The Enemy

Sunday morning was really difficult.  It was the three month anniversary of Bonnie's step into heaven.  The entire latter portion of the week had been difficult, except for Saturday afternoon when several of the church members helped with clearing brush from the cemetery border. 

I've thought a lot about why those several days were so difficult

It seems to me satan doesn't much appreciate it when he feels someone is on the right track toward God. 

The previous entry in this blog got a lot of attention.  I've had several people say that it made them think about their priorities and that perhaps they needed to change them.

I don't really know how all of these things work, but I can just imagine that satan wasn't too pleased with that entry.  I have a feeling he came at me hard because of it.  He wanted to shake my faith, my thankfulness and make me question that entry.  Perhaps that is why the latter part of the week was so difficult.

As the church service was ending on Sunday I was really struggling.  A lady in the row behind me came around the row, stood beside me and put her arm around me.  After church several of my friends talked with me out on the lawn.  As the afternoon wore on, I began to recover. 

I realized one reason the week had been so difficult was that I'd somehow lost my thankfulness for all the wonderful years I'd had with Bonnie.  I was focusing on my loss, not on the blessings I'd had for so long.  I was focusing on me rather than on the one who'd given me those undeserved blessings.  My priorities had already slipped.  Satan was at work to win back the ground he'd lost.

Due to that difficult, bitter-sweet church service and some wonderful people of the church, my priorities realigned as they should have been.  The day improved and I was once again able to give God the glory he deserved and to praise Him for his grace. 

As I shared these feelings with my good friend Glenn this morning, he reminded me of this scripture...

I Peter 5:8 "Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 

Glenn went on to remind me of this old hymn:

"Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done."

He closed by saying: "It is amazing how often scripture tells us to be thankful.  When we do this it turns our hearts toward God.  The enemy doesn't like that!"

Stretching the point?  I don't think so.  Do you? 

Priorities

This morning I awoke at 4:30 knowing I would not go back to sleep.  I began to think about the things I had planned to do today and realized I just didn't care about doing them.  They just didn't matter to me.  These are things that I've always enjoyed doing.  Things I loved to do.  Things I enjoyed sharing with Bonnie.  Now that she is no longer here, the things I loved matter no longer.  She was, in fact what mattered to me and sharing them with her gave those things meaning.

By about 5:15 Hobo decided it was time to start his day.  After taking him outside I returned to the living room and picked up the little devotional book "At His Feet" that I've referred to before. 

I began to read.  I was captivated and thrown into deep thought.  One day's devotional led to another and another.  Before I knew it I'd gone through almost two week's worth and each one fit perfectly with the day before.  More importantly, I felt as if they were speaking directly to me.

The devotionals moved from "The Devil's Test" to "The Greatest Prize" to "Jesus Rivals" to "Always on the Road" to "A New Family" to "No Greater Reward" to "Blessing in Service" to "Channels of Blessing" to "Above Our Worries" to First Things First" to The Mistrust of Anxiety" to "God's Pleasure in Persistence".  I won't explain each one.  I'll leave that to you to read for yourself.  What I do hope to explain is how they spoke to me this morning.

The beginning devotional confirmed that satan is constantly attempting to disrupt our praise of God and our faithfulness to Him.  I've spoken of the effects of grief and how it feels like evil.  That is satan at work and he will use grief, happiness, anything to get us to take our eyes and our hearts off of Jesus.

As the devotionals moved forward I was shocked at a realization that came to me.  We all know that God wants us to put HIM first in our hearts and our lives.  We are taught that, but it is not easy to practice.  Referring to Matthew 13:45-46, a devotional closed with this question:  "What is the pearl in your life?"  My pearl had been Bonnie.  Doesn't that sound about right when you read back on these and the Caring Bridge entries?  It is the description of a beautifu love story between Bonnie and me.  It was wonderful.  What is wrong with that?  Nothing, except that I realize I had my priorities wrong. 

Bonnie loved me more than I ever deserved.  I know she did.  I also know that I was not her top priority.  God was and is.  I was never jealous of that.  Unfortunately, I hadn't gotten to that point in my journey.  She wanted that for me.  I know she did.  She's even told some of you that she did.  She was my pearl.  She would be the first to rejoice in hearing me say that I had my priorities wrong.

As I struggle along in my very changed journey, my previous priorities have been ripped from me.  They are no longer important at all.  What was once important is just a way to get through another day.  As in Ecclesiastes 1:2, Painting, carpentry, looking for a boat....meaningless....because my pearl is gone.  Temporary pearls are not where our priorities should be.

To have loved Bonnie so much was not wrong.  To have not put my devotion to God before my devotion to her was. 

Now, my challenge, my hope, my prayer is that my future will see God as my first devotion.  When that happens my priorities will be correct on the remainder of this journey and those priorities will not be meaningless.

Happy Birthday

I am using the daily devotional that Bonnie gave me as the basis for my bible study each morning.  Today  led me to Jesus' prayer in John 17.  As He comes near the end of that prayer He prays, in Verse 24:  "Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world."

Some bibles, including the NIV say "Father I want" or "Father I desire".  King James is quoted above and is clearer that it is Jesus WILL that believers be with Him where He is.

The NIV study bible calls this verse "His (Jesus') last will and testament for his followers."  How wonderful that is to think about.  If we, in this fallen world, consider a Last Will and Testament to be a legally binding document, how much more would God consider it to be so for His Son?  If Jesus WILLS that to us, then who can take it away? 

What a comforting way for me, or anyone, to start this rainy, cold, winter morning.  It is Jesus WILL that Bonnie behold His glory this morning.  It is not cold or rainy or winter where she is.  She is experiencing His Glory!!!  How wonderful for her.  How wonderful for me to know that.  How wonderful for all of us to have that given to us as Jesus' Last Will and Testament.

I miss Bonnie terribly.  I am no longer who I was because a very significant part of myself is no longer with me.  There are still times I find it difficult to breathe.  But, because of Jesus' WILL, I can continue to do so. I know Bonnie is experiencing His Glory and that was the goal of her life.  That gives me peace.  I can, as those waves of grief crash into me, give thanks for having had her as my wife for so long.  Because of HIS grace.....

Last Saturday was a wonderful, joyful event.  Lexi turned one year old on Friday and there was a birthday party in her honor on Saturday.  Shelley and I both experienced a bittersweet day on Friday but then Saturday's party came along.  What a great day it was.  Lexi was in her element.  She just beamed all day long. 

I don't know how Heaven works.  I don't know if there is a way for the Saints to see back to earth.  But, I can imagine that is possible (with God anything is).  If it is possible, I know Bonnie was smiling, laughing and oh-so-very-very pleased with her daughter, son-in-law and her beautiful precious Granddaughter.    I know I was.  I am.  She is too.

"At His Feet"

It has been one week since my last post.  This has been an "improvement" over previous weeks.  At least I believe it has.  The meltdowns have been fewer and less deep.  There are some reasons that I'll try to explain in this entry. 

These reasons are not easy to explain.  I am not sure I fully comprehend them and certainly cannot adequately explain them.  Further, I am not positive they are permanent and they certainly have not put me on a steady and confident platform.  They have, however, given me a platform on which to stand this week.

Let me start out by stating that the only reason for my standing is that my platform has been God.  No apologies.  No bragging.  Nothing except a complete dependence upon Him to get me through this week.  He has done so. 

