hit.
The fog that I've been in lifted, ever so slightly, this week as well. The clarity of thought and focus is nowhere near what it once was, but it has been better for several days. To feel a small sense of clarity again is priceless.
Yesterday, I was talking to a neighbor while I was spreading mulch in the front flower bed. He described grief as a deep wound that heals ever so slowly. It heals from the inside out. I added that you are never the same after being wounded this deeply. Then, after all the healing that can take place has taken place, there is a scar that lasts as long as you live. I do not know how much 'healing' will take place for me. I do know that there will always be a scar. But, that is ok. The scar will be a reminder of the blessings I've had with Bonnie. I'd never give up the memories of those wonderful years to be rid of a scar. It is worth the trade, as painful as it is.
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and your concern and your kindness. As alone as I've felt this winter I know you were there for me. For the last, almost four months, I've just been trying to get through one more day. As my brain clears, if even a little, I am more aware of friends, neighbors, concerns.
There is much more to write. There is much more to tell you. I want to tell you of how I've kept somewhat sane by keeping busy; of some of the potentially exciting things that may unfold as a result of the keeping busy; of some of the treasures of darkness that have been revealed. Those will be subjects of future posts.
For now, I am thankful for two steps forward. I am even more thankful for a love that was, is, and will be, stronger, weightier and longer-lasting than even that black granite headstone.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Irony
This will be a very short entry.
Irony of ironies....tomorrow, on Valentines Day, our headstone will be set.
What do you suppose we were doing last Valentine's day? Well it was a Sunday.
Bonnie and I renewed our wedding vows. I have a picture of our doing so and another of the kiss that followed hanging on the wall to my left as I type.
Last year, I signed up for another 40 years with Bonnie. I'll never forget saying "YOU BET I DO". This year I'll set her (and my) headstone.
I suppose the reality is that the headstone we'll set tomorrow will last for a hundred or so years. Last year Bonnie and I set our headstone for eternity.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Being Still
As I sat, this morning, doing some bible study and rubbing Hobo's long, black, silky ears I began to reflect on the time since Bonnie's death. My mind played the tape back to me until I got to a telephone conversation I'd had this week with my good friend Judy.
We were talking about many of the facets of deep grief...what they do to us and how they feel....trying to describe them to one another. We can relate to what each says in that we are both travelling this journey although for very different reasons and she has been on this road longer.
As we talked I mentioned that I had not experienced anger over Bonnie's death. The 'experts' tell us that is a 'stage' of grief that many people experience. Because of the circumstances of Bonnie's passing into heaven, I have not been angry with doctors, nurses, the system, or God. For that I am very thankful.
While I do not appreciate the fact that Bonnie is no longer beside me, I am not angry with God for allowing her to come to Him. You see, I am blessed to maintain my belief that He is in control; that this is a part of His plan; that it will work for good in some way that I cannot imagine. How much more difficult this time without Bonnie would be if I were angry. That would multiply the loss, emptiness and pain.
Along the way in our conversation Judy asked me if I'd been able to sleep these past three months. I realized my answer was probably not what she expected. I said: "Yes".
During the time when Bonnie was so very sick I'd hated the hours between 1 and 4 AM. If I awoke, the worry began. Now, I look forward to that quiet time between going to bed and falling asleep. That is a time of quiet prayer. I find that is a time when I can be close to Bonnie. I am able to fall asleep with her on my mind and sleep through the night. If I should awake, it is ok now. I know she is where she needs to be, she is not in pain, and I am still close to her. I fall back to sleep easily. Another thing for which to be thankful.
Another thing that I realized as I sat there reviewing the past three months is a change of opinion about something. If God is in control, then I must be at this place, at this time for a reason. I've been extremely lonely this winter. I've wanted to be where people are, where things are happening, where there is activity, where there is noise. Instead I've been where it is quiet, still, lonely....and beautiful. I've struggled terribly with this aloneness.
And yet, were it not for being here I would have missed some very important things. By being alone in this quiet place I have been forced to spend time with God. The meaning of the scripture "Be still and know that I am God" was forced upon me.
Those who know me know that I am not one to be still for very long. In fact, I've tried to stay busy, very busy, these past three months. Inevitably however there have been times for quiet reflection, study, reading of the bible. I've been forced to 'be still'. Not only am I reading the bible instead of fiction, I am able to think about what it is saying to me about our God. That has been a wonderful experience. I am coming to know Him better. Another thing for which to be thankful.
Beauty. That is something I've been missing lately. It was here. It always has been. I've just not been appreciating it...or perhaps I've been ignoring it. As our conversation continued, I realized how much beauty I had experienced of late and the appreciation began to return.
Just the other evening I was down on the boat dock as the sun was setting. It was absolutely still. There was not a single ripple between me and the shoreline six miles away. When you live in a place like this you begin to realize there is a schedule to nature. As Hobo and I sat on the dock I experienced something very special. As the birds were returning to their nesting sites for the night, each species made a unique and beautiful sound as they flew, or as the swam, past the dock. Some fly quickly on short wings. Others soar gracefully on long, beautiful wings. Still others swim cautiously close to shore. The wings make different sounds. The birds also whistle or chirp or even clack as they fly, or swim along together. I thought as I sat there listening and watching that our most powerful and knowing God must have a sense of humor and beauty to have included this level of detail in His creation.
I would not have gotten to hear or see or appreciate this had I been where I wanted to be this winter. I was being forced to be still and in so doing, was experiencing another amazing aspect of our God.
During our telephone conversation Judy mentioned that she appreciated my laugh and that she remembered it from long ago. It was only then that I realized I had been laughing while we talked. I have not been able to do much of that lately. For quite some time, actually. Even during those normally happy times, such as Lexi's first birthday, there is, as Judy described it, always that darkness creeping in on the edges of the occasion.
Bonnie and I had always laughed easily together. That was just another of the many things I loved about her. To remember that and to actually laugh again was another blessing.
So, in closing, I will say that there are still things for which to be thankful. There is always the love of our God over which to marvel and give thanks. His grace is what is getting me through each day. His plan will someday be revealed. I am trusting that I am where I need to be right now....being still...learning....knowing better.
We were talking about many of the facets of deep grief...what they do to us and how they feel....trying to describe them to one another. We can relate to what each says in that we are both travelling this journey although for very different reasons and she has been on this road longer.
As we talked I mentioned that I had not experienced anger over Bonnie's death. The 'experts' tell us that is a 'stage' of grief that many people experience. Because of the circumstances of Bonnie's passing into heaven, I have not been angry with doctors, nurses, the system, or God. For that I am very thankful.
While I do not appreciate the fact that Bonnie is no longer beside me, I am not angry with God for allowing her to come to Him. You see, I am blessed to maintain my belief that He is in control; that this is a part of His plan; that it will work for good in some way that I cannot imagine. How much more difficult this time without Bonnie would be if I were angry. That would multiply the loss, emptiness and pain.
Along the way in our conversation Judy asked me if I'd been able to sleep these past three months. I realized my answer was probably not what she expected. I said: "Yes".