You may wonder, if I am depending upon God and believe He is the reason I am able to continue, why I would say I am not positive the changes are permanent and that I am not confident they will continue.  The reason for that statement is not that I believe God is temporary or part-time.  HE is permanent, unchanging, omnipotent.  I am the temporary, weak, shaky part of the equation.  I just do not know myself very well as "me".  I am not confident in what I can and cannot do.....and that includes depending upon God to get me through.  I believe that if I do that He will be there....I just don't have confidence in my own ability to do that very difficult thing.  Perhaps that is what HE is teaching me.

Do you remember my writing about the little devotional book that Bonnie gave me for Christmas....of 2009...the book that sat unopened on my shelf until Christmas...2010?  What a wonderful gift she gave me. 

This morning's devotional explained some of what I have experienced this week and over the past couple of years.  There are two sentences that I want to share, although the entire devotional is priceless for anyone.  It is how Bonnie lived her life and is living now.  It is a short synopsis of what I have experienced and am experiencing.  If you go back through my entries here and on Caring Bridge you may recognize this journey.

"(God) does not at first fashion us for usefulness.  He fashions us for knowing Him."  Do you remember how hard I prayed while Bonnie was hospitalized?  I HAD to know God was there and that He was going to take care of her eternally.  He wanted me to know Him.  He allowed me to do so.   

The devotional later states:  "He first wants us at His feet.  Above all, He wants us to learn from Him."  That is where Bonnie stayed during her life on this earth and where she is now...at His feet...learning from Him. 

I am discovering from her friends how strongly Bonnie wanted me and Shelley to be there at His feet with her, learning from Him.  I admit I was not fully there.  I do, however, feel that is where I needed to be and pray that I will be now and forever.

Do you remember how I've described the day that Hobo adopted me?  He was cold, wet, tired and hungry.  He was at the end of his ability to care for himself.  I stopped the car, called to him and he slowly, carefully, painfully came to my feet.  He didn't look up at me.  He just laid down at my feet.  He submitted himself to my care....completely.  I now do my best to care for him and protect him.  If danger comes his way...coyotes, larger dogs...I am there for him to run them away.  He knows that if he calls on me with his loud 'beagle' voice I'll help him.

This is, perhaps, a silly analogy of my last week.  But it does illustrate a point.  I am broken and at the end of my rope.  I have submitted myself to God and I must depend upon Him to get me through.  He has done so this week.  Further, I have discovered a weapon we have available to us.  An all powerful one.  Jesus.  In His name, evil leaves us.

When I've felt the evil of a grievous meltdown coming this past week I have told it to begone in Jesus name and have immediately thanked God for all the years of blessing I had with Bonnie.  I've praised Him all week for giving me the exact woman I needed and for allowing me to be with her when I was totally undeserving.  Evil leaves in the face of Jesus.

Satan didn't leave permanently.  He kept coming back at me this week.  Depression lurked around every corner.  Loneliness was waiting everywhere.  But, every time I felt it coming I'd use Jesus name and His power to get through.  Then, by praising Him and giving thanks to Him, the depression lessened, the loneliness receded.  I was able to breathe in a relatively normal manner. 

As this week closes, it is but one in a long line.  It is, after all a journey.  The journey continues.  I pray I will continue the journey at his feet...learning.  I pray you will too.

Procrastination and Refuge

For some reason this week has been extremely difficult.  I thought I was doing better on Tuesday afternoon when I got to go out on the bass boat with Hobo.  The weather was beautiful and the sun seemed to warm my soul.  Then yesterday I went to B'ham to be with the kids.  That was great.  24 hours with "my girls".

 

On the way home, I stopped at Sam's Club.  Walking through those aisles by myself crushed me.  I wanted to say things to Bonnie...comment on something...hear her laugh at the stupid things I'd come up with.  Never again, ever.  It was hard to get the key in the ignition for the tears.

 

As I was driving home I turned on the radio which I seldom do.  (I'd thought early on that the music helped, but it doesn't.) 

 

I was in Bonnie's little Patriot and I reached above the sun visor to grab a CD that I knew was up there.  It is a sermon by an outstanding preacher from our church in Franklin/Brentwood TN.  I slid it into the slot and it wouldn't play.  The message on the display was "no audio found"?!?!?  

 

I tried a musical CD and it worked but I wasn't interested in that.  So, I found a Christian station with a preacher I could listen to. During his sermon the radio preacher said something to the effect that procrastination is a fine tool of Satan.  When God puts something on our heart to do we should do it immediately. 

 

The reason this is so stunning is that I was driving along in tears, asking God to help me through the next few minutes, let alone the next 20 years.  I had to talk to someone about it. I was sinking fast.  I picked up the phone to text an  SOS to a friend (I know...texting and driving a no no but....) As I grabbed the phone, it rang.  I almost dropped the thing when it vibrated. 

 

It was a friend and client of 20 years.  He is a devout Christian and just a wonderful guy.  He said God had placed me on his heart that morning and he was calling to check on me.  We talked as I drove for almost an hour.  By the end of our talking I found I was breathing again.  God had, through Glenn, given me a calm that allowed me to function. 

 

If Glenn had hesitated, I truly don't know what I would have done.  Satan lost that round because Glenn didn't hesitate.  He acted.  I will be forever grateful for his doing so.

 

I am breathing again and was able to take a few steps yesterday afternoon.  I did some painting that had been begging for a long time (I keep finding those things that I'd had to put off for so long) 

 

Today. and over the weekend, I'll help my sister and brother in law move back to Hernando from Pickwick.  I hate to see them leaving this area but the work will keep me busy.

 

My prayer is that God will continue to carry me along until I can walk again on my own.  Like the poem "Footprints In The Sand",  I look forward to seeing two sets of footprints again and not having to rely on God to carry me. 

 

Perhaps, however, that is His goal....to make me depend completely on Him and not require two sets of footprints.  Maybe my prayer should be for me to learn how to do THAT! 

 

Maybe, when I feel those times of depression coming on,  I should just stop what I'm doing, hit my knees and pray.  I'd been praying so very hard on the road yesterday for Him to intervene....and the phone rang from someone I hadn't talked to since before Bonnie died.  I'd emptied my heart to God and He answered me with a phone call..... 

 

 

Today, as I was writing this entry, Glenn sent me an e-mail.  In it was..

Psalm 18:2  "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God 
is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my 
salvation, my stronghold."

 

 

I Will Try

This is not a post that I planned to write.  In fact, my finger is poised above the delete button now.  This post is written not for sympathy.  I am writing this because I think others who may face a loss such as mine should be made aware of what to expect.  I am also writing it so that someone may become aware of what another is experiencing and be better able to assist them.

My good friend from high school called me yesterday morning and we talked for a long time.  During that conversation she shared with me some of her journey through the loss of her son and how it had affected her daughters as well.  One of the things that stuck with me was that she advised her daughters to not let the loss of their brother define them.  They would absolutely be different people because of their loss, but that the loss itself should not define who they would become.  What sage advice that was for them and for me. 

I will write more about that in a minute.  But now, I want to tell you about the rest of my day in hopes that if you ever face this time in your life, or if you know someone who does, it might help you to understand your situation or theirs.

Yesterday morning was full of contact with others.  Most of my days are not since I live on the edge of the lake in the middle of nowhere.  My friend called.  A neighbor stopped by.  Shelley checked in. 

Hobo and I took a long walk up the lane and down the beach.  It was breathtakingly beautiful.  The fog had lifted and the day was crystal clear.  The fog had frozen on the tree tops and they glistened like diamonds.  The crystals were being blown out of the trees and landed on my face much as falling snow does when you look up at it.  It was beautiful and I imagined Bonnie smiling down and then realized what she saw was even more breathtaking than this.  It made me smile.

The afternoon wore on however.  I was working around the house as I usually do.  It was as if the fog of the morning had crept into my heart. The longer the afternoon went on, the darker, the thicker, the more ominous the fog became.  It became the worst afternoon, evening and night since losing Bonnie. 

I lay on the floor for over an hour just holding onto Hobo.  He does not like to be restrained, but last night he was content.  He senses my pain and allowes for it.  Finally, I went to bed early, thinking I could sleep this off.  As I lay there looking out at what had always been the soothing beauty of the black water and the lights reflecting off of it, my depression continued to deepen.  My heart literally hurt.  Not figuratively...this was a physical ache and it was not a 'heart attack'.  It was an attack of the heart.

This was a loneliness that I cannot describe.  Something tangible and frightening, quite honestly.  I wondered how a heart can continue to beat steadily when it is in so much pain. 

The part that I've not previously shared in my writing, but that others who are in this club understand and have shared with me, is that we do not care if our hearts stop beating.  There is no longer a fear of death, but rather a longing for it.  We do not see ourselves being able to endure this existence for long and we do not want to.

I tell you this for several reasons, but not for sympathy.  Truly, not for sympathy.  What I pray will happen by my doing so is understanding. 

Prior to October 30, 2010, when others have experienced losses such as mine, I had absolutely no idea what they were going through.  I'm not sure many of us can imagine.  I know that my friends who are in this club do not speak of it outside of the club.  I'm beginning to understand that this is wrong.  Others need to know what to expect and what others are going through.

I've not understood.  I've assumed incorrectly.  I've said the wrong things.  I've probably done more harm than good when others are in such pain.  Not because I intended to, but out of ignorance.

I've heard grief called a "process" as if it had been designed in a shop or office.  I've heard people say we "get over it" with time as if it were a cold or flu.  Those are incorrect, shallow comments made by those who do not fully comprehend.  There are terribly difficult times associated with some levels of grief.  People need to understand that these difficulties are 'normal' as well.  But to call them a process for someone in the middle of grief does not help them.  In addition, my fellow club members tell me we do not 'get over it' with time.  We adapt.  We change.  We continue to breathe.  But we don't 'get over it' and return to our lives as we were.  We will never, ever be the same.  We need to understand that so that we are not disappointed, disillusioned, destroyed when we don't 'return to normal'.  What was normal for us is no longer.

My friend's advice to her daughters is absolutely right on.  She told them to not let this loss define them.  I thought about that last night as I tried to go to sleep.  What should define my future if not the loss of the one I love so profoundly? 

I think Shelley explained it best one day over Christmas.  In her wisdom that is far beyond her years and through tears brought by her pain,  she said that we should strive to be who her Mom wanted us to be.  She told me in effect to be defined by my life with Bonnie and by who she wanted me to be....not by her death. 

That will be my goal.  I will try.

I pray that this entry will bring some understanding to others.   I pray that the understanding will be helpful, not hurtful.  I pray that this entry along with all the others will somehow, someway bring glory to God.  That was Bonnie's goal...bringing Him glory.  That was what she wanted for me as well.  For that I will try.

Perhaps that trying and that understanding are other "treasures of darkness" Isaiah 45:3.









 

The Gift

I've attempted to write several times since my last entry.  Those attempts ended with the delete button.  It is not that I do not have anything I want to say.  It is that the "holiday season" has made it impossible for me to find something in my heart to say that is appropriate for this space.

"Grief professionals" warn us that this time of year is difficult for those of us in this club.  The friends I've talked with in the club told me to be prepared for a tough time, to have a plan, to brace myself.  These warnings, while accurate in their aim, were like shooting a bb gun when a howitzer was needed. 

I am, quite honestly, still struggling to recover some sense of stability, direction and strength.  My intention is not to describe the depth nor the intensity to which the holidays drove my grief.  I have no description that would make sense to anyone other than those in this club.  You would just worry that I've lost my mind...and perhaps I have...but more accurately, I've lost a piece of my heart....the part of it that was filled with Bonnie.

Do you remember my mentioning Bonnie's Christmas present to me from last year?  The one that had been sitting unread on my desk for a year?  The daily devotional that appeared to fit my hands and my heart?  I was so disoriented on January 1 that I forgot to read it.  Then, today I determined that I should begin.  I am so very glad I did.

I NEED to get back into the Word.  This little book...Bonnie's Christmas present to me...is helping me to realize a tiny sense of stability.  Perhaps, "The Word" is how this ship of mine can be righted.  Bonnie is still at work in my life, isn't she?  Her work continues.  His work continues through her.

As I read January 1 and then January 2 just to catch up, I couldn't stop.  I read January 3 and 4.  I needed each message and I can't help but wonder if that will continue throughout the year.

As my grief continues; as my pain lives on; as my loneliness even increases and the hole in my heart does not heal, I find myself asking God for more proof.  Proof not that He exists, for He has proven that to me.  But proof that Bonnie is there with Him; that the smile she gave me when she left was an assurance that she was going where she had worked  all of her life to go; for proof that I will also be there with her someday. 

I guess I'm just someone who finds belief difficult without proof.  The world has a way of doing that to us, doesn't it?  The trust of a child gets beaten away.  But yet, we are called to trust as a child...completely and unconditionally. 

I am wrong to ask for more proof.  I know that in my brain.  It is my heart that is so wounded. 

I am thinking on that smile Bonnie gave me as she left me.  Why 'on earth' would she have done so?  Why, other than as an assurance of what she saw and where she was going, would she have done so?  Why is that not enough proof for me? 

I'm thinking on that this morning.  I am praying for my heart to accept that gift from her, from Him, as all the proof necessary to know she is well and that I am going to be with her also....and so are you....if we believe and follow Him.  What a gift.

The Real Christmas Story

I had not planned to write an entry today.  I was busy staying busy as I try to be to keep from thinking too much about the upcoming holiday.  The Christmas that the world has created puts so much pressure on us to be "Merry" (in its definition) that we can lose the joy of the Real Christmas Story.  When we focus on the presents, the football games, the trees, the parties and even the birth of Jesus, we can miss the real Christmas story...the story that should put joy into Christmas for anyone.

Because of the Real Christmas Story I can have joy this Christmas.  I may not be "Merry", but I can still be joyful over what this time of year really means.  You see, because of "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say, I am assured of someday being reunited with Bonnie and all believers.

Would you please take just four minutes to view the attached video?  I received it on Facebook from my friend Jamie Statema of "GO FISH".  Thank you Jamie for sharing it with me. 