During the time when Bonnie was so very sick I'd hated the hours between 1 and 4 AM. If I awoke, the worry began. Now, I look forward to that quiet time between going to bed and falling asleep. That is a time of quiet prayer. I find that is a time when I can be close to Bonnie. I am able to fall asleep with her on my mind and sleep through the night. If I should awake, it is ok now. I know she is where she needs to be, she is not in pain, and I am still close to her. I fall back to sleep easily. Another thing for which to be thankful.
Another thing that I realized as I sat there reviewing the past three months is a change of opinion about something. If God is in control, then I must be at this place, at this time for a reason. I've been extremely lonely this winter. I've wanted to be where people are, where things are happening, where there is activity, where there is noise. Instead I've been where it is quiet, still, lonely....and beautiful. I've struggled terribly with this aloneness.
And yet, were it not for being here I would have missed some very important things. By being alone in this quiet place I have been forced to spend time with God. The meaning of the scripture "Be still and know that I am God" was forced upon me.
Those who know me know that I am not one to be still for very long. In fact, I've tried to stay busy, very busy, these past three months. Inevitably however there have been times for quiet reflection, study, reading of the bible. I've been forced to 'be still'. Not only am I reading the bible instead of fiction, I am able to think about what it is saying to me about our God. That has been a wonderful experience. I am coming to know Him better. Another thing for which to be thankful.
Beauty. That is something I've been missing lately. It was here. It always has been. I've just not been appreciating it...or perhaps I've been ignoring it. As our conversation continued, I realized how much beauty I had experienced of late and the appreciation began to return.
Just the other evening I was down on the boat dock as the sun was setting. It was absolutely still. There was not a single ripple between me and the shoreline six miles away. When you live in a place like this you begin to realize there is a schedule to nature. As Hobo and I sat on the dock I experienced something very special. As the birds were returning to their nesting sites for the night, each species made a unique and beautiful sound as they flew, or as the swam, past the dock. Some fly quickly on short wings. Others soar gracefully on long, beautiful wings. Still others swim cautiously close to shore. The wings make different sounds. The birds also whistle or chirp or even clack as they fly, or swim along together. I thought as I sat there listening and watching that our most powerful and knowing God must have a sense of humor and beauty to have included this level of detail in His creation.
I would not have gotten to hear or see or appreciate this had I been where I wanted to be this winter. I was being forced to be still and in so doing, was experiencing another amazing aspect of our God.
During our telephone conversation Judy mentioned that she appreciated my laugh and that she remembered it from long ago. It was only then that I realized I had been laughing while we talked. I have not been able to do much of that lately. For quite some time, actually. Even during those normally happy times, such as Lexi's first birthday, there is, as Judy described it, always that darkness creeping in on the edges of the occasion.
Bonnie and I had always laughed easily together. That was just another of the many things I loved about her. To remember that and to actually laugh again was another blessing.
So, in closing, I will say that there are still things for which to be thankful. There is always the love of our God over which to marvel and give thanks. His grace is what is getting me through each day. His plan will someday be revealed. I am trusting that I am where I need to be right now....being still...learning....knowing better.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Enemy
Sunday morning was really difficult. It was the three month anniversary of Bonnie's step into heaven. The entire latter portion of the week had been difficult, except for Saturday afternoon when several of the church members helped with clearing brush from the cemetery border.
I've thought a lot about why those several days were so difficult
It seems to me satan doesn't much appreciate it when he feels someone is on the right track toward God.
The previous entry in this blog got a lot of attention. I've had several people say that it made them think about their priorities and that perhaps they needed to change them.
I don't really know how all of these things work, but I can just imagine that satan wasn't too pleased with that entry. I have a feeling he came at me hard because of it. He wanted to shake my faith, my thankfulness and make me question that entry. Perhaps that is why the latter part of the week was so difficult.
As the church service was ending on Sunday I was really struggling. A lady in the row behind me came around the row, stood beside me and put her arm around me. After church several of my friends talked with me out on the lawn. As the afternoon wore on, I began to recover.
I realized one reason the week had been so difficult was that I'd somehow lost my thankfulness for all the wonderful years I'd had with Bonnie. I was focusing on my loss, not on the blessings I'd had for so long. I was focusing on me rather than on the one who'd given me those undeserved blessings. My priorities had already slipped. Satan was at work to win back the ground he'd lost.
Due to that difficult, bitter-sweet church service and some wonderful people of the church, my priorities realigned as they should have been. The day improved and I was once again able to give God the glory he deserved and to praise Him for his grace.
As I shared these feelings with my good friend Glenn this morning, he reminded me of this scripture...
I Peter 5:8 "Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
Glenn went on to remind me of this old hymn:
"Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done."
He closed by saying: "It is amazing how often scripture tells us to be thankful. When we do this it turns our hearts toward God. The enemy doesn't like that!"
Stretching the point? I don't think so. Do you?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Priorities
This morning I awoke at 4:30 knowing I would not go back to sleep. I began to think about the things I had planned to do today and realized I just didn't care about doing them. They just didn't matter to me. These are things that I've always enjoyed doing. Things I loved to do. Things I enjoyed sharing with Bonnie. Now that she is no longer here, the things I loved matter no longer. She was, in fact what mattered to me and sharing them with her gave those things meaning.
By about 5:15 Hobo decided it was time to start his day. After taking him outside I returned to the living room and picked up the little devotional book "At His Feet" that I've referred to before.
I began to read. I was captivated and thrown into deep thought. One day's devotional led to another and another. Before I knew it I'd gone through almost two week's worth and each one fit perfectly with the day before. More importantly, I felt as if they were speaking directly to me.
The devotionals moved from "The Devil's Test" to "The Greatest Prize" to "Jesus Rivals" to "Always on the Road" to "A New Family" to "No Greater Reward" to "Blessing in Service" to "Channels of Blessing" to "Above Our Worries" to First Things First" to The Mistrust of Anxiety" to "God's Pleasure in Persistence". I won't explain each one. I'll leave that to you to read for yourself. What I do hope to explain is how they spoke to me this morning.
The beginning devotional confirmed that satan is constantly attempting to disrupt our praise of God and our faithfulness to Him. I've spoken of the effects of grief and how it feels like evil. That is satan at work and he will use grief, happiness, anything to get us to take our eyes and our hearts off of Jesus.
As the devotionals moved forward I was shocked at a realization that came to me. We all know that God wants us to put HIM first in our hearts and our lives. We are taught that, but it is not easy to practice. Referring to Matthew 13:45-46, a devotional closed with this question: "What is the pearl in your life?" My pearl had been Bonnie. Doesn't that sound about right when you read back on these and the Caring Bridge entries? It is the description of a beautifu love story between Bonnie and me. It was wonderful. What is wrong with that? Nothing, except that I realize I had my priorities wrong.
Bonnie loved me more than I ever deserved. I know she did. I also know that I was not her top priority. God was and is. I was never jealous of that. Unfortunately, I hadn't gotten to that point in my journey. She wanted that for me. I know she did. She's even told some of you that she did. She was my pearl. She would be the first to rejoice in hearing me say that I had my priorities wrong.
As I struggle along in my very changed journey, my previous priorities have been ripped from me. They are no longer important at all. What was once important is just a way to get through another day. As in Ecclesiastes 1:2, Painting, carpentry, looking for a boat....meaningless....because my pearl is gone. Temporary pearls are not where our priorities should be.
To have loved Bonnie so much was not wrong. To have not put my devotion to God before my devotion to her was.