Before you open your presents, before you even go to the candle light service at your church, please watch this video.  (Just click on the link below.  It should redirect you to the video.)  I believe it will help you to understand and capture the true joy that Christmas should bring.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVsTCxUlZLU&feature=player_embedded

At His Feet

I am embarrassed to say that, this morning, I opened a book that has been sitting unopened on my desk for almost exactly a year.  It is a beautiful leather-bound book.  Bonnie gave it to me last Christmas.  It is called "At His Feet".  It is a daily devotional.  I was captivated by it from the moment I picked it off the shelf.

The binding just felt right.  Like an old pair of shoes....it just fit my hands.  From working around this cabin, my hands are much rougher than this binding.  It is smooth and soft.  It just feels...well, "right". 

As I opened the little book, I wasn't sure at all what to expect from it.   I've been disappointed in daily devotionals from time to time, but I should have  known this one would be special.  Think about who gave it to me and when.  Her last Christmas on earth and this was one of her last Christmas presents to me.  I should have known.

I am one of those people who will read the first page of a book and then sometimes turn to the last page and read it.  I remember the first time I determined to read the bible from cover to cover.  I read Revelation first.  I was glad I did. 

This morning, I opened the little book to January 1.  How do you suppose this little devotional is going to start my year in 2011?  The title of the entry is "Ultimate Authority" and the scripture is REVELATION 22:13  "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End".

Well then.  We might as well get that straight on the front end.  If you are going to commit to follow someone or something for an entire year, that someone or something should be pretty special.  HE IS.  I was captivated. 

I naturally turned to the last entry to see how it would end the year.  The title is "Final Product" and the scripture is Luke 6:40 "Everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher."  While I cannot expect to be fully trained in one year, I can pray that I will be more like my teacher.  This little book may be one way in which HE is planning to teach me?

Now I was really interested in this book.  As a natural way, at least to me, to test this book, I turned to today's entry.  December 21.  What would the title be?  What would it have to say?  What do you suppose?

"FIRST LOVE"  and the scripture is Revelation 2:4.  "You have forsaken your first love".  When I read the title, I gasped.  Then when I read the scripture and the page below it, I realized God had put this book on that shelf, through Bonnie, for today; as a way for me to begin planning my next year; as a way to "remember Bonnie and honor Him".

When I read the title, I naturally thought of Bonnie.  As I read the scripture I thought of Him.  As I continued to read the words on today's entry, I thought of both of them together.  Can you imagine Bonnie with her first true love?  (I was her second.  I knew that.  That was fine with me.)  She is singing His praises and He is smiling over it.  What a wonderful thing to imagine. 

I don't think Bonnie let her first love grow stale, do you?  It grew deeper and more resolute.  It grew stronger and even more supple.  The roots of her love for her Lord continued to grow deep into the soil of the scripture and her branches grew toward the heavens in a way that never broke.  She stayed the course and reached her goal.  She has given me a goal of my own.  She passed that goal on to others as well.  She became more like her teacher.

Last evening as I returned to this cabin from a visit to Shelley, Ben and Lexi I knew I wanted to write an entry here.  I opened this site last night but the words did not come.  I took Hobo out for his last walk of the evening and looked up into the sky.  It was a full moon and I needed no flashlight.  I knew this was going to be a special dawn. 

About 5:30 I awoke to something that Bonnie and I love about this cabin.  We face West and look out over six miles of open water.  The moon was setting!  It was huge.  The light from it shone across the lake and the reflection of it on the calm water came directly at me.  I immediately thought of her.  I then thought of the one who set that moon in place and told the waters "you will go this far and no farther".

Later this morning I opened that little book on my desk and read:  "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End". 

On this journey I am beginning to understand that things do not just happen.  Unlikely men don't just happen to show up in a park.  A young nurse doesn't just happen to tell me to give myself a break and go for a walk.  Wives don't just happen to give their husbands a little leather-bound book that sits on a shelf for a year before being opened at the precise time it is needed.  I could go on and on with these "don't just happens", but as these entries continue, I pray we will all understand better and become more like the teacher.  Let's pray that for each other during 2011 and as we continue this journey....together.

1 Peter 5:10

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. "

As she closed a heartfelt and oh so helpful e-mail a friend from my past, who has suffered a terrible loss in her own life wrote:  "So,  keep putting one foot in front of the other for a little while longer"  and then, she quoted the scripture above.

After reading that e-mail the morning slipped by.  I've kept busy doing the things I felt like doing.  Hobo and I have walked up to the cemetery and I've measured the water depth by the dock.  I've even begun to sand sheet rock seams that have gone untended for many months as we fought Bonnie's illness and I attempt to put one foot in front of the other now.

The thinking about the e-mail and the scripture has gone on however. 

The subject that began our 'discussion' was what I described to her as "hitting a wall" over the weekend.  Having been a long distance runner many years ago, I knew what becoming tired was like during runs.  I could, as most runners do, run through the majority of those episodes.  Occasionally, however, even experienced runners will experience what we call "hitting a wall".  You may have run through several, normal episodes of tiredness on a particularly long run, but then, your body just refuses to cooperate.  You mind cannot make your body go on.  You just can't put one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, it will force you to the curb and you are finished for the day.  You are exhausted.  You've reached an altogether different level of tired.

That was what happened to me over the weekend....in an emotional, mental way.  I hit a wall.

It had been six weeks since Bonnie's funeral.  I've written a partial, surface description of the depth of my grief, and yet, it was seeming to get better.  The losses of breath were occurring less often.  The tears were not as plentiful as they had been.  I was still missing Bonnie terribly, but I was getting better.

Then the wall.  As my friend, Judy, and I corresponded about this I found she understood.  She expected this to happen.  She also regretted not warning me.  She described it perfectly as moving from grief to longing.  She described it as being like the difference between poverty and abject poverty.    She said "there is 'missing someone' and there is 'yearning and longing' for them.  Yearning and Longing is the superlative of missing someone".  I call it a different, deeper and quite honestly, scarier level of missing someone.

It reminded me that this is not a short term prospect.  This is not something that someone 'gets over' quickly...or ever.  Those of us who have experienced a loss such as this want to be whole again.  We want to be who we were again.  We want what will never be.  We will not be who we were before. 

I've described it this way:  Up until October 30th I had always been "US".  Now I am "ME".  I do not have a definition of who "ME" is.  I'm not even sure if I like "ME".  I will never be "US" again.  

As I realized that over the weekend, I think that was what made me hit that wall.  This was an entirely different prospect.  It moved "missing" to a whole new level.  It moved it to an understanding that I am never to be "US" again.

Then came Judy's e-mail and the equivalent of "a little yellow piece of paper".  There was a scripture.  There was a promise....."After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. "

This promise told me that no, I won't ever be "US" again on this earth, but, Christ is not finished with me yet.  He has not abandoned me just because I feel a yearning or longing.  He won't throw me away.  This period of time to me is long, but compared to eternity it is but "a little while". 

For now, I'll just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.  And, after "a little while"....

Memories

I was looking through the files on my camera for something else entirely when I happened upon this picture.  My heart stopped, along with my breathing, when I saw it.  Let me explain why:

This picture was taken last winter, about six months after Bonnie's last chemo session.  She was recovering and felt great last winter.  We were so happy and enjoying life again.

This particular day was the first time in 15 years of owning our cabin that we'd been here when it snowed.  It doesn't do that much in Alabama.  We were out walking with Hobo and I stopped to take a couple of pictures.  The lake is to my back and, ironically, the cemetery where Bonnie is buried is behind her.  Even more ironic is that her grave is just behind that large oak tree over her right shoulder!  I chose that very spot for her because of that tree and the view of the lake from there. 

This was a very happy day.  It brings back wonderful memories of Bonnie walking with Hobo in the snow.  She loved to do that in the field up the hill, wearing my huge black jacket that made her look like a little girl wearing her Dad's coat.  She was a tiny woman and that jacket just overwhelmed her, but it is very warm and she loved it.  I'd be working on the kitchen renovation and suddenly realize my helper was no longer helping....she would be out with Hobo walking in the field.

I am so very thankful this morning for having found that picture.  It is helping to bring back some of those many, many wonderful memories.  Our good friend Larry was the first one I ever heard say that "we were making memories" as we had fun together.  We made a lot of memories, Bonnie and I.

On a recent road trip, my next door neighbor, was asking me about my need to be close to home.  As I tried to explain why it was so difficult to be away, this was what finally emerged:

When I am in this cabin, Bonnie is everywhere.  She has literally touched everything in it.  She has helped me chainsaw every wall, window and door opening.  She has purchased and helped me place every piece of furniture.  She has dusted every nook and cranny.  We laughed in every room.

There are so many good, wonderful, tender, loving memories here that they dilute the painful memories of the last six months.  As that happens, I feel better.

When I am away, there are not so many good memories staring me in the face and the intensity of the recent past can overwhelm them.  When that happens, I have to get back here so that the good memories can once again 'win'.

I am prayerful that the recent, painful memories will, with time, begin to fade as the older, wonderful memories have.  The equaling-out of the intensity of the memories may allow the good ones to 'win' regardless of where I am. There are, after all, over 40 years of wonderful memories. 

I am more confident this morning, after finding this picture and remembering last winter, that with time the good memories will win out.

Exodus 4:14

".....He is already on his way to meet you....".

God anticipated that Moses would need Aaron.  He had started Moses' brother on his way to meet Moses before Moses even knew he would need Aaron.  I believe He anticipated and prepared for what I would be facing.  I believe He will anticipate your needs and prepare for you as well....if you accept Him.

When Bonnie became so extremely ill, was admitted to ICU, and appeared unlikely to live, I called Bonnie's good friend Virginia, who lives about 3 hours away from Nashville.  She was Bonnie's 'test pilot' in the fight with cancer.  She needed to know.  I also needed to tell Bonnie's good friends Tiletta and Darrell.  They live in South Dakota.  They needed to know as well.  My sister Brenda and Bonnie were best friends.  Brenda needed to know too.

What I didn't know was that Virginia and Brenda were in the car together headed to Nashville when I called.  They didn't tell me they were coming because they were afraid I'd tell them not to come.  Tiletta and Darrell were in the airport boarding a plane to Nashville when I called them.

They were "already on the way".  God knew I'd need them.  I did.

When I was in Junior High school or maybe even grade school I met a girl named Judy who went to the same church as I did.  We were friends all through High School but have not seen one another more than a couple of times since then.

We connected through e-mail when Bonnie was diagnosed with cancer.  She had been through some devastating times also.  As we corresponded, she was able to understand my loss.  She is able to understand the things that I say or do that require so much explanation to someone who has not walked this walk.  Through her understanding has come a stability for me...a reassurance.  Did God know I would need her someday?  I think He did.  Why else would we have reconnected 40+ years out of high school at the exact time I needed her?

Here is one of the 'crazy' things that I wrote to her (I hope she doesn't mind my sharing it)....I think it goes along with this entry:

Hey Judy:

Do dogs know?  Do they understand?  I think maybe they do.  I also am beginning to think God not only puts people in our path whom we need, He puts Dogs there as well.  Crazy?  Maybe.

Here is the deal......

Hobo is a mixed Beagle.  We've had him around for about three years.  I first met him as he was running down the middle of the

Natchez Trace Parkway

one cold, wet winter day as Bonnie and I travelled it to the cabin from Nashville.

He was just a cold, wet, frightened puppy.  I had to stop.  I called for him to come to me.  He was to afraid to come at first.  Then, slowly he changed his mind and came to my feet.  He laid down on his side, then his back and looked up at me.  I said (I'll never forget it) "What? Are you some kind of Hobo or something?"

Bonnie cried out from inside the car..."Oh no, you've named him!"  She knew from that instant HOBO was his name and I belonged to him.  

He has been by my side ever since.  Fishing. Travelling.  Building 2000 sq ft of deck.

Painting the dock.  Building the garage and guest quarters.  Grieving.  He has been here.

He was there for Bonnie too.  She didn't want him, but she loved him. 

He would sit on the couch after her chemo sessions.  She would rub his long, satin-soft ears and receive comfort from that.  In the end, he was her buddy too. She loved him and he loved her.

How do you comfort a grieving dog?  I have no idea.  I know he is grieving.  He is not quite the same, just as I am not.  He is a bit off kilter. just as I am.  He misses Bonnie just as I do.

When we walk in the mornings, through the fields and around the lane, we end up at Bonnie's gravesite.  He invariably is pulling, tugging, smelling every blade of grass....until we get to Bonnie.  Then, quite amazingly, he sits quietly and waits.  On me.  On her.  I think he grieves too.  He will wait quietly until I am ready to go.  Only then will he leave.

I cannot say that I know, or can even imagine, why Bonnie had to leave for heaven.  I can only say that I am beginning to realize God was, in some way, preparing me for that to happen.   There are still times when I do not think I can take another step.  There are still times when I have trouble even breathing.  But, then, I am able to take that step and that next breath (sometimes it is a gasp).  And, then there will be something that gets me through to the next one.

There are five names, actually six including Hobo's, written in the margin of my bible next to Exodus 4:14.  They are there to remind me that God anticipated my need and sent them to me...I believe He will anticipate your needs as well.....if you accept His Son!!!

Blessings

A few days ago I found, through Face Book, a long-time and long-lost friend.  Bill was the guy who, for some reason, just had to introduce me to a girl he went to high school with.  We were Freshmen in college at the time and he insisted we hitch-hike to his home town to meet a girl named Bonnie.  

She was a Sophomore in high school and her parents would not let her go on a 'blind date' with me.  So, we just met and decided the following week it would not a "blind" date.  Five days later found Bill and I hitch-hiking back to his home town so that we could double-date. 

You know the rest of that story. 

Except that isn't the rest of the story.  Bill told me that he had a serious heart condition that led to his being disabled.  In addition to that tragic situation, his wife had left him, being unable to deal with his disabilities.  A short time ago, another of Bonnie's friends told us how pleased she was that we'd stayed together during Bonnie's health challenges.  She said that many marriages end due to one side or the other being unable to 'cope' with situations such as these.

For Bonnie and me this was never an issue.  It was never a question.  The challenges that Bonnie faced, we faced together.  Those challenges brought us closer together.  They brought us closer to God. 

We were, in fact, closer in our last couple of weeks than we'd ever been before.  They were horribly difficult times.  But, I remember us commenting that we'd told each other "I love you" more times than at any time previously.  God put HIS arms around us those couple of weeks and kept us so close that even the doctors and nurses had trouble getting to us individually.  We had been a team, we were a team, we are a team and we will be a team...eternally.