Now, my challenge, my hope, my prayer is that my future will see God as my first devotion. When that happens my priorities will be correct on the remainder of this journey and those priorities will not be meaningless.
By about 5:15 Hobo decided it was time to start his day. After taking him outside I returned to the living room and picked up the little devotional book "At His Feet" that I've referred to before.
I began to read. I was captivated and thrown into deep thought. One day's devotional led to another and another. Before I knew it I'd gone through almost two week's worth and each one fit perfectly with the day before. More importantly, I felt as if they were speaking directly to me.
The devotionals moved from "The Devil's Test" to "The Greatest Prize" to "Jesus Rivals" to "Always on the Road" to "A New Family" to "No Greater Reward" to "Blessing in Service" to "Channels of Blessing" to "Above Our Worries" to First Things First" to The Mistrust of Anxiety" to "God's Pleasure in Persistence". I won't explain each one. I'll leave that to you to read for yourself. What I do hope to explain is how they spoke to me this morning.
The beginning devotional confirmed that satan is constantly attempting to disrupt our praise of God and our faithfulness to Him. I've spoken of the effects of grief and how it feels like evil. That is satan at work and he will use grief, happiness, anything to get us to take our eyes and our hearts off of Jesus.
As the devotionals moved forward I was shocked at a realization that came to me. We all know that God wants us to put HIM first in our hearts and our lives. We are taught that, but it is not easy to practice. Referring to Matthew 13:45-46, a devotional closed with this question: "What is the pearl in your life?" My pearl had been Bonnie. Doesn't that sound about right when you read back on these and the Caring Bridge entries? It is the description of a beautifu love story between Bonnie and me. It was wonderful. What is wrong with that? Nothing, except that I realize I had my priorities wrong.
Bonnie loved me more than I ever deserved. I know she did. I also know that I was not her top priority. God was and is. I was never jealous of that. Unfortunately, I hadn't gotten to that point in my journey. She wanted that for me. I know she did. She's even told some of you that she did. She was my pearl. She would be the first to rejoice in hearing me say that I had my priorities wrong.
As I struggle along in my very changed journey, my previous priorities have been ripped from me. They are no longer important at all. What was once important is just a way to get through another day. As in Ecclesiastes 1:2, Painting, carpentry, looking for a boat....meaningless....because my pearl is gone. Temporary pearls are not where our priorities should be.
To have loved Bonnie so much was not wrong. To have not put my devotion to God before my devotion to her was.
Now, my challenge, my hope, my prayer is that my future will see God as my first devotion. When that happens my priorities will be correct on the remainder of this journey and those priorities will not be meaningless.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Happy Birthday
I am using the daily devotional that Bonnie gave me as the basis for my bible study each morning. Today led me to Jesus' prayer in John 17. As He comes near the end of that prayer He prays, in Verse 24: "Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world."
Some bibles, including the NIV say "Father I want" or "Father I desire". King James is quoted above and is clearer that it is Jesus WILL that believers be with Him where He is.
The NIV study bible calls this verse "His (Jesus') last will and testament for his followers." How wonderful that is to think about. If we, in this fallen world, consider a Last Will and Testament to be a legally binding document, how much more would God consider it to be so for His Son? If Jesus WILLS that to us, then who can take it away?
What a comforting way for me, or anyone, to start this rainy, cold, winter morning. It is Jesus WILL that Bonnie behold His glory this morning. It is not cold or rainy or winter where she is. She is experiencing His Glory!!! How wonderful for her. How wonderful for me to know that. How wonderful for all of us to have that given to us as Jesus' Last Will and Testament.
I miss Bonnie terribly. I am no longer who I was because a very significant part of myself is no longer with me. There are still times I find it difficult to breathe. But, because of Jesus' WILL, I can continue to do so. I know Bonnie is experiencing His Glory and that was the goal of her life. That gives me peace. I can, as those waves of grief crash into me, give thanks for having had her as my wife for so long. Because of HIS grace.....
Last Saturday was a wonderful, joyful event. Lexi turned one year old on Friday and there was a birthday party in her honor on Saturday. Shelley and I both experienced a bittersweet day on Friday but then Saturday's party came along. What a great day it was. Lexi was in her element. She just beamed all day long.
I don't know how Heaven works. I don't know if there is a way for the Saints to see back to earth. But, I can imagine that is possible (with God anything is). If it is possible, I know Bonnie was smiling, laughing and oh-so-very-very pleased with her daughter, son-in-law and her beautiful precious Granddaughter. I know I was. I am. She is too.
Some bibles, including the NIV say "Father I want" or "Father I desire". King James is quoted above and is clearer that it is Jesus WILL that believers be with Him where He is.
The NIV study bible calls this verse "His (Jesus') last will and testament for his followers." How wonderful that is to think about. If we, in this fallen world, consider a Last Will and Testament to be a legally binding document, how much more would God consider it to be so for His Son? If Jesus WILLS that to us, then who can take it away?
What a comforting way for me, or anyone, to start this rainy, cold, winter morning. It is Jesus WILL that Bonnie behold His glory this morning. It is not cold or rainy or winter where she is. She is experiencing His Glory!!! How wonderful for her. How wonderful for me to know that. How wonderful for all of us to have that given to us as Jesus' Last Will and Testament.
I miss Bonnie terribly. I am no longer who I was because a very significant part of myself is no longer with me. There are still times I find it difficult to breathe. But, because of Jesus' WILL, I can continue to do so. I know Bonnie is experiencing His Glory and that was the goal of her life. That gives me peace. I can, as those waves of grief crash into me, give thanks for having had her as my wife for so long. Because of HIS grace.....
Last Saturday was a wonderful, joyful event. Lexi turned one year old on Friday and there was a birthday party in her honor on Saturday. Shelley and I both experienced a bittersweet day on Friday but then Saturday's party came along. What a great day it was. Lexi was in her element. She just beamed all day long.
I don't know how Heaven works. I don't know if there is a way for the Saints to see back to earth. But, I can imagine that is possible (with God anything is). If it is possible, I know Bonnie was smiling, laughing and oh-so-very-very pleased with her daughter, son-in-law and her beautiful precious Granddaughter. I know I was. I am. She is too.
Friday, January 14, 2011
"At His Feet"
It has been one week since my last post. This has been an "improvement" over previous weeks. At least I believe it has. The meltdowns have been fewer and less deep. There are some reasons that I'll try to explain in this entry.
These reasons are not easy to explain. I am not sure I fully comprehend them and certainly cannot adequately explain them. Further, I am not positive they are permanent and they certainly have not put me on a steady and confident platform. They have, however, given me a platform on which to stand this week.
Let me start out by stating that the only reason for my standing is that my platform has been God. No apologies. No bragging. Nothing except a complete dependence upon Him to get me through this week. He has done so.
You may wonder, if I am depending upon God and believe He is the reason I am able to continue, why I would say I am not positive the changes are permanent and that I am not confident they will continue. The reason for that statement is not that I believe God is temporary or part-time. HE is permanent, unchanging, omnipotent. I am the temporary, weak, shaky part of the equation. I just do not know myself very well as "me". I am not confident in what I can and cannot do.....and that includes depending upon God to get me through. I believe that if I do that He will be there....I just don't have confidence in my own ability to do that very difficult thing. Perhaps that is what HE is teaching me.