Can you imagine what a blessing it is to have a marriage founded on faith in Jesus?  I know that there are many, many happy marriages out there.  There are people who have been married for more than 42 years who do not know Jesus or who have not accepted him as their Lord and Savior. 

I also know that because of our faith, our love for each other and for Christ hasn't ended.  Bonnie is happy.  She is victorious.  She has thrown off the body that gave her so much pain.  She is praising Jesus face to face.  Someday, I will be doing that too.  That is the difference.  That is the blessing. 

I am broken hearted that Bonnie is not sitting here beside me helping me to write this.  But, she sat beside me for all those years and is the reason I am able to write that I have claimed my spot in Heaven...right beside her.

Did Bonnie make a difference with her time on earth?  I know she did for me.  I also know that she continues to do so. 

Her funeral is a good example of that.  Bonnie and I had talked about it.  She wanted a funeral that would remember her, but more importantly offer an opportunity for someone to come to know Jesus and accept Him.  Was that possible at a funeral?

Last evening my nephew Mark stopped by.  He has a lake house just down the lane and was here for the day raking leaves.  As he was leaving, he tearfully told me about a couple of men in our neighborhood:  One who'd been to the funeral;  one who'd been reading these entries.  Neither knew Bonnie well but both are being affected by who Bonnie was and by her faith.  Because of the funeral, one is asking questions of Mark about his faith, about Bonnie's faith and has started his "walk".  Another, having read about her and her life, is feeling the need to see what this 'faith thing' is all about.

How wonderful is that?  How precious that is to Bonnie!!  These two men have a chance to be eternally grateful for HIS grace because one person lived her life as she did.

There are probably other stories out there as well....stories of how this incredible woman changed lives and how she will continue to do so because of the legacy she leaves us.  She would be the first to inject here that it is not because of her that these changes will be made, but because of the one who saved her...Jesus!

My prayer this morning is that these two men will continue to question, to learn, to find out what this "Jesus thing", this "faith thing", this "eternity thing" is all about.  My prayer is also that someone else, somewhere will hear about this and "knock" on the door to salvation.  That will make Bonnie so very pleased.

One Month

I can tell that 'firsts' are not the only thing that will be difficult in the future.  Anniversaries are going to be a challenge as well.  Today marks one month since my beloved Bonnie stepped victoriously into heaven.  I awoke with that thought on my mind and it won't go away. 

It is rainy, windy and cold here today.  I sat on the couch as the dark of night gave way to the gray of day and decided to try to read.  I'm not yet up to reading a large book. That still requires too much concentration.  I decided to try to get through a 5 page pamphlet and an 84 page booklet that Alive Hospice sent me as a part of their services to families who have lost a loved one.

The pamphlet is titled "Losing Your Wife".  It was written by someone who had survived losing his wife to breast cancer and was written in the form of a letter to another friend who had just lost his wife.  Reading it was like reading a description of where I've been and where I expect to be going.  He spoke of emotional roller coasters, feeling the loss on many levels, expecting major identity changes, trying to work with memories and reaching out - and up - for help.  Just to read of his journey helped to continue mine.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  Keep on walking. 

Reminds me of a sermon that Mike Glenn at Brentwood Baptist preached a year or so ago....that our goal is to just keep on walking....trusting that God has the destination already figured out.  My prayer, my consolation, my trust, my knowledge is that my ultimate destination will reunite Bonnie and me. 

The booklet, titled "What to do when you don't know what to do", was of less specific help, but did begin with a statement I found meaningful: "One of the most difficult and yet most powerful lessons we can learn in our life pilgrimage is that God will make a way for us through our pain and trials if we call on Him for help."   It later quoted from Don Moen's song that expresses this truth beautifully:

God will make a way

When there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to his side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way.

He has made a way for me to somehow get through this first month.  He will make a way for me to get through the next one as well.

Jesus is the way...   

Thanksgiving II

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Giving thanks has not.

My time with Ken, Cheryl, Shelley, Ben and of course, Lexi over Thanksgiving was, as you can imagine bittersweet.  Ken and Cheryl (Ben's parents) were very kind and attentive and I appreciate their hospitality.  Ben and Shelley and Lexi always brighten any room for me. 

I found, however, that being away from this little cabin by the lake was very difficult.  There is something about being 'away' for extended periods of time that is disconcerting.  I need to be 'near' home.  Perhaps more accurately, I need to feel close to Bonnie.  When I am away from this place, I feel more disconnected from her and that is just too painful right now.   Another challenge I suppose.

This morning, as I anticipated going to our little church down the lane, I was sitting on the couch where Bonnie most often sat when she read her bible.  I find myself sitting there almost exclusively now.  I was also reading her bible, not mine.  I do that now too.  There is something about touching those pages that she so lovingly turned that puts me in contact with her like nothing else I do.

One prayer that I say almost every time I visit her grave is that she speak to me.  Perhaps, through her bible, she is. 

This morning, when I checked onto my computer there was a note from a long time friend who had lost her husband about a year and a half ago.  Danny and Phyllis, like Bonnie and me, were best friends.  They also shared a love for God and a strong faith that made them special to us.  Phyllis's note to me this morning was gentle, kind, reassuring and beautiful.  She understands the pain and yet she is strengthened by her faith and her knowledge that Bonnie and Danny are doing what they lived to do.   They've reached their goal.  They are victorious.

Her words reassured me that I can get through this time.  She quoted Phillipians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  When I read that, it seemed as if Bonnie had written to me on one of her "little yellow pieces of paper".  Again, maybe Bonnie is speaking to me...through a friend.

I am very thankful for friends who share their faith with me.  I am thankful for friends who reassure me through that faith.  I am thankful for His words, shared with me through others.  Thanksgiving may have come and gone, but giving thanks has not.

Thanksgiving

As another "first" stares me in the face, I was driving from Pickwick Lake to Tellico Lake today.  Shelley, Ben and Lexi will join me at Ben's parents house tomorrow.  The windshield time was a good time to think and "thank". 

At this terribly low and dark time in my life I was, quite honestly, not thinking much about giving thanks.  And yet, as the miles went by, I happened to glance above the windshield of the car I was driving....it was Bonnie's little Jeep Patriot....and I noticed the cds that were held in place by one of those black elastic holders.  They reminded me of the  lyrics to a beautiful song.   "Give Thanks",  You probably remember how it goes.....

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

As I recited those words over and over and over I began to think about other things for which to be thankful. 

While my missing her did not ease, I did begin to give thanks for having known Bonnie.  I gave thanks for loving her.  I gave thanks for her loving me.  This extraordinary woman actually loved me.  How amazing!  How wonderful!  How thankful I am for her life and for the fact that she lived the majority of her time on earth with me.  How thankful I am that someday we will live eternally together with our Lord because God has given us Jesus Christ, His Son,.

So, tomorrow, as this 'first' Thanksgiving arrives I will be able to give thanks.  I will have a grateful heart.  I pray that each one who reads this post will give thanks as well....thanks because HE gave us Jesus Christ, His Son. 

Victory Celebration

Many of you could not attend Bonnie's funeral.  I thought it might be meaningful for you to read what one of Bonnie's dear friends had to say about her during the service.  Tiletta captured Bonnie in way I never could.  It was, quite honestly, perfect....

Bonnie’s Victory Celebration            Tuesday Nov.2,2010

I have thought a lot about what to share with you today.

I do not need to tell you what kind of a person Bonnie was – you already know that.

Since I do not know how long I will last up here, I want to tell you the most important thing first.

The absolute, never doubt it, where the rubber meets the road, take it to the bank truth, is that the secret to the life of Bonnie Bard is JESUS.  She was who she was because HE is who HE is.

I met Bonnie at a women’s Bible study where we had both agreed to lead a small group. It was our first day of training to learn how to appropriately lead the group and since we were both new, we sat together. After introductions were made, she asked me if I had ever done anything like this before. I told her yes, but it had been a very long time ago. I asked her the same question and she told me that, no she had never done it and that quite frankly, she was not sure that she should be doing it now either !

That conversation was the beginning of a life-changing friendship for both of us.

We talked about a lot of things over the next several years, but I do not recall any conversation with her that did not, at some point, zero in on the things of God.

We talked about our questions, shared what we were learning , read scripture and prayed and every conversation ended with, “I love you my friend – pray me through.”

We talked about husbands and kids – and then Lexi and my grandbabies came along and suddenly husbands and kids didn’t get much air time anymore !

It is a joy for me to meet many of you since Bonnie asked me often to pray with her for her friends.

The first time she asked, it had to do with you, Virginia !  She called and asked me to pray for you. I told her that of course I would do that and then there was silence on the other end of the line. Then I heard her say,“Well…………………  My very spiritual response was, “Well what ?”

And her response was, “WELL,PRAY!”  And so I learned early on that when Bonnie asked for prayer, she expected it to happen NOW !

It seemed that every time we went to lunch her cell phone would ring with a call from  Shelley and she would giggle and say, “ I’m sure she thinks that I do absolutely nothing except eat with you !”

One day over lunch, I noticed that Bonnie was wearing a beautiful blue aquamarine ring.  I comment on it and with a sparkle on her eye and a big grin on her face, she told me," Barry bought me this ring for my  birthday......................he just doesn't know it yet !

Then one day late in the afternoon, my phone rang and everything changed.

“Hey Tiletta – it’s Bonnie.

So, ok, I have cancer………………..now what?”

I answered,” I don’t know.”

She replied.” How do I do this? How am I supposed to feel? “

Again, I replied, “ I don’t know.”

And her response was “Well, what do you know ??”

And so we talked about what we did know. Since there were so many unknowns, we talked about the things that were still the same.

We talked about how God’s love and protection were the same on that day as they were on the days before the diagnosis.

We talked about the absolute truth of Gods Word and that all of HIS promises were and are still true.

We remembered past struggles and the way God had brought us through and we read Isaiah 41:10.

Our phone conversations were different after that.

As the disease took its toll on her, there were times when all she had the strength to say was ”Pray for me, just pray, I need to hear you pray for me.”  And we would pray .

As her eyesight became affected, she would call and say,”Read to me, just read to me.”

And we would read…….mostly Psalms……….and when the truth of Gods Word had calmed and comforted her, she would say “Thanks, dear friend……..I love you.”  And the call would end.

She became frustrated with her limited physical activity and would often ask,”How can God use me when I can’t do anything?  We would talk about the fact that during some seasons of life, God calls us to BE and not to DO. She would confess that she knew it was true but hated it anyway.

We read  Psalm 46:10  - Be still and know that I am God……………………and we agreed to try.

I have a bunch of grandbabies who are discovering the tactile part of life. They love to feel , and touch, and squeeze and grab onto everthing that they see.

One of them in particular, loves to sit on my lap and touch my face……….loves to watch my eyes blink……………loves to tug on my ears and touch my nose.

When that sweet child is done slobbering all over me, she will put her cheek next to mine and just be still for a few amazing moments.

My grandma’s heart – (if your’re not a grandma, just bear with me here ) is in an unbelievable place and I wish with all I have that we could stay in that place forever.

I believe that in the last season of Bonnie’s life, she was in that amazing place. She was on the lap of her Saviour…………touching HIS face, watching HIS eyes…………..seeing HIM as she had never seen HIM before…………something that is not possible from a distance.

And then last Saturday night, Bonnie placed her cheek on the cheek of Jesus and she heard HIM say,”Oh, Bonnie………this is all I have ever wanted from you.  Lets stay in this place………forever.

I imagine that HE smiled…………I KNOW that she did……………..and then she was HOME.

We are not here to honor Bonnie and remember God.

We are here to honor GOD and remember Bonnie.

 It’s what she would want.

Let me just end this rambling that same way that it started.

The secret to the life of Bonnie Bard was………….and still is, JESUS.

Amen Tiletta.  And, thank you.
Barry

"Firsts"

One of my friends, who lost her husband almost exactly a year ago reminded me about 'firsts'.  'Firsts' are times you took for granted...things you did with your loved one....things that will be experienced again, but without them.  The first time you do that without your loved one is a 'first'.  They are difficult, excruciating, and unfortunately necessary.

Today was a 'first' for me.  This was a Sunday morning.  On Sundays, Bonnie and I were privileged to go to church.  We enjoyed praising our Lord.  We loved giving Him glory.  Today, was my 'first' time in Sunday School and Church without Bonnie by my side. 

Bonnie loved to teach Sunday School.  She was in her element doing so.  She thought that teaching the bible was the very, very best thing.  This morning was the first time I'd been to Sunday School without her.  

When the teacher asked us to share things for which we were thankful, I did not answer her.  I wanted to so badly.  I wanted to scream things for which I am thankful, but I held back.  Why?  Because I could not speak without crying.  I knew that and I stayed silent. 

Then, at the end of the class Mary Jane asked me to close the class with a prayer.  Whew.  I began by telling her I would be glad to do so, but I didn't know if I could get through it.  With God's help, Bonnie's help and a very shaky, tearful voice I did get it done.  

Thankful....yes.  For the church, for 42 years with someone like Bonnie, for friends who loved her - and me - for a God who would give his Son to save someone like me.  Thankful....you bet.

Then, to Church.  I sat in the same row we always sat.  I sat in the same seat I always sat.  I found that I naturally put my left arm on the back of the seat where I always found myself cradling Bonnie during the service.  During the past two years, we invariably found ourselves sitting so close to one another that we really only needed one seat.  The only difference today was that Bonnie was no longer next to me. 

I know she was in Heaven.  I know she was praising God face-to-face and full-time.  But, I sure did miss her next to me.

'Firsts' are tough. 

This is the point in my writing where I really miss Bonnie's little yellow pieces of paper.  This is where, last year, I would have put one of the bible verses that were on Bonnie's heart. 

But tonight, I will share something with you that I have only told a few people.

Get out your bible and read the 23rd Psalm.  You will recognize it.  You can probably recite it.

In the Intensive Care Unit, a few days before Bonnie crossed into Heaven, her breathing was very labored.  She was in distress.   She could not make herself breathe properly.

We were fearful of sedating Bonnie at that point, because we were not sure we could bring her back if we did.  We did not have a diagnosis and we were holding out hope that there could be a solution. 