Do you remember my writing about the little devotional book that Bonnie gave me for Christmas....of 2009...the book that sat unopened on my shelf until Christmas...2010? What a wonderful gift she gave me.
This morning's devotional explained some of what I have experienced this week and over the past couple of years. There are two sentences that I want to share, although the entire devotional is priceless for anyone. It is how Bonnie lived her life and is living now. It is a short synopsis of what I have experienced and am experiencing. If you go back through my entries here and on Caring Bridge you may recognize this journey.
"(God) does not at first fashion us for usefulness. He fashions us for knowing Him." Do you remember how hard I prayed while Bonnie was hospitalized? I HAD to know God was there and that He was going to take care of her eternally. He wanted me to know Him. He allowed me to do so.
The devotional later states: "He first wants us at His feet. Above all, He wants us to learn from Him." That is where Bonnie stayed during her life on this earth and where she is now...at His feet...learning from Him.
I am discovering from her friends how strongly Bonnie wanted me and Shelley to be there at His feet with her, learning from Him. I admit I was not fully there. I do, however, feel that is where I needed to be and pray that I will be now and forever.
Do you remember how I've described the day that Hobo adopted me? He was cold, wet, tired and hungry. He was at the end of his ability to care for himself. I stopped the car, called to him and he slowly, carefully, painfully came to my feet. He didn't look up at me. He just laid down at my feet. He submitted himself to my care....completely. I now do my best to care for him and protect him. If danger comes his way...coyotes, larger dogs...I am there for him to run them away. He knows that if he calls on me with his loud 'beagle' voice I'll help him.
This is, perhaps, a silly analogy of my last week. But it does illustrate a point. I am broken and at the end of my rope. I have submitted myself to God and I must depend upon Him to get me through. He has done so this week. Further, I have discovered a weapon we have available to us. An all powerful one. Jesus. In His name, evil leaves us.
When I've felt the evil of a grievous meltdown coming this past week I have told it to begone in Jesus name and have immediately thanked God for all the years of blessing I had with Bonnie. I've praised Him all week for giving me the exact woman I needed and for allowing me to be with her when I was totally undeserving. Evil leaves in the face of Jesus.
Satan didn't leave permanently. He kept coming back at me this week. Depression lurked around every corner. Loneliness was waiting everywhere. But, every time I felt it coming I'd use Jesus name and His power to get through. Then, by praising Him and giving thanks to Him, the depression lessened, the loneliness receded. I was able to breathe in a relatively normal manner.
As this week closes, it is but one in a long line. It is, after all a journey. The journey continues. I pray I will continue the journey at his feet...learning. I pray you will too.
These reasons are not easy to explain. I am not sure I fully comprehend them and certainly cannot adequately explain them. Further, I am not positive they are permanent and they certainly have not put me on a steady and confident platform. They have, however, given me a platform on which to stand this week.
Let me start out by stating that the only reason for my standing is that my platform has been God. No apologies. No bragging. Nothing except a complete dependence upon Him to get me through this week. He has done so.
You may wonder, if I am depending upon God and believe He is the reason I am able to continue, why I would say I am not positive the changes are permanent and that I am not confident they will continue. The reason for that statement is not that I believe God is temporary or part-time. HE is permanent, unchanging, omnipotent. I am the temporary, weak, shaky part of the equation. I just do not know myself very well as "me". I am not confident in what I can and cannot do.....and that includes depending upon God to get me through. I believe that if I do that He will be there....I just don't have confidence in my own ability to do that very difficult thing. Perhaps that is what HE is teaching me.
Do you remember my writing about the little devotional book that Bonnie gave me for Christmas....of 2009...the book that sat unopened on my shelf until Christmas...2010? What a wonderful gift she gave me.
This morning's devotional explained some of what I have experienced this week and over the past couple of years. There are two sentences that I want to share, although the entire devotional is priceless for anyone. It is how Bonnie lived her life and is living now. It is a short synopsis of what I have experienced and am experiencing. If you go back through my entries here and on Caring Bridge you may recognize this journey.
"(God) does not at first fashion us for usefulness. He fashions us for knowing Him." Do you remember how hard I prayed while Bonnie was hospitalized? I HAD to know God was there and that He was going to take care of her eternally. He wanted me to know Him. He allowed me to do so.
The devotional later states: "He first wants us at His feet. Above all, He wants us to learn from Him." That is where Bonnie stayed during her life on this earth and where she is now...at His feet...learning from Him.
I am discovering from her friends how strongly Bonnie wanted me and Shelley to be there at His feet with her, learning from Him. I admit I was not fully there. I do, however, feel that is where I needed to be and pray that I will be now and forever.
Do you remember how I've described the day that Hobo adopted me? He was cold, wet, tired and hungry. He was at the end of his ability to care for himself. I stopped the car, called to him and he slowly, carefully, painfully came to my feet. He didn't look up at me. He just laid down at my feet. He submitted himself to my care....completely. I now do my best to care for him and protect him. If danger comes his way...coyotes, larger dogs...I am there for him to run them away. He knows that if he calls on me with his loud 'beagle' voice I'll help him.
This is, perhaps, a silly analogy of my last week. But it does illustrate a point. I am broken and at the end of my rope. I have submitted myself to God and I must depend upon Him to get me through. He has done so this week. Further, I have discovered a weapon we have available to us. An all powerful one. Jesus. In His name, evil leaves us.
When I've felt the evil of a grievous meltdown coming this past week I have told it to begone in Jesus name and have immediately thanked God for all the years of blessing I had with Bonnie. I've praised Him all week for giving me the exact woman I needed and for allowing me to be with her when I was totally undeserving. Evil leaves in the face of Jesus.
Satan didn't leave permanently. He kept coming back at me this week. Depression lurked around every corner. Loneliness was waiting everywhere. But, every time I felt it coming I'd use Jesus name and His power to get through. Then, by praising Him and giving thanks to Him, the depression lessened, the loneliness receded. I was able to breathe in a relatively normal manner.
As this week closes, it is but one in a long line. It is, after all a journey. The journey continues. I pray I will continue the journey at his feet...learning. I pray you will too.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Procrastination and Refuge
For some reason this week has been extremely difficult. I thought I was doing better on Tuesday afternoon when I got to go out on the bass boat with Hobo. The weather was beautiful and the sun seemed to warm my soul. Then yesterday I went to B'ham to be with the kids. That was great. 24 hours with "my girls".
On the way home, I stopped at Sam's Club. Walking through those aisles by myself crushed me. I wanted to say things to Bonnie...comment on something...hear her laugh at the stupid things I'd come up with. Never again, ever. It was hard to get the key in the ignition for the tears.
As I was driving home I turned on the radio which I seldom do. (I'd thought early on that the music helped, but it doesn't.)
I was in Bonnie's little Patriot and I reached above the sun visor to grab a CD that I knew was up there. It is a sermon by an outstanding preacher from our church in Franklin/Brentwood TN. I slid it into the slot and it wouldn't play. The message on the display was "no audio found"?!?!?
I tried a musical CD and it worked but I wasn't interested in that. So, I found a Christian station with a preacher I could listen to. During his sermon the radio preacher said something to the effect that procrastination is a fine tool of Satan. When God puts something on our heart to do we should do it immediately.
The reason this is so stunning is that I was driving along in tears, asking God to help me through the next few minutes, let alone the next 20 years. I had to talk to someone about it. I was sinking fast. I picked up the phone to text an SOS to a friend (I know...texting and driving a no no but....) As I grabbed the phone, it rang. I almost dropped the thing when it vibrated.
It was a friend and client of 20 years. He is a devout Christian and just a wonderful guy. He said God had placed me on his heart that morning and he was calling to check on me. We talked as I drove for almost an hour. By the end of our talking I found I was breathing again. God had, through Glenn, given me a calm that allowed me to function.
If Glenn had hesitated, I truly don't know what I would have done. Satan lost that round because Glenn didn't hesitate. He acted. I will be forever grateful for his doing so.
I am breathing again and was able to take a few steps yesterday afternoon. I did some painting that had been begging for a long time (I keep finding those things that I'd had to put off for so long)
Today. and over the weekend, I'll help my sister and brother in law move back to Hernando from Pickwick. I hate to see them leaving this area but the work will keep me busy.
My prayer is that God will continue to carry me along until I can walk again on my own. Like the poem "Footprints In The Sand", I look forward to seeing two sets of footprints again and not having to rely on God to carry me.
Perhaps, however, that is His goal....to make me depend completely on Him and not require two sets of footprints. Maybe my prayer should be for me to learn how to do THAT!
Maybe, when I feel those times of depression coming on, I should just stop what I'm doing, hit my knees and pray. I'd been praying so very hard on the road yesterday for Him to intervene....and the phone rang from someone I hadn't talked to since before Bonnie died. I'd emptied my heart to God and He answered me with a phone call.....
Today, as I was writing this entry, Glenn sent me an e-mail. In it was..
Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God
is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my
salvation, my stronghold."
is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my
salvation, my stronghold."
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I Will Try
This is not a post that I planned to write. In fact, my finger is poised above the delete button now. This post is written not for sympathy. I am writing this because I think others who may face a loss such as mine should be made aware of what to expect. I am also writing it so that someone may become aware of what another is experiencing and be better able to assist them.
My good friend from high school called me yesterday morning and we talked for a long time. During that conversation she shared with me some of her journey through the loss of her son and how it had affected her daughters as well. One of the things that stuck with me was that she advised her daughters to not let the loss of their brother define them. They would absolutely be different people because of their loss, but that the loss itself should not define who they would become. What sage advice that was for them and for me.
I will write more about that in a minute. But now, I want to tell you about the rest of my day in hopes that if you ever face this time in your life, or if you know someone who does, it might help you to understand your situation or theirs.
Yesterday morning was full of contact with others. Most of my days are not since I live on the edge of the lake in the middle of nowhere. My friend called. A neighbor stopped by. Shelley checked in.
Hobo and I took a long walk up the lane and down the beach. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The fog had lifted and the day was crystal clear. The fog had frozen on the tree tops and they glistened like diamonds. The crystals were being blown out of the trees and landed on my face much as falling snow does when you look up at it. It was beautiful and I imagined Bonnie smiling down and then realized what she saw was even more breathtaking than this. It made me smile.
The afternoon wore on however. I was working around the house as I usually do. It was as if the fog of the morning had crept into my heart. The longer the afternoon went on, the darker, the thicker, the more ominous the fog became. It became the worst afternoon, evening and night since losing Bonnie.
I lay on the floor for over an hour just holding onto Hobo. He does not like to be restrained, but last night he was content. He senses my pain and allowes for it. Finally, I went to bed early, thinking I could sleep this off. As I lay there looking out at what had always been the soothing beauty of the black water and the lights reflecting off of it, my depression continued to deepen. My heart literally hurt. Not figuratively...this was a physical ache and it was not a 'heart attack'. It was an attack of the heart.
This was a loneliness that I cannot describe. Something tangible and frightening, quite honestly. I wondered how a heart can continue to beat steadily when it is in so much pain.
The part that I've not previously shared in my writing, but that others who are in this club understand and have shared with me, is that we do not care if our hearts stop beating. There is no longer a fear of death, but rather a longing for it. We do not see ourselves being able to endure this existence for long and we do not want to.
I tell you this for several reasons, but not for sympathy. Truly, not for sympathy. What I pray will happen by my doing so is understanding.
Prior to October 30, 2010, when others have experienced losses such as mine, I had absolutely no idea what they were going through. I'm not sure many of us can imagine. I know that my friends who are in this club do not speak of it outside of the club. I'm beginning to understand that this is wrong. Others need to know what to expect and what others are going through.
I've not understood. I've assumed incorrectly. I've said the wrong things. I've probably done more harm than good when others are in such pain. Not because I intended to, but out of ignorance.
I've heard grief called a "process" as if it had been designed in a shop or office. I've heard people say we "get over it" with time as if it were a cold or flu. Those are incorrect, shallow comments made by those who do not fully comprehend. There are terribly difficult times associated with some levels of grief. People need to understand that these difficulties are 'normal' as well. But to call them a process for someone in the middle of grief does not help them. In addition, my fellow club members tell me we do not 'get over it' with time. We adapt. We change. We continue to breathe. But we don't 'get over it' and return to our lives as we were. We will never, ever be the same. We need to understand that so that we are not disappointed, disillusioned, destroyed when we don't 'return to normal'. What was normal for us is no longer.
My friend's advice to her daughters is absolutely right on. She told them to not let this loss define them. I thought about that last night as I tried to go to sleep. What should define my future if not the loss of the one I love so profoundly?
I think Shelley explained it best one day over Christmas. In her wisdom that is far beyond her years and through tears brought by her pain, she said that we should strive to be who her Mom wanted us to be. She told me in effect to be defined by my life with Bonnie and by who she wanted me to be....not by her death.
That will be my goal. I will try.
I pray that this entry will bring some understanding to others. I pray that the understanding will be helpful, not hurtful. I pray that this entry along with all the others will somehow, someway bring glory to God. That was Bonnie's goal...bringing Him glory. That was what she wanted for me as well. For that I will try.
Perhaps that trying and that understanding are other "treasures of darkness" Isaiah 45:3.
My good friend from high school called me yesterday morning and we talked for a long time. During that conversation she shared with me some of her journey through the loss of her son and how it had affected her daughters as well. One of the things that stuck with me was that she advised her daughters to not let the loss of their brother define them. They would absolutely be different people because of their loss, but that the loss itself should not define who they would become. What sage advice that was for them and for me.
I will write more about that in a minute. But now, I want to tell you about the rest of my day in hopes that if you ever face this time in your life, or if you know someone who does, it might help you to understand your situation or theirs.
Yesterday morning was full of contact with others. Most of my days are not since I live on the edge of the lake in the middle of nowhere. My friend called. A neighbor stopped by. Shelley checked in.
Hobo and I took a long walk up the lane and down the beach. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The fog had lifted and the day was crystal clear. The fog had frozen on the tree tops and they glistened like diamonds. The crystals were being blown out of the trees and landed on my face much as falling snow does when you look up at it. It was beautiful and I imagined Bonnie smiling down and then realized what she saw was even more breathtaking than this. It made me smile.
The afternoon wore on however. I was working around the house as I usually do. It was as if the fog of the morning had crept into my heart. The longer the afternoon went on, the darker, the thicker, the more ominous the fog became. It became the worst afternoon, evening and night since losing Bonnie.