Bonnie's heart rate was above 90 and her breathing rate was above 40.  She was literally wearing herself out trying to breathe.  I sat on the bed beside her and took out her bible.  I opened it to the 23rd Psalm and began to read to her.  I read it over and over and over and over. 

I looked up at the monitors and the readings began to fall.  Hearing those familiar words soothed her as if she were being given a sedative.  Hearing those truths gave her the confidence to 'be still'.  She was hearing her God speak to her.  She knew those were His words.  She knew them 'by heart'. 

Her breathing slowed to 18 and her heart rate dropped to 60.  There was no medical reason for this.  There were no drugs involved.  This was His hand, and her heart at work.  He met her, and me, there in ICU and ministered to the woman I love.  He soothed Bonnie by His WORD!!!

This was one more way in which He answered my fervent prayer to KNOW that Jesus was there waiting on Bonnie.  Otherwise, how could I have let her go? 

Now, I KNOW Jesus is waiting on me too.....and Bonnie is there waiting as well.  That is one reunion worth 'getting back' for.

Changes....."getting back"

During the past several weeks, I've corresponded with a good friend from high school who lost her son.  Then, this week, I've started e-mailing another friend who lost his wife.  I found another good friend on FB who lost her husband.  He had been a friend of mine for almost 40 years. I hope to connect with her soon.  In addition, I am corresponding with another friend of over 30 years who lost her husband almost a year ago.  I hope to reconnect with another friend who lost his wife several years ago.

These people have gone through terrible grief and are still walking and talking.  There are times when I do not know if I can do that, so to talk to them is reassuring to me.

The friend who lost his wife described some things that made me think he had been in my head, the description of his grief is so similar.  One thing he told me was to "stay in the now".  That sounds like a strange thing if you have not been where we are walking. 

I've already described how to think or plan more than a day out is impossible for me.  Then, to think of the past won't work because I cannot get past the last six months of Bonnie's pain.  So, his advice, to 'stay in the now' makes perfect sense to me. 

I must learn to be content with the 'now'.  I can do that in most instances.  As long as I am busy, I can handle 'now'.  And, while it is a blessing to 'be still and know that He is God', it is almost more than I can do at any given time.  When I can, I do.  When I do, it is wonderful.

I never thought much about 'support groups' before.  I guess I've never needed one.  But, it is helping to contact folks who have walked this path before me....if for no other reason than to know I can continue to walk.....even when I really don't want to.

As this day proceeded, I kept busy.  Extremely busy.  Those who know me are saying "So what's new, different or a change in that?"  Not much actually.  I've always been that way. 

Today began with the installation of the new washing machine.  I've never been 'happy' to have a new one.  Today I was.  It has not stopped since about 10 this morning.  Following that minor victory, I went to the cemetery with Hobo.  I drove Bonnie's Rhino and took Hobo with me. 

As I went cross-country to the cemetery and drove up to Bonnie's grave, I imagined her smiling down.  She loved that Rhino and she always laughed at Hobo leaning through the seats, squinting in the wind as it blew his long ears back on his head. 

When we returned to the cabin I took Hobo to the dock with me.  I'm discovering how much preventive maintenance was ignored or overlooked these past six months.  I spent a couple of hours greasing boat lift pulleys, installing ties on the slip bumpers and draining the SeaRay's bilge.  At last the list was complete and, with the temps in the 70's and a light wind, I decided to take Hobo fishing. 

Again, you are asking, "What is different?" 

As I was running the bass boat across the lake to my favorite fishing hole I realized I did not need to worry about 'getting back' at any particular time.  For the past 42 years , when I went out, I was always expected back.  Or, most usually, I wanted to get back to tell Bonnie what I'd been up to or find out what she'd been doing.  Somehow, the 'getting back' was more important and exciting than what I was doing.  The 'getting back' was, after all was said and done, the goal.  It didn't matter whether the task was fishing, working, playing.  The "getting back" was what was most important to me.  Today, the 'getting back' was not important at all.

Duties

There are some things which must be done when someone you love makes their entrance into heaven.  These duties most likely befall the ones who love that person most.  I am working through those duties now.  The first flurry of those duties hit immediately after Bonnie's death.  Yesterday was, and today will be, filled with them. 

Yesterday Shelley, Lexi and I went to the funeral home to decide on a headstone.  Today Shelley and my sister Brenda will help me begin making our lake house into a home just for me.  (I'm not sure how long I sat here trying to decide what to type next.  Just thinking about what we will do today paralyzes me.) 

This morning I awoke before 5:00 AM and immediately began to think about the future.  That is not a good thing for me to do.  I've always been forward-focused.  Bonnie and I always had plans.  Now, to think past the next few minutes is overwhelming.  It is so because I cannot imagine 20 or more years without Bonnie beside me.  All of my plans have included her.  Every one.  How does one suddenly change that? 

Sometime along the way I began to bring my "plans" into a closer focus, thinking instead just about today and the duties it holds.  Can I do this?  Can I get through it?  Without Shelley and Brenda I know I could not.  Not now.  Perhaps not ever.

A few times in the last three weeks I've gone into our bedroom and just looked around.  Bonnie is, of course everywhere, as she is throughout this small cabin we were beginning to call home.  Her clothes are jammed into her closet and in her dresser.  They spill over to another dresser in a guest bedroom and are even in garbage bags stored in our guest house. 

We were, you see, in the process of moving from the "city house" when Bonnie's illness accelerated and we had not yet gotten our winter clothes put away and our summer clothes transitioned to storage.  Just looking at Bonnie's clothes destroyed the facade of bravery and control I try so hard to display.  Will I be able to put her possessions into boxes or give them away?  Even with my daughter and my sister here I'm not sure. 

I will try to not think about it and just go through the motions.  That is what has to be done.  That is what I did yesterday and what I did to plan her funeral. 

I also KNOW that Bonnie does not need these things any longer.  She is happy now, doing what she longed to do all of her life on this earth.  Her soul has thrown off the body that constrained it.  She is now free to praise God full time with no limits.  She is, I know, in the front row (if they have rows in Heaven) singing and praising Him.  She can now see Him clearly.  What joy that brings her, I KNOW.

The knowledge that Bonnie has made that transition to eternity with our God fills me with gladness.  It is her absence from my side that breaks my heart.  It is not for her that I mourn.  I rejoice for her, I just miss her presence here. 

In all that I do, I should aim for Heaven...that was what I wrote yesterday.  Can I do that today?  As the sun tries to break through the clouds this morning and the lake outside becomes a brighter shade of gray I think that perhaps I can get through this day.  Not because I am strong...far from it.  But, because God put four wonderful women in my life to help me. 

Bonnie:  Because of the way she lived her life and the example she set for me. 
Shelley:  Because she is her mother's daughter and is strong enough to lift me. 
Brenda:  Because she won't leave her 'little brother' to get through this alone. 
Lexi:  Because how can you be sad with the happiest baby I've ever seen in the room?

Bonnie aimed at Heaven.  She hit her mark.  The legacy she leaves includes the ability to help those she left behind for awhile.  What a wonderful gift she gave us.  Knowing that she is doing what she worked all of her life to do clears away the pain from my heart for today. 

If we have people we love, perhaps we should aim for heaven too?!  If not for ourselves, then for them.  When we know Jesus, it changes things.  Today will be different than it could have been because Bonnie knows Jesus, and because of her, so do I.