I lay on the floor for over an hour just holding onto Hobo. He does not like to be restrained, but last night he was content. He senses my pain and allowes for it. Finally, I went to bed early, thinking I could sleep this off. As I lay there looking out at what had always been the soothing beauty of the black water and the lights reflecting off of it, my depression continued to deepen. My heart literally hurt. Not figuratively...this was a physical ache and it was not a 'heart attack'. It was an attack of the heart.
This was a loneliness that I cannot describe. Something tangible and frightening, quite honestly. I wondered how a heart can continue to beat steadily when it is in so much pain.
The part that I've not previously shared in my writing, but that others who are in this club understand and have shared with me, is that we do not care if our hearts stop beating. There is no longer a fear of death, but rather a longing for it. We do not see ourselves being able to endure this existence for long and we do not want to.
I tell you this for several reasons, but not for sympathy. Truly, not for sympathy. What I pray will happen by my doing so is understanding.
Prior to October 30, 2010, when others have experienced losses such as mine, I had absolutely no idea what they were going through. I'm not sure many of us can imagine. I know that my friends who are in this club do not speak of it outside of the club. I'm beginning to understand that this is wrong. Others need to know what to expect and what others are going through.
I've not understood. I've assumed incorrectly. I've said the wrong things. I've probably done more harm than good when others are in such pain. Not because I intended to, but out of ignorance.
I've heard grief called a "process" as if it had been designed in a shop or office. I've heard people say we "get over it" with time as if it were a cold or flu. Those are incorrect, shallow comments made by those who do not fully comprehend. There are terribly difficult times associated with some levels of grief. People need to understand that these difficulties are 'normal' as well. But to call them a process for someone in the middle of grief does not help them. In addition, my fellow club members tell me we do not 'get over it' with time. We adapt. We change. We continue to breathe. But we don't 'get over it' and return to our lives as we were. We will never, ever be the same. We need to understand that so that we are not disappointed, disillusioned, destroyed when we don't 'return to normal'. What was normal for us is no longer.
My friend's advice to her daughters is absolutely right on. She told them to not let this loss define them. I thought about that last night as I tried to go to sleep. What should define my future if not the loss of the one I love so profoundly?
I think Shelley explained it best one day over Christmas. In her wisdom that is far beyond her years and through tears brought by her pain, she said that we should strive to be who her Mom wanted us to be. She told me in effect to be defined by my life with Bonnie and by who she wanted me to be....not by her death.
That will be my goal. I will try.
I pray that this entry will bring some understanding to others. I pray that the understanding will be helpful, not hurtful. I pray that this entry along with all the others will somehow, someway bring glory to God. That was Bonnie's goal...bringing Him glory. That was what she wanted for me as well. For that I will try.
Perhaps that trying and that understanding are other "treasures of darkness" Isaiah 45:3.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Gift
I've attempted to write several times since my last entry. Those attempts ended with the delete button. It is not that I do not have anything I want to say. It is that the "holiday season" has made it impossible for me to find something in my heart to say that is appropriate for this space.
"Grief professionals" warn us that this time of year is difficult for those of us in this club. The friends I've talked with in the club told me to be prepared for a tough time, to have a plan, to brace myself. These warnings, while accurate in their aim, were like shooting a bb gun when a howitzer was needed.
I am, quite honestly, still struggling to recover some sense of stability, direction and strength. My intention is not to describe the depth nor the intensity to which the holidays drove my grief. I have no description that would make sense to anyone other than those in this club. You would just worry that I've lost my mind...and perhaps I have...but more accurately, I've lost a piece of my heart....the part of it that was filled with Bonnie.
Do you remember my mentioning Bonnie's Christmas present to me from last year? The one that had been sitting unread on my desk for a year? The daily devotional that appeared to fit my hands and my heart? I was so disoriented on January 1 that I forgot to read it. Then, today I determined that I should begin. I am so very glad I did.
I NEED to get back into the Word. This little book...Bonnie's Christmas present to me...is helping me to realize a tiny sense of stability. Perhaps, "The Word" is how this ship of mine can be righted. Bonnie is still at work in my life, isn't she? Her work continues. His work continues through her.
As I read January 1 and then January 2 just to catch up, I couldn't stop. I read January 3 and 4. I needed each message and I can't help but wonder if that will continue throughout the year.
As my grief continues; as my pain lives on; as my loneliness even increases and the hole in my heart does not heal, I find myself asking God for more proof. Proof not that He exists, for He has proven that to me. But proof that Bonnie is there with Him; that the smile she gave me when she left was an assurance that she was going where she had worked all of her life to go; for proof that I will also be there with her someday.
I guess I'm just someone who finds belief difficult without proof. The world has a way of doing that to us, doesn't it? The trust of a child gets beaten away. But yet, we are called to trust as a child...completely and unconditionally.
I am wrong to ask for more proof. I know that in my brain. It is my heart that is so wounded.
I am thinking on that smile Bonnie gave me as she left me. Why 'on earth' would she have done so? Why, other than as an assurance of what she saw and where she was going, would she have done so? Why is that not enough proof for me?
I'm thinking on that this morning. I am praying for my heart to accept that gift from her, from Him, as all the proof necessary to know she is well and that I am going to be with her also....and so are you....if we believe and follow Him. What a gift.
"Grief professionals" warn us that this time of year is difficult for those of us in this club. The friends I've talked with in the club told me to be prepared for a tough time, to have a plan, to brace myself. These warnings, while accurate in their aim, were like shooting a bb gun when a howitzer was needed.
I am, quite honestly, still struggling to recover some sense of stability, direction and strength. My intention is not to describe the depth nor the intensity to which the holidays drove my grief. I have no description that would make sense to anyone other than those in this club. You would just worry that I've lost my mind...and perhaps I have...but more accurately, I've lost a piece of my heart....the part of it that was filled with Bonnie.
Do you remember my mentioning Bonnie's Christmas present to me from last year? The one that had been sitting unread on my desk for a year? The daily devotional that appeared to fit my hands and my heart? I was so disoriented on January 1 that I forgot to read it. Then, today I determined that I should begin. I am so very glad I did.
I NEED to get back into the Word. This little book...Bonnie's Christmas present to me...is helping me to realize a tiny sense of stability. Perhaps, "The Word" is how this ship of mine can be righted. Bonnie is still at work in my life, isn't she? Her work continues. His work continues through her.
As I read January 1 and then January 2 just to catch up, I couldn't stop. I read January 3 and 4. I needed each message and I can't help but wonder if that will continue throughout the year.
As my grief continues; as my pain lives on; as my loneliness even increases and the hole in my heart does not heal, I find myself asking God for more proof. Proof not that He exists, for He has proven that to me. But proof that Bonnie is there with Him; that the smile she gave me when she left was an assurance that she was going where she had worked all of her life to go; for proof that I will also be there with her someday.
I guess I'm just someone who finds belief difficult without proof. The world has a way of doing that to us, doesn't it? The trust of a child gets beaten away. But yet, we are called to trust as a child...completely and unconditionally.
I am wrong to ask for more proof. I know that in my brain. It is my heart that is so wounded.
I am thinking on that smile Bonnie gave me as she left me. Why 'on earth' would she have done so? Why, other than as an assurance of what she saw and where she was going, would she have done so? Why is that not enough proof for me?
I'm thinking on that this morning. I am praying for my heart to accept that gift from her, from Him, as all the proof necessary to know she is well and that I am going to be with her also....and so are you....if we believe and follow Him. What a gift.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Real Christmas Story
I had not planned to write an entry today. I was busy staying busy as I try to be to keep from thinking too much about the upcoming holiday. The Christmas that the world has created puts so much pressure on us to be "Merry" (in its definition) that we can lose the joy of the Real Christmas Story. When we focus on the presents, the football games, the trees, the parties and even the birth of Jesus, we can miss the real Christmas story...the story that should put joy into Christmas for anyone.
Because of the Real Christmas Story I can have joy this Christmas. I may not be "Merry", but I can still be joyful over what this time of year really means. You see, because of "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say, I am assured of someday being reunited with Bonnie and all believers.
Would you please take just four minutes to view the attached video? I received it on Facebook from my friend Jamie Statema of "GO FISH". Thank you Jamie for sharing it with me.
Before you open your presents, before you even go to the candle light service at your church, please watch this video. (Just click on the link below. It should redirect you to the video.) I believe it will help you to understand and capture the true joy that Christmas should bring.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVsTCxUlZLU&feature=player_embedded
Because of the Real Christmas Story I can have joy this Christmas. I may not be "Merry", but I can still be joyful over what this time of year really means. You see, because of "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say, I am assured of someday being reunited with Bonnie and all believers.
Would you please take just four minutes to view the attached video? I received it on Facebook from my friend Jamie Statema of "GO FISH". Thank you Jamie for sharing it with me.
Before you open your presents, before you even go to the candle light service at your church, please watch this video. (Just click on the link below. It should redirect you to the video.) I believe it will help you to understand and capture the true joy that Christmas should bring.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVsTCxUlZLU&feature=player_embedded
Monday, December 20, 2010
At His Feet
I am embarrassed to say that, this morning, I opened a book that has been sitting unopened on my desk for almost exactly a year. It is a beautiful leather-bound book. Bonnie gave it to me last Christmas. It is called "At His Feet". It is a daily devotional. I was captivated by it from the moment I picked it off the shelf.
The binding just felt right. Like an old pair of shoes....it just fit my hands. From working around this cabin, my hands are much rougher than this binding. It is smooth and soft. It just feels...well, "right".
As I opened the little book, I wasn't sure at all what to expect from it. I've been disappointed in daily devotionals from time to time, but I should have known this one would be special. Think about who gave it to me and when. Her last Christmas on earth and this was one of her last Christmas presents to me. I should have known.
I am one of those people who will read the first page of a book and then sometimes turn to the last page and read it. I remember the first time I determined to read the bible from cover to cover. I read Revelation first. I was glad I did.
This morning, I opened the little book to January 1. How do you suppose this little devotional is going to start my year in 2011? The title of the entry is "Ultimate Authority" and the scripture is REVELATION 22:13 "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End".
Well then. We might as well get that straight on the front end. If you are going to commit to follow someone or something for an entire year, that someone or something should be pretty special. HE IS. I was captivated.
I naturally turned to the last entry to see how it would end the year. The title is "Final Product" and the scripture is Luke 6:40 "Everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." While I cannot expect to be fully trained in one year, I can pray that I will be more like my teacher. This little book may be one way in which HE is planning to teach me?
Now I was really interested in this book. As a natural way, at least to me, to test this book, I turned to today's entry. December 21. What would the title be? What would it have to say? What do you suppose?
"FIRST LOVE" and the scripture is Revelation 2:4. "You have forsaken your first love". When I read the title, I gasped. Then when I read the scripture and the page below it, I realized God had put this book on that shelf, through Bonnie, for today; as a way for me to begin planning my next year; as a way to "remember Bonnie and honor Him".
When I read the title, I naturally thought of Bonnie. As I read the scripture I thought of Him. As I continued to read the words on today's entry, I thought of both of them together. Can you imagine Bonnie with her first true love? (I was her second. I knew that. That was fine with me.) She is singing His praises and He is smiling over it. What a wonderful thing to imagine.
I don't think Bonnie let her first love grow stale, do you? It grew deeper and more resolute. It grew stronger and even more supple. The roots of her love for her Lord continued to grow deep into the soil of the scripture and her branches grew toward the heavens in a way that never broke. She stayed the course and reached her goal. She has given me a goal of my own. She passed that goal on to others as well. She became more like her teacher.
Last evening as I returned to this cabin from a visit to Shelley, Ben and Lexi I knew I wanted to write an entry here. I opened this site last night but the words did not come. I took Hobo out for his last walk of the evening and looked up into the sky. It was a full moon and I needed no flashlight. I knew this was going to be a special dawn.
About 5:30 I awoke to something that Bonnie and I love about this cabin. We face West and look out over six miles of open water. The moon was setting! It was huge. The light from it shone across the lake and the reflection of it on the calm water came directly at me. I immediately thought of her. I then thought of the one who set that moon in place and told the waters "you will go this far and no farther".
Later this morning I opened that little book on my desk and read: "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End".
On this journey I am beginning to understand that things do not just happen. Unlikely men don't just happen to show up in a park. A young nurse doesn't just happen to tell me to give myself a break and go for a walk. Wives don't just happen to give their husbands a little leather-bound book that sits on a shelf for a year before being opened at the precise time it is needed. I could go on and on with these "don't just happens", but as these entries continue, I pray we will all understand better and become more like the teacher. Let's pray that for each other during 2011 and as we continue this journey....together.
The binding just felt right. Like an old pair of shoes....it just fit my hands. From working around this cabin, my hands are much rougher than this binding. It is smooth and soft. It just feels...well, "right".
As I opened the little book, I wasn't sure at all what to expect from it. I've been disappointed in daily devotionals from time to time, but I should have known this one would be special. Think about who gave it to me and when. Her last Christmas on earth and this was one of her last Christmas presents to me. I should have known.
I am one of those people who will read the first page of a book and then sometimes turn to the last page and read it. I remember the first time I determined to read the bible from cover to cover. I read Revelation first. I was glad I did.
This morning, I opened the little book to January 1. How do you suppose this little devotional is going to start my year in 2011? The title of the entry is "Ultimate Authority" and the scripture is REVELATION 22:13 "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End".
Well then. We might as well get that straight on the front end. If you are going to commit to follow someone or something for an entire year, that someone or something should be pretty special. HE IS. I was captivated.
I naturally turned to the last entry to see how it would end the year. The title is "Final Product" and the scripture is Luke 6:40 "Everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." While I cannot expect to be fully trained in one year, I can pray that I will be more like my teacher. This little book may be one way in which HE is planning to teach me?
Now I was really interested in this book. As a natural way, at least to me, to test this book, I turned to today's entry. December 21. What would the title be? What would it have to say? What do you suppose?
"FIRST LOVE" and the scripture is Revelation 2:4. "You have forsaken your first love". When I read the title, I gasped. Then when I read the scripture and the page below it, I realized God had put this book on that shelf, through Bonnie, for today; as a way for me to begin planning my next year; as a way to "remember Bonnie and honor Him".
When I read the title, I naturally thought of Bonnie. As I read the scripture I thought of Him. As I continued to read the words on today's entry, I thought of both of them together. Can you imagine Bonnie with her first true love? (I was her second. I knew that. That was fine with me.) She is singing His praises and He is smiling over it. What a wonderful thing to imagine.
I don't think Bonnie let her first love grow stale, do you? It grew deeper and more resolute. It grew stronger and even more supple. The roots of her love for her Lord continued to grow deep into the soil of the scripture and her branches grew toward the heavens in a way that never broke. She stayed the course and reached her goal. She has given me a goal of my own. She passed that goal on to others as well. She became more like her teacher.
Last evening as I returned to this cabin from a visit to Shelley, Ben and Lexi I knew I wanted to write an entry here. I opened this site last night but the words did not come. I took Hobo out for his last walk of the evening and looked up into the sky. It was a full moon and I needed no flashlight. I knew this was going to be a special dawn.
About 5:30 I awoke to something that Bonnie and I love about this cabin. We face West and look out over six miles of open water. The moon was setting! It was huge. The light from it shone across the lake and the reflection of it on the calm water came directly at me. I immediately thought of her. I then thought of the one who set that moon in place and told the waters "you will go this far and no farther".
Later this morning I opened that little book on my desk and read: "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End".
On this journey I am beginning to understand that things do not just happen. Unlikely men don't just happen to show up in a park. A young nurse doesn't just happen to tell me to give myself a break and go for a walk. Wives don't just happen to give their husbands a little leather-bound book that sits on a shelf for a year before being opened at the precise time it is needed. I could go on and on with these "don't just happens", but as these entries continue, I pray we will all understand better and become more like the teacher. Let's pray that for each other during 2011 and as we continue this journey....together.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
1 Peter 5:10
"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. "
As she closed a heartfelt and oh so helpful e-mail a friend from my past, who has suffered a terrible loss in her own life wrote: "So, keep putting one foot in front of the other for a little while longer" and then, she quoted the scripture above.
After reading that e-mail the morning slipped by. I've kept busy doing the things I felt like doing. Hobo and I have walked up to the cemetery and I've measured the water depth by the dock. I've even begun to sand sheet rock seams that have gone untended for many months as we fought Bonnie's illness and I attempt to put one foot in front of the other now.
The thinking about the e-mail and the scripture has gone on however.
The subject that began our 'discussion' was what I described to her as "hitting a wall" over the weekend. Having been a long distance runner many years ago, I knew what becoming tired was like during runs. I could, as most runners do, run through the majority of those episodes. Occasionally, however, even experienced runners will experience what we call "hitting a wall". You may have run through several, normal episodes of tiredness on a particularly long run, but then, your body just refuses to cooperate. You mind cannot make your body go on. You just can't put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, it will force you to the curb and you are finished for the day. You are exhausted. You've reached an altogether different level of tired.
That was what happened to me over the weekend....in an emotional, mental way. I hit a wall.
It had been six weeks since Bonnie's funeral. I've written a partial, surface description of the depth of my grief, and yet, it was seeming to get better. The losses of breath were occurring less often. The tears were not as plentiful as they had been. I was still missing Bonnie terribly, but I was getting better.
Then the wall. As my friend, Judy, and I corresponded about this I found she understood. She expected this to happen. She also regretted not warning me. She described it perfectly as moving from grief to longing. She described it as being like the difference between poverty and abject poverty. She said "there is 'missing someone' and there is 'yearning and longing' for them. Yearning and Longing is the superlative of missing someone". I call it a different, deeper and quite honestly, scarier level of missing someone.
It reminded me that this is not a short term prospect. This is not something that someone 'gets over' quickly...or ever. Those of us who have experienced a loss such as this want to be whole again. We want to be who we were again. We want what will never be. We will not be who we were before.
I've described it this way: Up until October 30th I had always been "US". Now I am "ME". I do not have a definition of who "ME" is. I'm not even sure if I like "ME". I will never be "US" again.
As I realized that over the weekend, I think that was what made me hit that wall. This was an entirely different prospect. It moved "missing" to a whole new level. It moved it to an understanding that I am never to be "US" again.
Then came Judy's e-mail and the equivalent of "a little yellow piece of paper". There was a scripture. There was a promise....."After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. "
This promise told me that no, I won't ever be "US" again on this earth, but, Christ is not finished with me yet. He has not abandoned me just because I feel a yearning or longing. He won't throw me away. This period of time to me is long, but compared to eternity it is but "a little while".
For now, I'll just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. And, after "a little while"....
As she closed a heartfelt and oh so helpful e-mail a friend from my past, who has suffered a terrible loss in her own life wrote: "So, keep putting one foot in front of the other for a little while longer" and then, she quoted the scripture above.
After reading that e-mail the morning slipped by. I've kept busy doing the things I felt like doing. Hobo and I have walked up to the cemetery and I've measured the water depth by the dock. I've even begun to sand sheet rock seams that have gone untended for many months as we fought Bonnie's illness and I attempt to put one foot in front of the other now.
The thinking about the e-mail and the scripture has gone on however.
The subject that began our 'discussion' was what I described to her as "hitting a wall" over the weekend. Having been a long distance runner many years ago, I knew what becoming tired was like during runs. I could, as most runners do, run through the majority of those episodes. Occasionally, however, even experienced runners will experience what we call "hitting a wall". You may have run through several, normal episodes of tiredness on a particularly long run, but then, your body just refuses to cooperate. You mind cannot make your body go on. You just can't put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, it will force you to the curb and you are finished for the day. You are exhausted. You've reached an altogether different level of tired.
That was what happened to me over the weekend....in an emotional, mental way. I hit a wall.
It had been six weeks since Bonnie's funeral. I've written a partial, surface description of the depth of my grief, and yet, it was seeming to get better. The losses of breath were occurring less often. The tears were not as plentiful as they had been. I was still missing Bonnie terribly, but I was getting better.
Then the wall. As my friend, Judy, and I corresponded about this I found she understood. She expected this to happen. She also regretted not warning me. She described it perfectly as moving from grief to longing. She described it as being like the difference between poverty and abject poverty. She said "there is 'missing someone' and there is 'yearning and longing' for them. Yearning and Longing is the superlative of missing someone". I call it a different, deeper and quite honestly, scarier level of missing someone.
It reminded me that this is not a short term prospect. This is not something that someone 'gets over' quickly...or ever. Those of us who have experienced a loss such as this want to be whole again. We want to be who we were again. We want what will never be. We will not be who we were before.
I've described it this way: Up until October 30th I had always been "US". Now I am "ME". I do not have a definition of who "ME" is. I'm not even sure if I like "ME". I will never be "US" again.
As I realized that over the weekend, I think that was what made me hit that wall. This was an entirely different prospect. It moved "missing" to a whole new level. It moved it to an understanding that I am never to be "US" again.
Then came Judy's e-mail and the equivalent of "a little yellow piece of paper". There was a scripture. There was a promise....."After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. "
This promise told me that no, I won't ever be "US" again on this earth, but, Christ is not finished with me yet. He has not abandoned me just because I feel a yearning or longing. He won't throw me away. This period of time to me is long, but compared to eternity it is but "a little while".
For now, I'll just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. And, after "a little while"....
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